No one ever told us that it was ok for us to be our own person. No one ever said that we could have self-love, self-esteem, or self-believe. No one told us that we didn’t deserve to be hurt, abused, and mistreated. No one said to us that we could be somebody. And yet they wonder how we got so fucked up?
Honestly, it is a miracle that many of us have made it this far in life. We have been ill-equipped with the wrong tools, the wrong mindset, and the wrong understanding of what it means to be alive. The world around us has said time and again that our rock-bottom, our place of loathing and self-doubt, is our home. You will never be good enough, they say. I say fuck that.
People ask me all the time if I’m angry about being abused as a child and having to carry that weight of anger with me as an adult. Well, of course, I’m pissed off about it. But let me be clear the way power that anger holds in my life is that of a torch lighting the way, not one used to burn down my own house. Besides, what good is self-sabotage when you have already seen the depths of your actions?
How to take responsibility for your life
And look, there is culpability on all sides of this. I know that I am not responsible for the shit that happened to me as a child. No one deserves to be abused, and the impact of CPTSD is that of grave pain. I know that the adults in my life should have been protecting me. I also know that so many of my actions fall on my shoulders. Of course, they are informed by the understanding I have of myself based on my past experiences, and that is why learning to heal, reframe, and rebuild is so essential. I will be very direct here; I fucked up a lot in my teens and twenties. I did dark shit and led a life of self-torment. In part, because I was dissociated and partly because, to be honest, I didn’t give a shit if I lived or died.
This healing trauma thing is not easy, and I’ll be the first to say that on my days, I downright hate it. I wish I could have been adopted and swept away to some fairy tale home of safety, hugs, and cookies, but that wasn’t in the cards for me. And I think about the times being homeless, sleeping on rat covered concrete floors, stealing food from the cornerstone when I was alone for months at a time, and knowing the pain that my brothers suffered alongside me and what happens in me is an explosion that screams no excuses just results.
One day we will have to come to face our reckoning, and that moment will not be bestowed upon us from someone else but rather our reflection in the mirror. Somewhere in this process, we will have to stand up for ourselves against ourselves and say enough is enough. The truth that they don’t want you to know is that you are healthy, capable, loveable, and deserving of everything that you want in your life. They don’t want you to know this because they stay in control. They don’t want you to know this due to the fear that you may rise.
How to take your power back as a CPTSD survivor.
The power that we seek as survivors of child abuse is that we have already known the bottom, we have parlayed with the dark, we have sat in the depths of humanity, and yet, here we are. Why? Why have we suffered so greatly when some people have it seemingly so easy? Why have we endured while other ate from the silver spoon? I don’t know. Why do children get cancer and good people die in fiery wrecks on the highway? I don’t know. There is no book or guide or manual for this thing we call life. There is only today, this moment, this breath, and yet we waste so many precious seconds letting them dictate our lives. There is no promise that I won’t die before I finish writing this, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to make into whatever is next and wonder what-if.
No one is coming to rescue you. Let me repeat that for those in the back, no one is coming to save you; I’m sorry, I wish they were, but this is on you. Everything that is next is in your hands. Every good or bad is on you. Everything you want you can have. You can have love, self-esteem, hope, choice, agency, compassion, joy, happiness, success, and everything in-between as long as you accept two things:
The struggle is always guaranteed.
Only you define the power that these words hold.
I hope you create the reality that you want, and to do that, you will have to get out of your own fucking way. I believe that we all have the power to live our lives on our terms!
When are we going to stop giving up on ourselves?
Until next time my friend…
Be Unbroken,
-Michael
P.S. You can take my brand new 1-hour course: The Key to Healing for FREE. Click Here:www.linktr.ee/michaelunbroken
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