Family Visits: Ten Self-Care Tips

@Kathy Heintzman posted:

Anna, thank you for responding so thoughtfully.  I come to this from a deeply personal experience as well.  Each family creates its own universe, and I wanted to make sure that the ACEs community keeps in mind that the damage in a family can be extremely covert, especially to the children victimized.  There are forms of manipulation and emotional abuse that are difficult to recognize, until one day something happens to force awareness.  Sometimes, the only thing we've got to guide us are instincts that something is wrong.  If you have a large extended family where some are willing to be honest and real, you're very fortunate.  Meanwhile, a rich and meaningful therapeutic relationship can mean all the difference.  I know it has for me.  I'm grateful for your expanded clarification of your original post.  

@Anna Runkle posted:

Hi Kathy, please accept my apologies for seeming to dismiss the seriousness and danger involved for those who are wisely protecting themselves from contact with abusers. I came off as harsh there, and that undermines the very thing I wanted to say.

I come from a family full of hard-core alcoholism/addiction, and the violence, extreme neglect, poverty and chaos that goes with that; I do understand viscerally the need to break away and be safe, and have done it for periods of time, and failed to do it too, with terrible consequences.

So I want to both validate your concern, and ask if you'll hear me again, with the message I mean to share, because I suspect we really are unified here. My message in this post, and in all my work and life experience, is that with healing and some Jedi-level boundaries, life can be more expansive and wonderful than we had once believed. If a trauma survivor would like to be involved with their family, there may be new ways to do this successfully. This is what Al-Anon is all about for example; it's been a source of survival and wisdom for me for decades, at a time when literally no one understood ACEs or dysregulation or CPTSD.

I believe and understand that contact/no-contact is a vital personal decision. So much depends on the nature of the original abuse, and where things stand within and between the persons involved. Based on the many notes I get each day, a HUGE number of survivors struggle to handle the relationships they have, especially with family. A few take the bold step of cutting off contact with family. About the same number of people who reach out to me are hurting because they're the one who's been cut. This too is traumatic, and from what I can tell, not always fair. People are complicated. Things are not black and white.

I still have relatives I will not allow in my life. I have others who will not allow ME in their lives. With most relatives it's a mix of caution and goodwill, courtesy and distance, and occasionally spectacular outpourings of love and mutual support. I wish there were more of that. I've generally been more on the side of outreach, and even when it's failed, I've ended up with some strengths that have helped me to be resilient.

There's no cookie cutter answer here. But as with most of my articles and videos, I'm teaching people the practical steps I learned to save my own life. I try to communicate hope and encouragement, while respecting each person's unique approach.

Again, apologies for the words and tone that offended.

With respect,

Anna

@Charley Stern posted:

Anna,  excellent post.   You are spot on as usual.

Thank you Charley!

@Mechelle Wingle posted:

I can hear the hurt in some of the comments. I hope those that felt pain get the healing they need. Anna, I think you made good sense. No contact should be a last resort and if that applies to anyone then our hearts go out to you.
This article was important for me to hear so I thank you for sharing it. Thank you, Anna.

Thank you Mechelle!

I can hear the hurt in some of the comments. I hope those that felt pain get the healing they need. Anna, I think you made good sense. No contact should be a last resort and if that applies to anyone then our hearts go out to you.
This article was important for me to hear so I thank you for sharing it. Thank you, Anna.

Anna,  excellent post.   You are spot on as usual.

@Teri Wellbrock posted:

Anna, thank you for YOUR courage in posting this piece on a topic that is, many times, a taboo hot-topic. Speaking only from my own personal experience, I am witnessing my own soon-to-be eighty-five year old mother's heart breaking because a sibling went no contact with her. My mom was/is an alcoholic for my entire life. And it made for a horrific childhood, for more reasons than one. In July 2019, both me and my sibling walked out of her life. We had threatened before, but always came back around. This time was different. I stayed away for 3 months. And during those 3 months my mom accomplished that which I truly doubted she could. She gave up vodka. And all other alcohol. But, vodka was the demon that haunted her most. She finally started processing her ACEs, was assigned 2 therapists through the Council on Aging, attended AA, and decided once and for all that she was done with drinking. She's now been sober for 1 year and 4 months. And I could not be more proud of her. She's full of joy and tranquility and looks younger than ever. However, my sister still has not come around and I doubt she ever will. And I keep telling my mom that my sis is on her own journey and she has to do what's right for her. Sadly, because I decided to be a part of my mom's life again after 3 months away, my sister has cut me off, too. Again, I remind myself it is her journey and she has to do what's right for her. I did nothing wrong, but to love my mom, forgive her, and welcome her back into my life. But, I've lost my sister as a result. That's sad. We were close, considering the hell we survived together. But, I am one who believes forgiveness is part of my own healing journey. Not all people believe they need forgiveness to heal. And that's fine. Again, we are ALL on our OWN healing journeys. I thank you, again, for always sharing your beautiful insights, your trauma wisdom, and for poking those taboo subjects with a stick to rouse our thoughts on matters worth pondering. You are a much-needed beacon of hope for all of us traveling the healing journey. Thank you!

