As a research topic, Intimate Relationships are not well understood in Indian Country. This article, [LINK HERE] soon to be published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, is a first small step in addressing this gap. Decades ago, I spoke about the difficulties of parenting when you had no examples to emulate. As a boy, I changed diapers, fed babies, soothed fussiness and performed scores of other child care tasks. During one of our early morning talks, my Mother told me that she was very ill with the flu, so much so that she was unable to care for us. She said at the age of 3 or 4, she guided me in changing one of my sisters diapers. I spent 17 years living in my mother’s household (except for a brief stint in foster care) and learned a lot about caring for children. But missing from that household was the influence of a responsible father.
When I married and had my own children, I showed the mothers what I knew and together, we managed to raise 3 children to adulthood. Child care can be frustrating if you have a long learning curve in front of you because you had no experience at home. Many Alaska Natives had no experience at home. Boarding schools, foster care and dysfunctional non parents are a few of the reasons. We know that trauma in the home causes great difficulty. But the lack of a cultural of parenting and responsible relationships can also cause great difficulty.
Addressing childhood trauma requires more than therapy. If we don’t have the skills necessary for seeking out and developing Intimate Relationships, we tend not to have them. And if our skill sets include negatives, such as witnessing interpersonal anger, abuse and violence, we tend to learn and understand those skills. While culture is often mentioned in Indian Country as a healing tool, I try to explain that it is also a teaching tool for learning the wrong behaviors. It teaches you a set of rationalization tools while it reinforces the bad behavior. I listened to one young woman explain cheating on her husband in this way, “I was drunk (and didn’t know what I was doing).” Another man I knew wrote an essay about his wife in which he referred to her as “the bad girl.” What we see and hear in the household can form our worldview on relationships, and not for better, but for worse.
As we identify bad Intimate Relationships in Indian Country, the linkage to childhood trauma should be our priority—work first to heal. Then I believe it is important to provide meaningful learning opportunities about what a good relationship is. Respect, courtesy, meaningful conversation, joint decision making, eliminating anger, hostility and violence are all teachable skills once you recognize and have violence under control. Mentors, coaches and good support, without judgmental reaction, can help a lot.
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