I recently wrote a post on LINKEDIN ( link and text of post are below) designed to encourage positive as opposed to negative feedback. It was inspired by another blog post which I have also linked and the text of the inspirational post below).
Indeed, we suffer from negative feedback on many levels. As parents, teachers and employers, positive feedback can improve outcomes, it can ease tension and stress, it can improve work produce and sense of self.
One key issue: how do we encourage more parents, teachers and employers to use this positive approach, most especially if they are not used to speaking with "do's" as opposed to "don'ts." We need to find ways to reinforce and encourage those who speak in "do's." How? Professional development? Mentoring? Role playing? Role modeling?
I am concerned that the need for positive as opposed to negative commentary to move people and get needed outcomes isn't easy to implement. Writing about it doesn't do nearly enough. Small scale implementation is helpful but insufficient.
So, how do we scale this type of approach? Suggestions welcomed.
As noted, here is the link to and text of the LINKEDIN piece --- adding detail and flavor I hope. Also, I was inspired by a piece that is hyperlinked within my post -- so peruse that too if the topic is of interest.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse...en-gross?published=t
TEXT of LINKEDIN piece:
I recently read the following powerful short blog post: http://teachlikeachampion.com/...rmarket-parking-lot/.
In sum, it describes a young child dancing in a parking lot and not listening to her mother about the dangers of her behavior. In the linked post, the author distinguishes between instructions to children that start with "don't" and those that start with "do." The mother was saying to her daughter (who was paying her no mind): "Don't dance dear." What if, the post's author posits (and wonders why he did not speak up), the mother had tried expressing her desire positively saying something akin to: "Hold my hand dear so you are closer to me."
The author observes, correctly in my view, that children (and I'd add adults) do better in terms of compliance and listening if we posit suggestions and "demands" in the positive as opposed to negative. In fact, negative instructions seem harsh and demeaning and stifling. "Don't dance" sounds to me like one is crushing creativity. I do get the mother's concern: dancing around in a parking lot is an invitation to disaster as cars pull in and out of parking spots.
I'd like to think that what the mother was really saying (if she self-reflected and with some distance) was: "Please dance next to me -- it is safer." Or, perhaps she was thinking: "I adore your dancing but please do it in a way that does not expose you getting hit by a crazy driver." Surely, in the moment, it is not always easy to remember to phrase something as a positive when one is fretting over an impending danger.
Reflect on classrooms and workplaces and our effort to get children or adults to perform more effectively. Posit a child who is coloring a pre-set image. Reflect on the teacher who says "Don't color outside the lines" with the teacher who says "see if you can color most of the time inside the lines." Now, I have a conceptual problem with the whole idea of "coloring inside the lines," but the point is that a positive approach is likely to achieve compliance and without a child feeling he/she did something wrong. After all, there is nothing seriously wrong with coloring outside the image or dancing in the streets.
In the workplace, ponder how to get employees to complete needed and boring time sheets or some other cumbersome but necessary paperwork. Suppose the supervisor sends an email that says, "Don't forget to complete X" or goes into the employee's office and says (depending on tone of voice too) "Don't forget to do the time sheets" or "Don't head home til you've completed this week's paperwork." Yes, the paperwork may get done but let's just say that the employee might not get a warm and fuzzy feeling. What if, instead of the above, the employer sent an email that said, "I hope you'll find time to complete those time sheets this week." Or, suppose the supervisor goes into the employee's office and says, "I know you're busy but I hope you can get to those cumbersome time sheets this week."
Ponder healthcare instructions. Do doctors get greater compliance by saying "Don't smoke" or saying, "Perhaps you can try this strategy to curb smoking?" Or, if a patient is overweight, a medical professional saying: "Don't eat these foods" might not meet with the same success as the person who says: "Let's look at foods you like that you can eat frequently to speed your weight loss."