Love and peace your way,

Teri

P.S. I flew home to Cincinnati to visit with my mom last week . . . she looks amazing and happy for someone who will turn 85 in just a few weeks! 1 year and 4 months sober. Yay, momma! So very proud of her. She truly is my hero.

Thanks so much Teri. I love this photo of your mom. I know what an up-and-down journey it's been, and I gotta say, a little over a year ago it looked like a story that would not end happily, and yet there she is -- sober!!!!  That joyful smile says so much. I appreciate your friendship and support. To be continued.

Anna, thank you for YOUR courage in posting this piece on a topic that is, many times, a taboo hot-topic. Speaking only from my own personal experience, I am witnessing my own soon-to-be eighty-five year old mother's heart breaking because a sibling went no contact with her. My mom was/is an alcoholic for my entire life. And it made for a horrific childhood, for more reasons than one. In July 2019, both me and my sibling walked out of her life. We had threatened before, but always came back around. This time was different. I stayed away for 3 months. And during those 3 months my mom accomplished that which I truly doubted she could. She gave up vodka. And all other alcohol. But, vodka was the demon that haunted her most. She finally started processing her ACEs, was assigned 2 therapists through the Council on Aging, attended AA, and decided once and for all that she was done with drinking. She's now been sober for 1 year and 4 months. And I could not be more proud of her. She's full of joy and tranquility and looks younger than ever. However, my sister still has not come around and I doubt she ever will. And I keep telling my mom that my sis is on her own journey and she has to do what's right for her. Sadly, because I decided to be a part of my mom's life again after 3 months away, my sister has cut me off, too. Again, I remind myself it is her journey and she has to do what's right for her. I did nothing wrong, but to love my mom, forgive her, and welcome her back into my life. But, I've lost my sister as a result. That's sad. We were close, considering the hell we survived together. But, I am one who believes forgiveness is part of my own healing journey. Not all people believe they need forgiveness to heal. And that's fine. Again, we are ALL on our OWN healing journeys. I thank you, again, for always sharing your beautiful insights, your trauma wisdom, and for poking those taboo subjects with a stick to rouse our thoughts on matters worth pondering. You are a much-needed beacon of hope for all of us traveling the healing journey. Thank you!

Love and peace your way,

Teri

P.S. I flew home to Cincinnati to visit with my mom last week . . . she looks amazing and happy for someone who will turn 85 in just a few weeks! 1 year and 4 months sober. Yay, momma! So very proud of her. She truly is my hero.

Hello Kathy -

Thanks for your input. ACEs Connection doesn't choose posts posted by members. We encourage posts and do moderate them by taking down the extremely occasional one that could be activating, portrays violence, or is straight-up trying to sell something unrelated. (Once what seemed to be a solid piece about car accidents and the trauma they cause turned out to be a pitch for radar detectors. That one came down quickly!)

We encourage our members to post in this open platform. To keep the space safe, we do vet the email addresses of all people who want to join ACEs Connection, to make sure the email address is valid.

We are uplifted, inspired, and sometimes awe-struck by the amazing posts our members share, and the great comments they make about the posts.

Carey Sipp

I wish ACEs would resist posts like Anne Runkle's re: holidays, going no contact for the holidays etc.  I guess it's possible this article could help someone, but I'm skeptical.  If you have been hurt by your family to the point that you want to cut them out of your life, you should absolutely feel confident in your gut instincts and pay attention to that.  Each individual and each situation is unique and cannot be reduced to a laundry list.  Consider that the article itself is potentially seductive and exploitive of people who are in a terrible conundrum.  To cut yourself off from your family demands extraordinary courage; it defies our human wiring.  Is it possible to repair?  Of course!  But it requires effort on both sides.  Go slow and evaluate whether or not you are recreating a childhood scenario, then find yourself a therapist who you connect with and develop that relationship.