***I had planned on writing part 2 of my post today. I value keeping true to my word and it’s rare that I can’t be held to it. Today is one of those rare occasions. An “I am…” statement I caught myself making is the reason I’m going to steer off course a bit. Next Friday I’ll post Part 2 with a link to Part 1.***
Last Friday, I wrote my 1st blog post on ACES connection. I’ve written a couple articles here and there but last week was my 1st official “blog” post. The topic was something I know all too well - the Cycle of the Story. I shared a bit of my story and then ended with the importance of “I am…”statements.
Yesterday, I sat down with my morning coffee, got comfy in my favorite chair, pen in hand, ready to let the words flow for part 2. I quickly pull out last weeks post to give it a quick read. I take a sip of my fabulously strong coffee. I look at the post I am about to read and think “wow, good job Leslie.” So there I sit, holding my blog. I start reading the words that I had written. I made it to maybe the third paragraph when all of a sudden, BAM! There it was, my inner critic. It was loud. It was mean. It was obnoxiously saying “This is so not good! What were you thinking, a blog? You? You’re writing isn’t good enough to put on this site!” At the end of this post, I’ll be challenging you to take notice of your “inner critic”.
"Where did that come from” I asked myself. Now, I have done an incredible amount of self-work over the last 6 years and because of that work I was able to shut the critic down pretty quickly. (It did however cause me to switch gears regarding the topic of my 2nd blog post which delayed my posting by 2 days). As soon as I silenced the voice, I sat back and had a good laugh at the irony of the moment. Here I am talking about the pitfalls of “I am…” statements and my own inner critic is screaming out “I’m not good enough!"
I must admit that the Leslie before the personal development work, well let’s just say she would have put the pen down and walked away until she found the courage to try it again! It makes me sad to think that I would give up on something I wanted to do simply because I listened to this negative self-talk. I often wonder what my life would have looked like if I always knew how to tell that damn voice to shut up! Or better yet, what if I had an inner cheerleader? Would I have played it so safe, kept myself so small? I don’t think so - actually I know I wouldn’t have.
What about you, how different would your life be if instead of having your inner critic, you had an inner advocate?
Would you have chosen the same friends, same college, same career path, same partner, same investments, etc..
What opportunities did you let pass by because you listened to the critic?
In the game of life, that voice can be a powerful game stopper if we let it.
That voice can haunt us with those “I am…” statements. It’s capable of creating self-doubt, fear and shame within us without ever providing any evidence to back up its words. How many people actually challenge it or simply shut it down? For that matter, how many of us even realize that the voice isn’t actually part of who we really are - it’s simply who we think we are!
This is some crazy stuff. It fascinates me. You too? Would you like to know where the voice comes from?
Yes? I’m so excited. I love talking about this stuff! Now it’s your turn to sit back in a comfy chair with a fabulous cup of coffee and enjoy the read! (I want to mention that the theory I will discuss has been taught by world leaders in spirituality versus science).
When we are first born our lives are lived in the moment. We have a need - we cry - the need gets met or it doesn’t. The moment or experience is what it is. There’s no meaning about self attached to the moment. There's no story behind the experience. This changes when signs of the ego first appear around age 1, give or take a few months. (According to Psychology Today the development of the ego occurs between the ages of 3 and 5).
The ego means well. In it purest form it’s there to protect us. Our ego etches in our memory those things that we’ve experienced that could potentially harm us. When we encounter those things, it triggers us to be cautious. Here’s an example. A long, long time ago when I was a kid I burnt my hand while helping my mom get something from the oven. Anytime I encountered a stove after that, it was ego that said ” be careful, you remember what happened last time you went near a stove?” Here, ego was my friend!
At some point, ego got bored with being there simply to protect us. It didn’t like playing small! Ego decide that not only would it etch the memory of the experience, it would also etch in our memory how the experience made us feel. This is how ego became an instigator! So in the example above, let’s say when I got burnt my mom lost her cool. She was screaming at me - “ You idiot, what are you stupid?”. Guess what my ego etched in my memory; not so much the stove anymore. Now what’s etched is the false self-belief that “I am stupid”. Here, ego became my foe!