I understand that both children and adults need to learn to accept criticism and improve their behavior or work output or activities in a prescribed arena. I get the absence of perfection. And, I appreciate we are not always sensitive in terms of how we express needs and desires. I am not suggesting we progress through time without rules or consequences or feedback.
What I am suggesting is that HOW we offer criticism matters. It matters buckets. We should want to be encouraging. We actually should want people dancing in the street -- they are energized and creative and bold. Why discourage that? So, when the offending behavior is not what is safe or right or timely, why not say something that is encouraging not discouraging, something that is positive not negative. The aftermath will be vastly better for all.
So, try thinking about talking to others without the word "don't" and with words like "I hope...." "I would welcome....," Please __________(active verb) if you would...." Bottom line here for parents, teachers and supervisors: enable dancing in the streets (literally and figuratively). We will all benefit.
Note: Special thanks yet again to MW. His stories of the workplace also influence my thinking and the role of leaders in nurturing success in others.
TEXT AND LINK to piece that inspired all of the above:
http://teachlikeachampion.com/...rmarket-parking-lot/
TEXT:
I feel a bit anxious every time I write a post that applies something Ive learned about teaching to parenting. I always remember the feeling of being a parent when everyone thinks they know better than you. So I will state that i am most certainly NOT a parenting expert, but every once in a while i am foolish enough to write something about parenting anyway, hoping it might be helpful. If it is, great. If not. please don’t feel the need to tell me what an awful person I am.
At the supermarket Sunday morning I was observing a mom with two young girls. One was perhaps two or two and a half. The other might have been five. They were happy girls- curious about everything… smiley and adorable. They were sweet kids but they were also a bit all over the place. She’d be grabbing some fruit and suddenly they would be out of her sight and she wouldn’t quite know where they were, and this became a problem when they left the store and went into the parking lot.
I happened to be just behind them and the littlest kept dancing away from her mom. The mom would glance away and suddenly her littlest was ten yards away twirling circles in the place where a car might turn in or back out. It was dangerous. There was no brake-screeching incident, but it was definitely not safe.
And so the mom corrected the girls. “Don’t run away, honey,” she said. “Momma said No dancing right now.” And honestly it wasn’t working so well. She would describe what they shouldn’t do but not what they should. They girls had to make an inference to know that what she wanted was for them to walk right next to her in the parking lot. They had to make an inference about how to do ‘walking with momma’ right. And of course they didn’t yet know enough to make that inference.
It reminded me that what I was seeing was the need for What To Do… a lesson I learned over and over myself as a parent and for which I am grateful to all the teachers who taught me.
For a moment I considered approaching and explaining:
“If you tell her what to do—‘Stay right next to momma” or “Hold my hand”–instead of what not to do—“Don’t run away”– it will be easier for her to follow your directions. They’ll be clearer and she’ll follow them. Plus you can give your directions earlier and more warmly because they are just instructions not a correction. You’ll be reminding not nagging.
If she still struggles, simplify your directions even more. Shrink the change into something even more specific and observable: “Closer please. You should be near enough to touch momma with your hand.”
Anyway I didn’t do that. It felt too presumptuous and awkward. A middle aged man giving parenting advice to a young mother in the parking lot feels weird and judgmental and quite possibly creepy. I thought of the time a man gave my wife advice on how to hold our daughter when she was breastfeeding her. I definitely wasn’t gonna be that guy. I didn’t say anything.
But all day I found myself worrying about that happy little girl twirling away in the parking lot- the danger and also the long term challenge of momma feeling like she had to get stern with her when she ‘wouldn’t’ follow directions. I fact I was pretty sure would have if she’d understood the directions.
So maybe I should have said something.
Anyway given that I didn’t, here’s a belated note to that young mom of two lovely healthy girls… or anyone else who you think might find the advice that great teachers taught me as a sometimes struggling parent: You’re doing great. They’re lovely kids. Everyone struggles sometimes. But try using What To Do directions… describe the solution in clear, observable, concrete steps so your kiddos know just what to do to get it right.
Oh, and hug em every chance you get.
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