Not Everyone Should Be A Parent

George Siegal 10/23/1812:50 PM

When Blue Hess was with his biological family, both his parents and their extended family abused and neglected him and his siblings. They had drug abuse problems, and problems with alcohol. According to Blue, his dad would beat and punch him all the time.

In the documentary film License to Parent, Blue tells the story of how he was at his father’s house in his room and was hungry. “I was so hungry and I know my dad was in the house but I couldn’t get the food because I’d get in trouble. So I remember walking to my father’s room, opening the door, and he’s having sex with a woman. He sees me, catches me, and I remember getting so freaked out I run back to my room, and lock the door. He breaks the door open and starts beating me. And all I wanted to do is ask for food.”

As a child, Blue didn’t understand what his parents were doing to him was wrong. It became part of his life. He says he didn’t fully understand how bad it was until he learned other kids at school weren’t treated like that. Someone stepped up and pointed this out, and Child Protective Services removed him from his family.

The good news is he got away from them, but the bad news is all of the problems he had to endure in the foster care system until a good family finally adopted him. The scars of what he had to endure are something he still carries with him today as a grown-up.

Clearly, Blue was born into a situation that his parents had no ability to handle well, and this just isn’t right.

You can see Blue’s story in our recently released documentary film, License to Parent.

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Christine Cissy WhiteIt's not trauma-informed unless it's informed by trauma survivors.

George:

Thanks for your response. I will absolutely watch the film! I'm super interested and it looks as though it's very well done.

The trailer, which refers to abusive parents as animals, is hard to watch. How it portrays addiction, at least in the trailer, doesn't take into account what we know thanks to ACEs science. It seems to shame and blame parents which I don't think it's an effective approach for kids or for families - many of who have been traumatized and re-traumatized by systems (school, medical, criminal justice, child welfare) who while intending to help have often treated symptoms as causes and ignored what causes symptoms and what causes symptoms to get worse rather than better. I'm glad to hear there's other voices and perspectives included not depicted in the clip.

There's very little support, tools, education or resources for teens and adults, who have ACEs, that is available prior to being in crisis, overwhelm or trouble - despite ACEs science. There's very little parent-led and parent-supportive support that's effective, trauma-responsive, affordable, accessible, appealing and more than a handoff referral for services even when someone is saying, "I need more help/support." There's a reason that those of us who have worked on our own healing, parenting, and ACEs are so active and passionate about the ACEs movement and co-creating new and different solutions and approaches to this work.

I used to call myself a break-the-cycle parent. But honestly, the longer I'm a part of this movement, the less I want to break anything... even the cycle. I want to heal, and to create more healing for my child and all children, the next children, as well as for myself. But also, quite often, I think about how different the lives of my parents and their parents and their parents might have been had they had more support, less pain, more resources, less poverty and inequity.

Many of us were told early and often we needed to get away from our toxic, dysfunctional family members and for some of us, that's true, necessary, a wise and self-affirming choice. But many wish to heal in the family and with family members and / or to understand how and why our parents, who are also sometimes our abusers, ended up hurting us. It's hard to create new and effective solutions for families unless we do that. The approaches, we've collectively used, to date, have rarely been effective for kids, families, as well as for parents.

Thanks for engaging in this conversation. I'll watch the movie before commenting more and perhaps review it as well.

Cissy

10/24/183:21 AM

George SiegalMember

Rebecca Lewis-Pankratz posted:
I’m grateful Blue is sharing his story.
I’m even more grateful for the people in this movement who refuse to perpetuate the narratives of good guys and bad guys.
Truth be told, hurt people hurt people.
No easy solutions, BUT we are asking new questions.
There were several years in my life where my kids should have been removed. I praise God they weren’t. I praise God for a community who surrounded me and buffered my toxic stress so I could buffer my children.
I work with MANY families to heal and it turns out these families are uniquely positioned to lead us all out of the darkness.
Together.

Hi Rebecca,

Thanks for taking the time to comment on the blog. Blue has been through a lot. It's tough to hear those kinds of stories and then try to imagine what he went through. Everyone we talked to shared the importance of breaking that cycle, and fortunately some of them were able to that.

