Success Among ACE Victims is Not What it Seems

Wonderful observations and comment, Christine. I have objected to use of the concept of resilience for a long time as well. If we compliment someone for how well they deal with their issues because they are resilient, we often stop their search for deeper problems. They continue to accept the problems in order to continue to remain resilient. And if we speak about building resilience and how wonderful it is to have resilience, I feel we may drive many to believe they have to have resilience and stop seeking help. But because they still feel the pain, the mask of resilience is just another mask we wear until we are truly helped. You sound like a wonderful, honest friend with compassion. When your friend starts to accept acknowledgement of stress, she can start to heal. Good luck. 

I love this topic. It's important. 

Personally, I'm not a fan of the word resilient. 

I just had a talk with a friend the other day. She said how she looks to have a stable life, from the outside, but how she feels crazy at times. She's not yet 40 and has undiagnosed problem after problem. She gets headaches, heart palpitations and crazy lab results that don't make sense. 

She was getting down on herself and I said, "It's stress."

She rebuked. She wasn't more stressed than other people.

And while she's a single mother with a full-time job and a kid, she may not be more stressed than most. 

But she has a very high ACE score. She's had stress from the get go. She's never not been stressed. And with life's normal stress, she has no way to absorb shocks.

"Your tires are bald," I said, "The treads are worn and so the roads are harder to handle, even when it's not snowing. That's not your driving ability." 

That's how I think of it and the older I am that's how it feels. I have more tools, luckily, but I also have fewer reserves to draw upon. I feel stress more in a physical way. Part of that is being attuned to my own body and part of it is being over-sensitive to stress. My body goes into panic too quickly even when my brain knows, "It's safe." 

Things help. Yoga. Guided imagery. Writing. Love. But it's hard to fill the well at high stress times.

I told my friend, others routinely have maybe a partner, a parent, the idea that if it gets hard they can go to x, y or z person. Others have some assistance, emotional, financial or practical. She doesn't. She rarely has. She has people who love the heck out of her but no one who sees it as part of their job in life to make sure she's got oil heating the house. That's all on her. She feels that. And she's felt that since she was 4. 

She's a financial and professional success. She's fun and lively and beautiful. She's creative. And she's also wearing a heart monitor and exhausted and burnt out. 

That's not a doctor answer but it's my take on your question. It's a good question. Resilience doesn't mean immune or not worn down or out. She managed to live through childhood but it doesn't mean it hasn't and isn't taking a toll.