In both my personal and professional experiences, I’ve often observed a prevalent negativity surrounding individuals with avoidant tendencies. It’s understandable at a superficial level, as some of their behaviors, like ghosting or stonewalling, can undoubtedly have a negative impact on others. These actions often trigger reactions from those with secure or anxious attachment styles. It’s important to recognize that avoidant attachment is a form of insecure attachment, originally conceptualized by attachment specialist John Bowlby during his studies on young children’s attachment to their mothers. Healthy attachment patterns are generally considered secure, and the good news is that attachment style is not set in stone. Additionally, avoidant attachment exists on a spectrum, with some individuals exhibiting these behaviors more prominently than others.
Avoidantly attached individuals often require significant amounts of alone time, tend to withdraw when asked about their feelings in-depth, and can emotionally shut down when they feel overwhelmed or triggered by their partner. Dr. Sue Johnson, in her extensive work on attachment theory and adult relationships, argues against therapists recommending immediate conflict resolution or problem-solving during relationship conflicts. She believes the first step should be acknowledging that a childhood attachment trigger is occurring.
In his book “Attached,” Amir Levine argues that avoidant attachment primarily impacts the dating world, with over half of individuals in the online dating scene exhibiting avoidant attachment styles. This prevalence is often why many struggle to find a committed partner within this dating sphere. Avoidant-attachers typically have shorter-term relationships and find themselves single more often than their secure and anxious counterparts. Their challenges with expressing their feelings and vulnerability can make them more prone to infidelity, often leading to their behavior being labeled as toxic by those in the secure and anxious attachment community and the broader mental health field.
However, there seems to be less empathy extended to avoidant-attachers. In my opinion, it’s crucial to consider what’s happening within these individuals when they exhibit avoidant attachment behavior. From a nervous system and trauma perspective, individuals engaging in these behaviors are often shutting down because their nervous systems are overwhelmed, and they feel emotionally unsafe. This heightened state may lead them to flee or freeze emotionally, as they may perceive others as demanding them to express feelings when they’re unsure how to do so in that moment.
Frequently, they just need space to allow their nervous systems to calm down so they can reconnect with themselves before attempting to reconnect with others. The freeze response, one of the oldest survival mechanisms in our fight-flight-freeze response system, often signals a preparation for death. Therefore, individuals with extreme avoidant tendencies may find it exceptionally challenging to trust and connect with others, perceiving many situations as emotionally dangerous.
When they pull away, it may not be an attempt to hurt others, but rather a strategy to manage their heightened state of emotional arousal. Viewing it through this lens, it becomes evident that they are the ones who need our empathy the most. By fostering understanding and empathy, we can create a more compassionate and supportive environment for individuals with avoidant attachment styles.
–Melissa McManis, LCSW
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