Is it a Parenting with ACEs Thing or Just a Parent Thing? Why Is It So Hard to Just Stop?

Your writing brings such a bounty of relief. I love the way you offer up questions with open curiosity and non-judgement.

Oh Heather: 
That is so kind and warm and makes me feel so good. It's EXACTLY why I write and often precisely why I read, to feel that. So, for you to feel a "bounty of relief" is wonderful because sometimes it's hard to know if others feel similar or these are thoughts/feelings and experiences to be left in a journal. 

But, as you said, that's part of what makes Parenting with ACEs so lonely. We do think we're the only ones or it's too much on some level. 

You wrote:

"Slowing down, creating genuine space for personal vulnerability and self-care. Unapologetically. This is so not easy.

My life is more full and peaceful than it has ever been, and yet, it takes very little for me to suddenly be racing; appearing calm and methodical on the outside, while on the inside, I am running a non-stop marathon, accessing and examining what I can do better, while trying to sift through what I also do not want to do."

YES!!!!!!!!!! I wonder how many relate to that?

It often feels wrong or like going in reverse to just stop. I literally have to practice, to coach myself but it often is a craving but more like something I know I should do. 

This is so great.

You wrote:

"Translate this to parenthood. I can see how inadvertently, I have taught my kids to be 'on alert,' even in their 'down time,' in their unconscious space, not because of any out-right acts, but because of my own struggle with self-care from the inside out."

Thank you for sharing and for being honest. I think this is part of what the epigenetics is all about, the way we do pass on (via nature and nurture) our stress experiences and responses to some extent.

How much of this do you share with your own kids? I've just started to use some language now that my daughter is 14 so she at least has some context for my buzzing energy which can be like an amped up motor, especially at high stress because I don't want her to think it's ideal or that stopping isn't a good thing when it is and I just have difficulty doing it.

YOUR comment was wonderful. I'm glad it spoke to you and we could share. If we feel this way, you know others do as well. And for a long time, this was just unconscious and the way I was and I didn't even think I had a choice or that slowing down was a good idea. I thought it was "good" how productive i could be and how much like a non-stop robot I could be.

I don't think that will help me live longer any more or live any better. Or help me parent. But it's still a challenge and takes conscious effort.

And this that you wrote:

"I get to practice 'to stop, rest and be' because I am in a place where it is possible to now. There was a time it wasn't possible, because I hadn't 'arrived' to a place of owning I was valuable to myself. To my kids, of course I was, they depended on me, but to myself? What did that even mean? To be of self-value. This isn't selfish. It is a practice. As an ACE's parent, it is both a practice and a demonstration. Every single day. "

Yes. And I'm with you. I wouldn't have even know what the heck that meant for most of my life. So THANK YOU for sharing and for being a parent of the Parenting with ACE's blog and sharing you, your experiences, insights and in this amazing community.

I will hug you right back!
Cissy

I'm SO grateful for this fantastic community and that we can speak to and about these issues. 

Warmly,

Cissy

Your writing brings such a bounty of relief. I love the way you offer up questions with open curiosity and non-judgement.

Parenting with high ACE's I find can be very lonely. Sharing even the smallest thing can feel too revealing or like taking up too much of another persons time.

Re 'how to stop, rest and be'. This is enormous. It is something I personally struggle with regardless that my children are older. I struggle with this equally as a parent, as a woman in a relationship, and as an individual with just myself.

Slowing down, creating genuine space for personal vulnerability and self-care. Unapologetically. This is so not easy.

My life is more full and peaceful than it has ever been, and yet, it takes very little for me to suddenly be racing; appearing calm and methodical on the outside, while on the inside, I am running a non-stop marathon, accessing and examining what I can do better, while trying to sift through what I also do not want to do. Maybe this is the piece that makes it harder for ACE's? Because the models are missing, there isn't a natural 'solid' regulatory place to pull from that gives permission to 'rest.' 

How to not always be looking for what needs attention, for what I have missed, or for that 'something' I can do in order to lower/prevent the chances of 'chaos and disruption' from possibly happening. It isn't always logical, but the pattern served an important purpose, and thus, letting it go, is like cutting the body belay. 

When I was growing up, to sit still, meant two things, either I was trying to avoid attention, or, it meant I wasn't paying attention. Whichever action, some important piece of protection, information and connection would be lost if I wasn't 'moving,' physically or emotionally. 

Translate this to parenthood. I can see how inadvertently, I have taught my kids to be 'on alert,' even in their 'down time,' in their unconscious space, not because of any out-right acts, but because of my own struggle with self-care from the inside out. The experience of what this might be like, to have a parent, who can appear calm on the outside, but who isn't on the inside and understanding it doesn't have to be an 'ugly' situation to still have impact. That it can and does -look like me. 

I once was told that to be a good mother, I just had to be 'good enough,' not great, or perfect, simply 'good enough.' The person was trying to be caring and helpful, and it sent me into a tailspin. The confusion for me was, I didn't know what 'good enough' meant. What is the definition of 'good enough?' Who decides? How does one apply that to someone who is on their own in parenthood? Surely, my definition of 'good enough' would somehow be inferior and lacking?

In reading your post, I do think aspects of parenthood are universal. I also think, those with high ACE's are constantly in practice toward recognizing we have the tools accessible should we need to pay attention, and, those same tools look very different in re to healthy self-care practices. Does that make sense? Identifying this difference, and naming the practice.

I get to practice 'to stop, rest and be' because I am in a place where it is possible to now. There was a time it wasn't possible, because I hadn't 'arrived' to a place of owning I was valuable to myself. To my kids, of course I was, they depended on me, but to myself? What did that even mean? To be of self-value. This isn't selfish. It is a practice. As an ACE's parent, it is both a practice and a demonstration. Every single day. 

Another reason this Parenting with ACE's blog is invaluable. A heartfelt thank you. Thank you for reminding me I am valuable. (I just want to reach out and hug you!)

Thank you for this Cissy. When I was a teenager I read that I could indeed have the parent-child relationship I had always wanted; it’s just that I would be on the parent side, not the child side. I thought this was such a beautiful idea, and it buoyed me with hope.

Fast forward a couple decades and I am happy to say that I have had the close and loving relationship with my three children that I had always wanted to have with my own parents. That said, the parenting roller-coaster has been fraught with anxiety as I have often felt the weight of the world on my shoulders—as though one false move on my part would sabotage my children’s well-being forever. Of course this is silly, but as a parent with a high ACE score, these doomsday thought patterns are stubborn creatures!

So thank you again for this post. Raising kids is a monumental job for anyone. But we all need to be aware if and how our own ACEs inform our parenting, and, if so, what we can do about it.