Self Acceptance/Compassion Summit - September 11-20, 2017

I have much I could respond to with your comments Cissy.

I shall get back to you later, maybe on Parenting With ACEs(!) as it is SO important as a parent to work through this.  Of course it is also important if you don't have children, but one is additionally responsible to not pass on the dysfunction as much as one is able.

As I have said, it's PIONEER work, and you sound like you're consciously doing a great job.  It certainly seems "good enough."  And good enough is the bar we should at the least aim to reach.  The rest is a bonus, kinda thing.   I read your post you'd written after some discussion with your daughter about Brene Brown's quotes/thinking, who replied something along the lines of, "But we're more than good enough!"  Such comments are  so very affirming and reassuring that you're  on the right track!

It's hard hard work.  Not for the queasy! 

Mem Lang posted:

I think it pertinent to also add to self compassion and acceptance (are they one and the same or overlap?), that I have found that the deep (often intergenerational) shame that accompanies high ACEs etc has to also be addressed at a deeper, more meaningful level.

Beverly Engel discusses this in one of her articles around self forgiveness.

"Forgiving yourself will do more for you in terms of healing your shame than almost anything you can do."

I have found her posts on such insights to be valuable, indeed necessary in forging the way for this more relevant understanding. In fact, to accept oneself, one does have to also forgive oneself - viscerally. Then self compassion can more easily flourish. To me this is more pertinent than discussing resilience, which can often times appear very superficial, but everyone has to find their own path, of course. This, I must add is still mostly theory for me!

Whilst I haven't read her books, I think therapists, advocates and those trying to heal would find her work helpful in this further exploration of why we hold onto self limiting beliefs. Knowing that they are that, but still unable (deeply rooted survival skills that certainly no longer serve us well?) to move from this position...

https://www.psychologytoday.co...have-harmed-yourself

Thanks for sharing this, Mem. I recently heard Tonier Cain speak and one thing that has been knocking through my mind is that she said she formed a belief system that "Bad things happen to bad people" and so, since bad things were happening, she must be bad. I think that's total child logic and so, many with developmental trauma feel such guilt, shame and self-blame. Though we have nothing to "forgive" ourselves for, intellectually, it often does FEEL that way. 

I agree, resilience doesn't speak to me at the soul, core level the way it does for many, as I see most of resilience as being the lack of ACEs, the absence of neglect, abuse and dysfunction. Not that it's quite that simple, of course, but that a lot of what others call resilience is actually the absence of adversity. 

But I think, more and more, that using all of the language that speaks to people is good. There are many energized by resilience language and many who find it just kind of misses and some of us who understand both. I think we just have to keep using and sharing ALL of what works for ALL of us. 

So thank you for sharing this quote. This comment would make a great post over in Parenting with ACEs (hint hint) if you felt/feel like sharing it there. 

I was talking about some mom guilt the other day with a mother mentor and this self-forgiveness topic came up. I was berating myself and saying how bad I felt that my kid has a mom limited by PTSD. My friend, without PTSD or a lot of ACEs pointed out that it was my PTSD, in her opinion, making me say, without guilt, "That's beyond my limits." She didn't see my PTSD as limiting my abilities but my ability to feel good about setting limits. I think she is on to something and I am often having to forgive myself OVER and OVER and OVER. 

I'm so glad you commented. 
Cissy

I think it pertinent to also add to self compassion and acceptance (are they one and the same or overlap?), that I have found that the deep (often intergenerational) shame that accompanies high ACEs etc has to also be addressed at a deeper, more meaningful level.

Beverly Engel discusses this in one of her articles around self forgiveness.

"Forgiving yourself will do more for you in terms of healing your shame than almost anything you can do."

I have found her posts on such insights to be valuable, indeed necessary in forging the way for this more relevant understanding. In fact, to accept oneself, one does have to also forgive oneself - viscerally. Then self compassion can more easily flourish. To me this is more pertinent than discussing resilience, which can often times appear very superficial, but everyone has to find their own path, of course. This, I must add is still mostly theory for me!

Whilst I haven't read her books, I think therapists, advocates and those trying to heal would find her work helpful in this further exploration of why we hold onto self limiting beliefs. Knowing that they are that, but still unable (deeply rooted survival skills that certainly no longer serve us well?) to move from this position...

https://www.psychologytoday.co...have-harmed-yourself

Hi Cissy! Long time...! 

Hopefully something for you and many on this site.  Self compassion etc.  An easy concept(s) to intellectually grasp perhaps, yet can be so profoundly difficult to authentically and consistently put into practise in our everyday lives. Know you know this, as you write eloquently on such subjects.

Cheers,

Mem

I just signed up for this. THANK YOU for sharing this Mem! Cissy