By JS Lee, Health, May 19, 2021
A coworker once looked at me earnestly and asked, "How are you so 'together'? How do you have it all figured out already?" I was an art director with a beautiful office in my mid-20s. I smiled and sheepishly shrugged—but the truth was, my life was a mess. Learning to fake it is something I had mastered young; it's how I survived as an adopted child in an all-white family.
I was the only Asian and adopted person in a family of seven kids. The New England towns where I spent my childhood had majority white populations. And though we weren't as wealthy as we appeared, we had more material comfort than most. Our houses were among the largest around and we had several vehicles—including a limousine for everyday personal use. Folks would comment that I'd won the lottery. My adoptive parents put on a great show, and in public, I knew my role—to keep up the appearance that we were a proud, happy family. I smiled at all the right times, excelled in school, and was coached to say the right things. But behind closed doors and behind my smile, things were far from okay.
Throughout most of my life, despite how things appeared on the surface, I didn't feel comfortable or safe in my body or home. There was constant shouting. Surveillance cameras hung from the ceilings of our bedrooms. One of my adoptive brothers would cause me physical harm, chase me with a knife, and hurl racial slurs, without consequences. My adoptive father thought it was flattering to reveal his penchant for Asian girls. Judgmental and sexualized comments were made of our bodies. I felt guilty for not connecting to those I called mom and dad. Each night, I'd wake with immobilizing fear from dreams of needing to rescue my family or evading intruders. Since the world around me implored that my life was so charmed, I believed something must've been wrong with me—which I've since learned is common for children coping with trauma. According to recent research published in The European Journal of Psychotraumatology, children in traumatic situations will use self-blame as a coping mechanism.
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