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Know Your Habitual Defense Responses And Live Within The Window of Tolerance

Here's the scenario:

You are moving across country. Driving from Los Angeles, CA to Sarasota, FL. Everything you own is in your car. EVERYTHING. You need to make it to Sarasota FAST. You start a new job in less than a week. You've given yourself 3 days driving — at most! — and 2 days to settle into your new place before the job starts.

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You are alone. Except for your cherished pet, Kitty.

 

(Maybe you have a dog.)

 

Luck is not on your side. You are passing through Louisiana one day after a major hurricane. Highway Patrol puts you on a detour through the state's back roads. You literally spot tornadoes funneling across flat stretches of land. You drive on roads where the water covers your wheels. You pass raccoons, deer, and possums, their eyes glowing that blank, in-the-headlights stare. You think of them as kindred spirits, mirroring the hollow feeling in your frightened soul.

 

It's now evening and still storming.

 

You decide enough of the crazy push to cross the entire country in less than 3 days. You stop in a roadside motel. (Think Bates Motel, or something out of a David Lynch movie. Not the Ritz Carlton.) Tired, you leave your things in the car, although you don't feel safe about the decision. But you take Kitty into the room with you.

 

A bit spooked, Kitty curls up in a corner trying to make herself small. You climb into the lonely bed and try to fall asleep, but startle when you hear something rustling in the opposite corner from Kitty. You turn on the lights, and OMG! THERE'S A POISONOUS SNAKE!!!

What do you do? 

  1. Look around for something to use to kill the snake?
  2. Crunching your legs up, you push your body hard against the headboard, and scream uncontrollably?
  3. Even though your heart's racing, you pick up the phone and in a relatively calm voice let the front desk know you need, um, some assistance, please, and start whispering about the snake?
  4. Bolt out of the room and hope Kitty follows you out the open door?
  5. Grab Kitty then bolt out the room?
  6. Grab your phone and take a photo of the snake, maybe even a selfie, before running out the door, calling Here, kitty, kitty once you're far, far away?
  7. Just sit there. Frozen.

How you imagine dealing with this scenario might tell you something about yourself, and your 'go-to' defenses during times of stress. Are you someone who usually tries to fight her/his way out of problems? When you get scared, do you avoid relying on others? Blinded by your fear, do you forget there is anyone or anything else? Do you rely too much on others to get you out of jams? Do you get caught in minutia, distractions, or denial? Or do you just freeze up?

 

Sometimes when fear or stress is intense, the problem isn't so much the overwhelmingly scary or stressful thing happening in our lives, but how we deal (or don't deal) with it.

 

Maybe you learned you had to fight your way out of every bad situation on your own, and now you need to learn how to rely more on others for help. Or maybe you've come to see yourself as weak, and you need to break out of 'victim' mentality. Perhaps you caretake others so much you don't even know your own needs, let alone how to address them. Or maybe you are so emotionally cut off from feeling fear, you treat life-threatening danger like it's a Disney ride.

 

Ideally, we have access to all possible defense reactions — fight, flight, freeze, submit, attach. And the right one is the one that most adaptively fits the situation we find ourselves in. But in reality, the defenses we use are largely determined by past traumatic or potentially traumatic situations, along with our temperaments and our efforts to adapt to family, cultural, and ecological conditions. Such conditioning naturally influences how we adapt to present moment experiences.

 

For example, people who have had to endure histories of chronic abuse often submit when fighting or fleeing would be a better option. They 'over learn' submission as a defense, and tend to lack a robust fight response, or at least one that would increase survival when they are no longer subjected to what Judith Herman in Trauma and Recovery categorized as conditions of captivity, such as childhood abuse or domestic violence.

 

In contrast, someone who's body has become organized around fight, and has had to react quickly and aggressively in order to survive, such as conditions of combat or bullying, can have more difficulty reaching out for help, or running from a threat, when these responses would lead to a better outcome.

 

I doubt many people take time to contemplate their go-to defenses, unless they cause a lot of trouble, but I think it's a wise thing to do. Best laid plans — not to mention perfectly good relationships — can be destroyed by a lack of awareness of the defenses that get activated in times of threat or intense stress. Not only because of the lack of fit between our habitual defenses and what would be most adaptive to each unique situation, but also because of the fallout that often follows. Because, along with go-to defenses usually comes a costly recovery period. For example, going back to the snake-in-the-motel scenario...