10/23/187:57 PM

George SiegalMember

Cissy White (ACEs Connection Staff) posted:
George:
I have to admit the title of this post makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it is supposed to (it did grab my attention).
I've not seen the movie yet but does it talk about what happened to the parents as children? As I heard @Rebecca Lewis-Pankratz say at the ACEs Conference last week, "parents are just kids with ACEs who grew up." I think we all have to change the experience of childhood so that we all have the safety, skills, and resources to parent well. It's hard to parent well if we haven't been well-parented. But it's not impossible.
I think these are issues we all face together as a society - people caring about other people.
But I worry about deeming or suggesting some people are qualified to parent and some aren't and who might make that determination - and how.
It's not just having ACEs, or not, that determines value and outcomes (though it does predict risk and lots of consequences), but those things combined with having (or not) any other healing, resources, safety, support, in families and the community, before, during and after ACEs happen.
We know that many children are traumatized by the foster care system and by adoptive parents, and in both those cases parents often have to go through extensive requirements in order to become eligible to parent or provide care (there are sometimes financial, religious, age, weight, gender, marital status, etc. related rules depending on the place from which one plans to adopts).
Plus, despite lots of ACEs, I'm sure glad my parents had kids and that me and others with high ACEs have lots to share that is in and of itself valuable. We are more than failed prevention or case studies in resilience. Our lives, even when trauma filled, are complex, meaningful, and significant.
O.k., given the length of this post I'm going to step away from the computer as my buttons got a little pushed and I keep pushing these button keys back
I do wonder what the main takeaways in this film are and always appreciate any time we are talking about parenting, ACEs and parenting with ACEs.
Cis

Cissy,

Thank you very much for taking the time to write what you did. I hope you will watch the film and then let me know your thoughts. We interviewed a counselor in the film who said she thought there was no such thing as a bad parent. They just lacked the proper skills to do the job. However stories we hear in the news and the things we see so many kids put through are heartbreaking. I hope our film makes people have a conversation about what an important job being a parent is. In case you decide not to watch, I will let you know we don't take the position that someone should be deciding who can and cannot have kids.

10/23/187:53 PM

Rebecca Lewis-PankratzMember

I’m grateful Blue is sharing his story.

I’m even more grateful for the people in this movement who refuse to perpetuate the narratives of good guys and bad guys.

Truth be told, hurt people hurt people.

No easy solutions, BUT we are asking new questions.

There were several years in my life where my kids should have been removed. I praise God they weren’t. I praise God for a community who surrounded me and buffered my toxic stress so I could buffer my children.

I work with MANY families to heal and it turns out these families are uniquely positioned to lead us all out of the darkness.

Together.

10/23/184:21 PM

Christine Cissy WhiteIt's not trauma-informed unless it's informed by trauma survivors.

George:
I have to admit the title of this post makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it is supposed to (it did grab my attention).

I've not seen the movie yet but does it talk about what happened to the parents as children? As I heard @Rebecca Lewis-Pankratz say at the ACEs Conference last week, "parents are just kids with ACEs who grew up." I think we all have to change the experience of childhood so that we all have the safety, skills, and resources to parent well. It's hard to parent well if we haven't been well-parented. But it's not impossible.

I think these are issues we all face together as a society - people caring about other people.

But I worry about deeming or suggesting some people are qualified to parent and some aren't and who might make that determination - and how.

It's not just having ACEs, or not, that determines value and outcomes (though it does predict risk and lots of consequences), but those things combined with having (or not) any other healing, resources, safety, support, in families and the community, before, during and after ACEs happen.

We know that many children are traumatized by the foster care system and by adoptive parents, and in both those cases parents often have to go through extensive requirements in order to become eligible to parent or provide care (there are sometimes financial, religious, age, weight, gender, marital status, etc. related rules depending on the place from which one plans to adopts).

Plus, despite lots of ACEs, I'm sure glad my parents had kids and that me and others with high ACEs have lots to share that is in and of itself valuable. We are more than failed prevention or case studies in resilience. Our lives, even when trauma filled, are complex, meaningful, and significant.

O.k., given the length of this post I'm going to step away from the computer as my buttons got a little pushed and I keep pushing these button keys back

I do wonder what the main takeaways in this film are and always appreciate any time we are talking about parenting, ACEs and parenting with ACEs.

Cis

10/23/183:06 PM

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