What’s your relationship coping skill? Find out why it’s so important to say something!
Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you
Lyrics from “Say Something” by A Great Big World
So often in relationships, when the going gets tough, partners turn away from each other instead of toward each other for support. But within the painful experience of feeling hurt and alone lies the opportunity to heal by sharing it and having that emotion held safely and compassionately. Because of old ways of handling pain in relationships, one partner may not be able to hear the other one saying: “I want you to connect with me.”
But in learning to say something, we can move towards a balanced and healthy place in relationships. The path to more openness starts with understanding two kinds of coping patterns at work in relationships. By understanding your partner’s response to relationship distress — and your own way of coping —you can understand the relationship better. Together you can start to create a more tolerant and caring approach when emotions get triggered.
Two kinds of coping mechanisms in relationships
Psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson developed a method to guide healing for distressed couples: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). She found two roles often emerge when couples repeatedly argue — there are pursuers and withdrawers. Similarly, psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin, in his model, The Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) describes these forces in his model, as islands and waves. All of us naturally tend to adopt one more than the other.
- Pursuers/Waves: Pursuers tend to become more reactive and impulsive during an argument. They are generally more hyper-aroused and anxious. They crave an answer or some control over the situation, so they pursue that answer thinking it will help. Pursuing answers is their coping skill.
- Withdrawers/Islands: Withdrawers tend to become quiet and disconnect during an argument. They retreat, not wanting to engage in the argument. They are more hypo-aroused. They freeze, maybe thinking withdrawing will help.
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