After the snake problem is resolved, what would you do? 

  1. Go back to bed, thinking What's the chance of another snake showing up?
  2. Go back on the road, perhaps in search of a Ritz Carlton?
  3. Suffer insomnia as your mind obsessively and uncontrollably continues to envision the snake?
  4. Gorge on the $30 worth of vending machine snacks you just bought in the lobby?
  5. Buy a 6-pack (or 12-pack) from the Seven Eleven down the road and drink yourself numb while watching infomercials with the TV on mute, your ears piqued for the sound of snake?
  6. Call someone who can give you support and help calm your nerves?
  7. Call someone who you wished could give you support, but never has and likely never will? And then maybe pick a fight, discharging all that pent-up fear, but blaming your outburst on her/his chronic insensitivity?
  8. Surf web until light breaks, then sleep until noon, screwing up your plans for driving the next day?
  9. Acknowledge your state of distress and use meditation or physical activity to discharge the tension from your body? (Yeah, right.)

Assuming the snake has been removed and the motel now safe, the best options are #1, completely let the crisis go (You're a Yogi! — or in total denial), or #6, seek truly supportive help that you are emotionally prepared to receive, or #9, acknowledge your body is in need of TLC. These responses are most likely if you are some advanced emotional being, or are on your way there.

 

Most of us will regress to our own personal 'lesser' selves, that shell beneath the shell of basic functioning. Supposedly these are the times when we discover our character. In actuality, though, we're just being our scared as shit selves. And it's okay to be scared or stressed, except for the impact chronic stress and fear have on the body (including contributing to the onset of things like dementia, diabetes, fibromyalgia, etc.) and the reverberating impact that intense fear (including its dissociation or complete denial) can have on relationships when we act like selfish jerks — you know, like when you act like you're the only person who ever woke up to a cottonmouth in the corner of a motel room. Please!

 

A lot of the time we need to get over ourselves, albeit with compassion, kindness, and nonjudgmental self-awareness. (Most of us really need to stress that nonjudgmental part!)

 

And the quicker the better.

 

Disasters, chaos, and uncertainty are the norm, while compassion and emotional calm, like stable weather, are in short supply. We can't help but get scared and stressed these days —and frequently — but we can help ourselves, each other, and the planet when we learn how to bring ourselves quickly back to our higher selves, and with minimal damage to our well-being or anyone else's.

Learning The Practice of Continually Returning to the Window of Tolerance

If there is one thing I would want to teach every person on the planet, it's about the Window of Tolerance and getting back into it. Because if we all knew about the Window of Tolerance, and treated it as the smaller, yet noble star we must always find before reaching our North Star (that truest, enlightened version of ourselves), then, oh what a happy planet of beings we would be!

 

I've written about the Window of Tolerance elsewhere, but honestly, I can't believe I haven't written about it more, seeing as it has become the wind in my sails, the honey to my inner bee, the Toto to my darling Dorothy Self (you get the point). Seriously. I don't even know how to live without it these days. Every disturbance to my inner chill has me resourcing myself back to my Window of Tolerance. And as a result, people actually comment on my peaceful presence, and I feel more grounded too. It's one of the basics of trauma work, but I think it's been ghettoized a bit by this association. It's really something we all should learn, since we all are continually adapting to conditions that cause stress and fear.

 

So here's what you need to know about WOT (the acronym for Window of Tolerance) and how to get back there:

  • From what I have been able to find out, the Window of Tolerance was first introduced by Dr. Dan Siegel, who in his book The Developing Mind stressed the importance of emotional regulation for mental health.
  • The best way to think about the WOT is as an emotional, physical, and social state we can inhabit where we feel capable, and able to attend to the task at hand, along with interacting meaningfully with others, while also attending to our own emotional states and needs.
  • The WOT has an upper limit, hyperarousal, and a lower limit, hypoarousal. Each of these extremes have their associated emotional, physical, and social states, just as the WOT does.
  • To live within the WOT requires knowing the signs that you are out of it — either hyperaroused or hypoaroused — and then knowing what to do to get yourself back within the WOT.
  • Getting back in the WOT is all about resourcing. Depending on your unique self and approach to living — e.g., your temperament, your attachment style, your go-to defenses, and other habitual propensities — you resource yourself either through your body, your thoughts, your emotions, or a combination of these.

