Hi, my name is Leslie and I, like you, have a story.
My story, like yours, began the day my mom’s egg and my dad’s sperm met! You may be wondering why on Earth I would say such a thing. Well, I’m going to tell you why. Here’s my take on my story, your story, all of our stories.
For better or for worse, our parent’s stories play a role in our stories. How?
Well, if our parents never dealt with their own “emotional baggage” then guess who often inherits it?
You got it! Us, their children! My parents' childhood experiences, their self-beliefs and any unhealed wounds they had were unknowingly passed onto me.
I had no clue that their words and their actions may be rooted in their own insecurities. Like many of us, it seems as though as a child, an adolescent and then an adult I wasn't really comfortable expressing my negative emotions. Instead I buried them deep within me so I didn’t have to feel the pain of them. Sounds like a good plan right?
Wrong! All of those negative emotions and unhealed wounds of my childhood never went away. They just hung out creating havoc almost everywhere I went. They always seemed to get in the way whenever I tried to do something to better myself and my life. How about you, does this sound familiar?
My parent's stories and my story lived on because we either weren't aware of our emotional baggage or we ignored it hoping it would just go away and leave us alone! It didn't. The problem with our stories is that we often don't understand we are the way we are. As long as I can remember my dad was quite manipulative; the verbal and emotional abuse was subtle as he was a master at "mind games". He was the the only dad I knew. I assumed he was "normal". I knew he loved me. That little girl learned to believe that manipulation, mind games and being loved were all pieces in the puzzle of "loving relationships". Does that make sense?
Who wants to make a guess on what type of man I married?
You all are so smart! I married someone who was manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive! The kicker is it took me almost 25 years to come to the realization that manipulation and mind games aren't part of a healthy, safe, respectful relationship - any relationship!!
I hate to admit this but I too passed some of my "emotional baggage" onto my kids. I say "some" because I was pretty intuitive by the time I went off to college and I realized that I often ignored my intuition or knowing about my family's dysfunction. By the way, this I believe is more unhealthy than not knowing your family is messed up - I allowed the cycle continue.
Anyway, what I knew by my 20's was that a lot of my issues came from not trusting that my parents "had my back". I never felt safe and secure with them; I swore that when I became a parent, my children would always trust that they were loved, safe and secure as long as I was alive. I believe this is the reason my kids are quite actually emotionally well adjusted. I am so grateful that my kids always felt safe, secure, supported and loved.
By age 49, it was clear to me that I still repeated the dysfunctional family cycle. Figuratively speaking, I had become my mother, my ex-husband was my father and together we raised my oldest child as me. So messed up!
This phenomenon on repeating family dysfunction is what I call the Cycle of the Story. It’s refers to how the family's story lives on by being passed to the next generation and the next generation and so on. This will continue until some family member stops it.
How do you stop the cycle? You stop it by learning about who you are and why you are the way you are; it involves looking at all the pieces of the puzzle called "you". When you do this you will start to see different patterns emerge. Unfortunately, you can’t force your family to learn and grow with you, however, you can make changes within yourself. These changes will allow you to release the “ball and chain” or emotional baggage that has slowed you down in life. Doing this will help you give you the key to unlock your potential as well as
your children and your grandchildren's human potential.
How would a family member know if the Cycle needs to be broken? In my professional experience I have found that some major life events often spark the desire of a family to want to change. Examples include but are not limited to addiction, mental illness, loss of employment, jail, divorce and abuse. Yes, none of these are things we strive for. If a family is healthy and functional there usually isn't a need to break the cycle.
For me, it was a courageous decision my son made at age 19. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a few days before Christmas and I was in the midst of the business of the Holidays when my son sat me down and told me about a decision he made. Probably the best and bravest decision he will ever make. . He said ” Mom, I was born to sing on big stages. The stage is where I feel at most at home with myself. My dream will never become a reality unless I stop drinking. I’m going to rehab on Monday”. Right then and there this 19 year old admitted to himself and the world that he wasn’t perfect and that he needed help. Talk about a proud moment! Of course none of us realized that at that moment he single handedly broke the Cycle of Our Family Story. Over the next few years, our family's baggage was washed, rinsed, neatly folded and packed away as opposed to tucked away!
Tell me about your family, is there a Cycle of a Story ?
Stay tuned next Friday for our second post in the series "Unlocking Human Potential": Breaking the Cycle of the Story
Leslie Peters RN
Speaker/Consultant/Trainer
info@LesliePetersRN.com
610-506-8298
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