And therein lies the reason why so many us are stuck in our stories. We had an experience -it made us feel a certain way - that feeling caused us to take the experience personally- a self-belief developed-the ego/voice/inner-critic reminds over and over again that we are that self-belief - we start to believe the self-belief- we tell ourselves this “I am...statement daily - we start to act in ways that prove it to be true - our decisions are made based on the “I am …” statement - when the “i am…” is false our whole life is based on a lie - how messed up is that!
Everyone has them, even children raised in healthy, functional, non-toxic environments.
I wonder if false-self beliefs and the power of the inner critic are intensified when someone experiences years of neglect, sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, abandonment, exposure to addiction, mental illness, violence other chronic toxic stressors? I would think so. Talk about resilience!
Imagine how hard it must be to shut down the inner critic with a history of adverse childhood experiences.When that voice screams “You’re not enough, You’re not worthy, You don’t matter” how do you challenge it when the people who are supposed to love and protect you , treat you as though you’re not enough, you’re not worthy and you don’t matter”?
I wanted to continue where I left off last week, with the importance of those “I am..” statements , because the voice in our heads keeps so many of us from doing or being our true selves. It’s that inner critic/voice/ego that often keeps us “Stuck in Our Stories”. The presence of ACE’s makes it harder to tell the voice “it’s words aren’t true”. With the latest reports putting the percentage of Americans having an ACES score of >1 we can have a lot of people not meeting their fullest potential.
What happens to people when they feel as they can do or be more and they don’t act on that feeling?
A host of emotions can surface: sadness, anger, frustration, fear, blame, resentment and more! I don’t know about you, but to me this sounds a lot like the behavior of the masses that cause newsworthy stories.
Remember, hurt people can either hurt or love?
The inner critic will never disappear completely. And that’s ok, because sometimes it tells truth. There are also times it pushes us forward instead of pulling us back. The key is knowing the critic is there and learning how to “shut it down”. I will be doing a separate post in a couple weeks on how to deal with the inner critic on a daily basis.
For now, for us adults the first step is noticing when it’s there. Some things you can do that increase awareness are:
Meditation or simply just sitting in quiet for 5 minutes here and there throughout the day; Journaling can help develop self-awareness.
Journaling is another great way. Writing also frees the creative side of our brains increasing clarity.
Yoga is fabulous because you are focusing on connecting your mind and body (best way to access our feelings).
NLP - Our language is so important. When I first started this work I actually listened to how I spoke about myself - self-deprecating humor- that was me. The importance here is if I don’t honor myself, no one else will either.
Verbally challenge it - ask it for proof of what it’s telling you
Can we prevent the “I’m not good enough” thoughts that most of us have? As parents/caregivers, can we quiet that part of the ego before it even develops?
Anything is possible! I have an idea which I will share in the future.
I’m wondering if we need to be telling our kids "you can do anything you put your mind to but know that you’ll probably suck at it at first and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re not good or your not good at it. It simply means that to be really good at something you have to keep doing it over and over.”
I will close on the subject I started with - me as a writer! I’ve only written a handful of articles/posts so chances it could use a bit of improvement and that’s ok. I know that these are too long, believe it or not I cut a lot out!
My A.D.D. often gets the best of me so sometimes they may not be cohesive. When I write in my professional style that’s when I tend to sound “preachy”. You’re getting the real me, the way this is written is the way I speak. Lastly, it takes me a whole day to write a post (that better improve with time!). I will keep writing, I will continue to improve. It’s up to you whether you want to keep reading until then! I do appreciate feedback, bad or good. It’s important to me to know what topics you want to read about.
Here’s a challenge for you, pick a day and actually listen to your inner critic and write down what she says!
For those who want to share, I would love to hear what your inner critic says!
With gratitude, Leslie
Leslie Peters RN
Unlocking Human Potential: Breaking the Cycle of the Story
Info@LesliePetersRN.com
610-506-8298
www.Youtube.com/c/LesliePetersRNWomenNotAlone
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