Below is a handout I made that diagrams the WOT and shares resourcing tips. It includes the primary signs that you are either in the WOT, hyperaroused, or hypoaroused. It also shares some things you can do when you find yourself outside the WOT, as well as ways to widen your habitual WOT, and thus reduce the amount of stress you experience and react to.

 

Print it out! Post it to your Evernote account! Share it far and wide! The more of us who try to live within the Window Of Tolerance, the safer this world will feel and be.

 

Laura Kerr-Window Of Tolerance Handout

References

Herman, Judith. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. New York: BasicBooks.

 

Ogden, Pat, Minton, Kekuni, & Pain, Clare. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. New York: W. W. Norton & Co.

 

Siegel, Dan. (2015). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Second Ed. The Guilford Press.

 

© 2015 Laura K Kerr, PhD. All rights reserved (applies to writing and photography).

 

 

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Comments (16)

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OMG Tina  Thank Heaven you didn't get run over!

You're not crazy, you just tried too hard to help others when you physically could not.

Please, no matter what, never try to stop a car from rolling, we're just not strong enough for that.

You won't stop the car from rolling, you'll just injure or kill yourself.

Any others there would still get just as hurt, unfortunately

Please put on your oxygen mask before attempting to help others...

With infant trauma, sometimes we feel guilty to be alive and so we don't have adequate self preservation...

All of us here at ACEs need you --

Please take good care of our friend Tina!

Originally Posted by Tina Marie Hahn, MD:

Well I was actually wondering two things ---

 

In a more acute situation, would your exercise sheet be appropriate? 

Could I be crazy? I don't really feel like this was much of a big deal since everything turned out fine (or am I maybe just fooling myself?)

 

Not really sure. But I really like your handout (I like the calm - alert phase ---- holding the door, then hyperarousal (scream) then maybe kind of dissociation or hypoarousal (calling the Natiional Traffic Institute -- sort of derealization).  

 

Just wondering if an even more acute incident could be modeled after the handout?

 

If that makes any sense?  

 

 

 I certainly don't think you're crazy. But I wondered if you habitually block, or dissociate, fear. I thought this when you said you later had a startle response to your neighbor. It's also not unusual for people at the time of an overwhelming event not to register the intensity of their fear, especially if a quick response is needed.

 

With regards to the handout, I first introduced a version of it to emergency physicians I was lecturing to about burnout. As long as you are not in immediate danger, yes, it definitely can be helpful to resource yourself whenever you show signs of either hyperarousal or hypoarousal.

 

Well I was actually wondering two things ---

 

In a more acute situation, would your exercise sheet be appropriate? 

Could I be crazy? I don't really feel like this was much of a big deal since everything turned out fine (or am I maybe just fooling myself?)

 

Not really sure. But I really like your handout (I like the calm - alert phase ---- holding the door, then hyperarousal (scream) then maybe kind of dissociation or hypoarousal (calling the Natiional Traffic Institute -- sort of derealization).  

 

Just wondering if an even more acute incident could be modeled after the handout?

 

If that makes any sense?  

 

 

 

Originally Posted by Tina Marie Hahn, MD:

Interesting, 

 

I have no idea what my window of tolerance would be. I guess with a poisonous snake in the other corner there would be a little time to think. 

 

Yesterday I went to the grocery store.  I parked (or so I thought) on a slight hill.  I have a new car that I am not all that used to (a Toyota Rav4).  I got out of the car and with my bag in hand was getting ready to walk towards the store.  The car started rolling backwards.  I was like "Ohh my gosh 'I hope no one is behind the car especially kids'."   I grabbed the door and tried as hard as I could to keep it from rolling backwards.  I was't saying a word but I could tell my adrenalin had kicked in.  Then the car pulled me down under it while the top part of my body is still holding the door.  At that point I started screaming wildly for help.  

 

A BIG man in a HUGE truck stopped rather quickly and ran behind the car and he stopped it.  I got up from under the car with a severe case of road rash on my head, neck, arm and I was shaking terribly.  The man said "It's okay. Are you okay?  It almost rolled over your legs." 

