This is Stupid . . .

I was told I have to go to another meeting for me. I’m sick of meetings. I can’t tell you how many meetings I’ve gone to where I’ve seen the same faces talking about the same things (usually how I’m not living up to someone’s expectations or how I’m still displaying some kind of “behavior”). 

I hate this. My progress is a number on a piece of paper. I’m on some kind of level and I have to be on another level before I can do some things I’d LIKE to do – and I’m told I don’t have a choice because I have to NOT DO something I’m not sure how not to do and these other kids I live with are just as mad as I am and . . . it’s stupid. This whole thing is stupid.

I wonder if this is what jail is like? I bet it is.

When I get mad at meetings and tell folks how mad I am at this whole situation they look at each other like they’re saying “See? This is exactly what we’re talking about.”

This is stupid.

They want me to stop doing stuff – but they don’t tell me what to DO instead. I’m ALLOWED to get pissed off! If these guys were in my spot they’d be pissed off too! So – what’s an appropriate way to be pissed off? I mean – I’m told I’m inappropriate a lot. Is there a group for that? Is there another special school I can go to? It’s like all they want me to do is sit and listen and comply appropriately and everything will be OK and then I can make my own decisions and be off levels.

I wonder if the “real world” has levels? 

Then they tell me I don’t know how to cook, or clean, or manage money, or shower the right way a few days a week. I feel stupid about it. It’s supposed to be something I know in order to be a "responsible adult" – I just don’t know how to know it out of thin air. Maybe it’s on another level.

So here I am – being told what I’m not supposed to do, what I don’t know how to do and I think about what it would be like if I just disappeared. I don’t wanna be in this meeting. I don’t wanna have any more meetings. I just want to disappear forever. If I say anything about THAT though – then that’s a problem too and they all start talking about how I can’t say something like that (even if I FEEL like that because this is all so STUPID) and if I keep talking like that they have to call crisis and I’m gonna end up in the hospital again.

They always tell me they’re here to help me – but they say I have trust issues and it’s my fault their help doesn’t work.

This is stupid.