My work as a mediator allows me to peer into all kinds of conflict. Now working to strengthen families and create safe, nurturing environments for children, I am struck by the need to challenge my gender to be “real men.” The reality is that we men are the primary perpetrators of abuse and violence, and related disruption in families. So it is up to us to take responsibility for our own actions and to encourage those of our gender who – having been taught, or raised without guidance, or out of their own adverse experiences – resort to behaviors that are destructive to both themselves and others.
While I am thrilled to be the father of daughters, a couple years ago I compiled some thoughts about what I would try to convey to a son if I had one, and which I hope to convey to my six year old grandson when he is a little older. These are my thoughts from that day – 12 principles – for living in integrity as men and embracing resilience to overcome our own upbringing and/or the culture around us:
- “Real men” do not force themselves on another person in any way – physically, verbally or emotionally
- The strength of a man is not measured by who he can dominate but who he can build-up and support
- Treat all people with kindness, especially the most vulnerable – this means developing greater sensitivity to the needs of people around us
- Testosterone is part of the male make-up to perpetuate humankind – it is not an excuse for violence, rage, abuse or harming another person
- It is okay to appreciate the beauty of a woman; just don’t allow a glance to lead to leering or lust or objectifying a woman
- Demonstrate respect for others, especially women; chivalry used to be a highly valued character trait in men – we need more of it
- Uphold the dignity and value of others – don’t participate in mindless chatter or activities that objectifies or devalues women or children
- Refrain from vulgarity – it leads the mind to unbecoming places; focus your mind on laudable and lofty ideas
- Be willing to admit and address your weaknesses or they will become a harness to you; value honesty above deceit – beginning with yourself
- Do not accept cultural values that demean women, children or people from other races, religions or cultures
- There might be a time in your life where physical force is needed – to protect the vulnerable or the innocent; this should be the only reason and the last resort
- Humility – not arrogance – and the willingness to change are virtues and signs of strength and self-esteem, not signs of weakness.
I am left with a question that requires further exploration. Many of the major peacemakers on the global stage have been men – why doesn’t our culture extol that as a male virtue, as a quality to be pursued, as much as we promote wayward concepts of being “macho?” As men, let’s reflect on what we can do to become leaders toward a more compassionate, nurturing and less violent world.
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