 

I didn't know what to think except to quietly thank him.  I then tried to figure out what had happened.  This time I put on the parking brake, went into the store, got out my cell phone, went to the national transportation safety site, called to make a complaint.  It was 20 minutes and no answer.  I gave up and went online and submitted an online complaint because I was concerned and because I wasn't sure if there was something I should know about this car -- my previously one had been a Highlander with the accelerator problem.  

 

Then I decided I had had it for a bit, went home, went to sleep for 2 hours and did neurofeedback for 2 hours.  

 

Then I went outside with my dogs.  I was feeling a little shaky and wondering if my car was not trusty Betsy but was instead not so nice Christine????  A new fellow moved into the house next door yesterday and said as I was outside with the dogs, "Hi".  I almost jumped out of my skin.  He kind of snickered. I was kind of surprised at myself because I haven't had this kind of startle in some time.   

 

I have no idea what all that means but today overall except for a stiff neck, back and arms and severe road rash, I feel really happy.  My legs are fine.  

 

I guess it all depends on the situation.  

Tina, that's really scary. I know you are a doctor, but I hope you have someone check you over, or at least get a massage, if you would be comfortable with one. I'm so glad you weren't hurt more than you were. Take care, Laura

Originally Posted by Jane Stevens:

Oh, and my choice is to search for a Ritz-Carlton. No two ways about it. 

We share that southern background, and like you, I've stepped on snakes and scorpions too! I would have rather had a pony.

 

And I'm with you -- Ritz Carlton!

Interesting, 

 

I have no idea what my window of tolerance would be. I guess with a poisonous snake in the other corner there would be a little time to think. 

 

Yesterday I went to the grocery store.  I parked (or so I thought) on a slight hill.  I have a new car that I am not all that used to (a Toyota Rav4).  I got out of the car and with my bag in hand was getting ready to walk towards the store.  The car started rolling backwards.  I was like "Ohh my gosh 'I hope no one is behind the car especially kids'."   I grabbed the door and tried as hard as I could to keep it from rolling backwards.  I was't saying a word but I could tell my adrenalin had kicked in.  Then the car pulled me down under it while the top part of my body is still holding the door.  At that point I started screaming wildly for help.  

 

A BIG man in a HUGE truck stopped rather quickly and ran behind the car and he stopped it.  I got up from under the car with a severe case of road rash on my head, neck, arm and I was shaking terribly.  The man said "It's okay. Are you okay?  It almost rolled over your legs." 

 

I didn't know what to think except to quietly thank him.  I then tried to figure out what had happened.  This time I put on the parking brake, went into the store, got out my cell phone, went to the national transportation safety site, called to make a complaint.  It was 20 minutes and no answer.  I gave up and went online and submitted an online complaint because I was concerned and because I wasn't sure if there was something I should know about this car -- my previously one had been a Highlander with the accelerator problem.  

 

Then I decided I had had it for a bit, went home, went to sleep for 2 hours and did neurofeedback for 2 hours.  

 

Then I went outside with my dogs.  I was feeling a little shaky and wondering if my car was not trusty Betsy but was instead not so nice Christine????  A new fellow moved into the house next door yesterday and said as I was outside with the dogs, "Hi".  I almost jumped out of my skin.  He kind of snickered. I was kind of surprised at myself because I haven't had this kind of startle in some time.   

 

I have no idea what all that means but today overall except for a stiff neck, back and arms and severe road rash, I feel really happy.  My legs are fine.  

 

I guess it all depends on the situation.  

Last edited by Former Member

Laura -- This was captivating. Did you make up the story about the snake? Having slept in some very ratty back-road motels in my life, this seemed like a very real story.

And I was in tune with Kathy's analysis of what to do if you see a snake. Having run into so many poisonous snakes when I was growing up in the South, and even having stepped on one, I can attest that, unless a snake is striking or about to strike (which does automatically set off flight mode, one hopes), taking some short time to figure out how to avoid riling the snake is a mark of self-preservation.

 

Originally Posted by Kathy Brous:

Thanks for the laughs! 

 

The other night I watched a beautiful movie, Tracks, about Robyn Davidson, a young women who crossed the Australian desert, most of the time accompanied only by her dog and camels. I was stressed the entire movie, worrying about her getting attacked, by human or animal. I would love to take such an adventure, but my defenses would forever stand in the way. 

 

Anyway, I thought about that movie when reading your comment. Some of us are just destined to play it safe!

Dear Laura,

Thank you for your compassion. The moment I posted my comment I realized that it illustrates another foible of my developmental infant trauma: my corpus callosum didn't develop well, so I'm either all in my right brain emoting like a baby as I did at a Beethoven concert last Saturday night (see email I sent you) -- or I'm all in my left brain hyper-thinking and over-planning to the nth detail, as I just did in my comment on your blog above!  

 

Another reason I'm considering neurofeedback: it's supposed to help the above problem.

On snakes, I mentioned your scenario to a friend who happened to call and happens to be a backpacking expert -- who said: "Correct. Snakes just defend their territory, they won't climb up on the bed -- so you could safely call for help calmly.  But if the motel isn't trustworthy, main thing is: don't move any closer to the snake, even if that means you can't fetch your cat.  If the snake isn't between you and the door, you could calmly exit, leaving the door calmly open, & the cat likely will follow.

 

And here are some jokes for today:

-- My Kitty needs therapy; why wasn't it on the bed doing Porges' mammalian attachment with me?

-- I could have not taken those back roads in that weather but either found a good hotel near the freeway or backtracked altogether to another freeway. Taking those back roads at night wasn't physically safe for a woman alone -- and it would have been needlessly unpleasant for a man alone; mammals aren't built for that degree of threat.

--I shouldn't have panicked that backtracking would make me late for my job interview in Sarasota. I could just tell them the roads were washed out!  I need to value my safety at least that much.

-- If I'm moving from LA to Sarasota, I probably need therapy anyway, who in their right might would do that?  (remember these are all jokes....)

Kathy, thank you for sharing your personal ways for staying in the Window of Tolerance. I personally don't use tapping, but I have heard its a wonderful resource. I also really enjoyed your analysis of the snake situation and what you think would be the best solution.

 

So, with regards to the correct solution... well, I don't think there is just one! We're all so different, with both unique talents as well as limitations. I know some snake handlers, and I'm sure they would have a different reaction than I would have. I also think of someone with limited mobility, who would need help with such a situation, even if the impulse to run was activated. Also, in life-threatening situations, we often react without thinking.

 

But if we can become comfortable with all the possible defense responses, along with choosing a life geared towards emotional regulation, we can increase our options as well as the possibility of being less reactive when we find ourselves in a jam. 

 

Thanks for your musings!

Thank you, Laura, amazing post. 

I know your overall point was about Dan Siegel's WOT and self-examination.

And here are my tools for staying in the WOT, especially when alone at night, lead by tapping and EMDR:

http://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/tools/

But I can't help asking what you think we should have done! 

Sorry for my curiosity...

The answers you gave to "afterward, now what" correspond pretty well with what I've learned to do in Recovery: Call a friend before it gets too late, then go jogging to release the fight-flight stress chemicals (which will be there). If still antsy when I do get into bed, tap for 10 minutes which puts me to sleep.

Although -- unless it was truly a life-threatening storm or no lodging for hours nearby -- I might have first slowly switched motels. With Kitty, naturally.

But you didn't tell us the "sane" thing to do about the initial discovery of the snake. 

Because you want us to figure that out based on breaking our own individual patterns.

However, isn't there a "best" "sane thing to do"? 

Looks like you're for option 3:  If snakes are just defending their space, and they're not "after" you, then don't threaten them by moving?  But do remain very calm so the animal doesn't sense fear and pounce. Don't move, and call for help.

On the other hand, sometimes with snarling dogs the thing to do is ignore them.  "Ignore" seems key because it re-assures them that you're really not interested in bugging them. Thus freezing in place is not the best. Better to just keep walking slowly & calmly until you're "out of area."  They're just defending their space. So leave it. Slowly and very calmly.

Problem is:  A. I don't know how to handle snakes, and B. If the motel is that ratty, how reliable are the people to C. come soon and D. do the right thing on arrival? 

My left brain knows it's ignorant about snakes, so it's wondering if it might not be better to very slowly depart and go physically for help, knowing that I can't save Kitty by getting myself bitten. "Put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to assist your child."

Last edited by Kathy Brous
Originally Posted by Robert Olcott:

Thank You for posting this Laura. It makes a lot of some of my bewilderment, more understandable, now.

 

Terrific! I will be making another version too, that I hope will be even more helpful. 

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