The truth about parenting with a mental illness [metro.co.uk]

This is the type of comment I'd love to see as a post in Parenting with ACEs (hint hint) as well as here. I've just been re-reading Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. So, I can even share a statistic on this topic from that which is pretty dang hopeful. 

"Similarly, when a human parent suffers from a psychiatric condition, but demonstrates good parenting skills, his or her children are no more likely to develop the disease than children who have no genetic predisposition." pg. 205 

So, it's a lot less about a diagnosis than most of us have known or understood. For me, it goes back to parenting skills and ACEs and looking at ACEs, facing and healing them as adults and preventing them for our kids (in our family kids and "our" as in the world kids) is key.

Just this morning I was raging a bit about how traditional talk therapy didn't do enough for me to prepare me for the actual challenges and fears I had when it came to all aspects of parenting and even pre-parenting stuff (sex, pregnancy, birth, managing medication and hormones, sleep deprivation and a changing body). I agree that parenting can and does bring up a lot of stuff. For us. With us. In us - as parents. I wish I'd been armed with more about what does or doesn't happen in the early years has so much impact later on.  

I WISH I'd known about ACEs as well to help me learn to fear my biology and genetics less and to so I'd have gone about the business of learning what helped me heal and parent (learning about attachment, attunement, boundaries, relationships and learning how to calm fear and symptoms of post-traumatic stress). The truth is as a teen and as an adult, I had fears and questions about my "right" to parent. I did fear ending up homeless and crazy and alcoholic, like my father was - though I wouldn't use that language now). I did worry that the "bad" was in me as though my blood and genes were defective. That didn't help prepare me to parent and it wasn't so great for my self-esteem either.

The traditional medical model treats parents in pain as though trauma is only a personal problem and not a national health crisis with a much wider context. That personalizing of our pain, and fairly predictable responses to pain, perpetuates the idea that some people are broken and not well or normal or whatever enough to parent and others are more equipped. Often, the difference is in the presence and absence of ACEs and in the presence and absence of resources and support. We can do stuff about resources, support and prevention. We can do stuff to heal and learn about parenting ourselves and kids. We can do that at any age. 

And our healing not only helps us and our kids but may help change and/or challenge and/or heal our own family and community systems which is kind of awesome. To me, that's how and why little else is as important and powerful as what we do as parents. 

That's the message I'd drive home to teenagers if I were to speak with them. 

Reality is, with ACEs, not addressed, faced, healed or understood, we're likely to be reactive not only to our kids, but life, ourselves, our bodies. EVERYTHING. And so, a crying baby and any forms of stress are harder to manage. Harder, but not impossible. We may need MORE support to parent well, to learn new ways, to heal. We may need to prioritize healing and honestly, we may resent the time, money and effort that takes as well. I would emphasize that and get real and honest.

But, as Donna Jackson Nakazawa also says, we can re-parent ourselves and be good-enough parents. We can improve our health no matter what our experiences. Since she's an expert, I'll quote her: 

"Science tells us that biology does not have to be destiny. ACEs can last a lifetime but they don't have to. We can reboot our brains. Just as physical wounds and bruises heal, just as we regain muscle tone, we can recovery function in under connected areas of the brain. The brain and body at never static; they are always in the process of becoming and changing." (pg. 150)

Maybe interview her for your movie/film. She's wonderful.

I'm glad you are asking questions and for feedback. Geez, this is a really long comment. But it's a really important issue. Thanks again!

Cissy 

Parenting with ACEs and a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress