Yesterday I stopped to take a picture of a sign marking the site of the most active slave market in the south. The sign stands on the corner of Royal St. and St. Louis St. in the old historic district of Mobile, Alabama. When I got back to the Quality Inn where I’m staying, I found out that Maya Angelou had passed away. This essay is dedicated to her.
Maya Angelou has taught me through her work, life and writings that one must never be afraid to write one's truth. Reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings was a lesson in courage, but most importantly it was a gift. By sharing with the world the harrowing experience of her sexual abuse and rape at the age of eight, and its impact on her life, she’s helped open the doors to healing. By letting us experience her sense of herself as that of a bird struggling to escape its cage, she has taught us powerful lessons about resisting racist oppression.
Dr. Angelou forced us to look at truths, truths that we continue to struggle with. Truths that we have an obligation to face, confront, and share with others. By doing so, we can together arrive at common shared solutions that enhance the lives of all those that live in our communities.
Toward the beginning of this journey, I stayed in a town located right on the California/Arizona border. There I met a young woman named Stephanie and we chatted as I filled out the registration form for the motel where Stephanie was checking me in. I introduced myself and told her about my journey and why I was doing what I was doing. Her response was: “I could tell you some stories. In fact I’m writing a book.” I asked, “Would you be willing to share your story with me?” Stephanie hesitated, said she was busy, but maybe when she took her break, she could see if maybe then we could talk. I thanked her, asked when her break was, and told her I’d be back then.
At her appointed break time, I went back to the office and found her still working. She told me things where slow and she could talk with me if I still was interested and so we began. Stephanie’s story, her truth, is one of a childhood similar to Dr. Angelou’s. Sadly, tragically, a story and truth shared by many children in our communities.
Stephanie was six years old when she was introduced to her stepfather for the first time. “He swatted me the first day I met him because I didn’t say hello to him and he said it was disrespectful. I was six and had never been hit before. My mom would never. My mom was the type of mom who would take us roller skating, even though she worked two jobs. She always found time to do something with us, until she met him. It was drastic the way she changed. We went from number one to number last. Like I said, my mom worked two jobs, so he became our babysitter. My job was get the girls in the bath because you know we got school tomorrow. I loved helping my mom out in that way. It was my job, but next thing you know he thinks he can come in and do that, and it escalated that way.
She said that from that point on, from the age of six to sixteen, he repeatedly sexually molested and raped her and her sister who was two years younger. “A kid knows when it’s wrong, but they don’t know all the time how to speak out and say it’s wrong. At that time I didn’t know how. I was taught that it was wrong by my mom, but when it was happening to me I thought, 'Oh my god how do I say something?' I was scared and ashamed”
At this point in our conversation her third and youngest sister, now in her 20’s, walked in with her beautiful 13-month-old baby boy. They had come by for a visit. She spoke to her sister about what we where doing and I asked her if we should continue at a later time. She said, “No, my sister’s my best friend and has experienced it herself. She never let him do anything sexual to her, but he abused her physically and mentally."
To which her sister said, “My sisters taught me how to defend myself.”
“Yeah she was a fighter.”
“Yeah I was physically actually a fighter.”
“She took a chunk out his mouth,” said Stephanie.
And so we continued right where we left off. Stephanie said that once her stepfather started, there was never again a safe moment for her in her life. Said that everyday from that point forward she lived her life in fear, she wished he would die on the way home, she prayed hard, and even had a hatred towards God because she couldn’t understand why God would let this happen. "Once we heard his truck coming down the road, we didn’t know what to do. Never knew what was going to happen, depending on his attitude when he got home," Stephanie said.
"Why did no one get involved?" I asked.
They both said that no one knew and that they were afraid to tell anyone.
“He owned his own business in town and was a well known person. Behind closed doors a person can be totally different and that’s what he was”, said Stephanie. "When he was out there working, he was super family guy, super dad, whatever you want to call him. Later down the line when he was arrested, no one could believe it. It happened when I turned sixteen. I spoke to someone in social services. They came in, investigated and told my mom she had a week to get us out of the house or they would take us from her. So she did reluctantly move us, blaming me for everything because he was arrested. He’s now in prison."
Stephanie went on to describe the impact of the abuse on her life. It was a path followed by countless souls who are abused, one we know all too well, but have yet to figure out how to put an end to. As Dr. Vincent Felitti, one of the co-founders of the CDC's ACE Study, says, “We see people's problems, when what we are really seeing is their solutions.”
She began with methamphetamine when she was 12 years old; by the time she was 15, she had graduated to heroin. A year later she became pregnant and was addicted when her son was born. Her son is now 10. She also has a three-year-old daughter. Both were born addicted as a result of her addiction. Both children are now living with caring and, according to Stephanie, loving family members.
Distracted by the beautiful interaction that her sister was having with her little baby, I asked Stephanie how one can teach others to not do what was done to her. Stephanie said, “Everybody has a story, and until you figure out or they figure out what it is, that makes them the way that they are, and they learn that to be sincere, loving, giving, and caring is the way to be. Because if you are that way, it really comes back to you, then there is no changing anybody. I was really a cold, cold person because of what happened to me. I’d say whatever to get whatever. I was dead inside, but now to have the trust to run this place, to be able to go to school and tell my story, to ask kids if they had one wish what would it be? To see them open up to you, it’s awesome. It’s awesome to know that things that you do and say can really have an effect, whether it’s good or bad on people, you know. Yeah, things that you do and say. You know, I saw a lot of counselors, you know what I mean, but there was one counselor I met at a rehab, her name was Christine. She was one of those people who you know cares, made me feel that she really cares. Christine said something that really got through to me, really hit home. I said, 'I would die for my kids,' is what I told her. She said, 'Why would you want to die for your kids when you can start living for your kids?You know that's what they want. They don't want you to die, to be gone! They want you to live, so why not start living?'"
Stephanie is 12 months sober and drug-free. She said that she's reconnected with God, and through her church she's found the strength within herself to go to different schools and talk to kids and let them know that what happened to her shouldn’t be happening. To tell them that if it is happening to them, that they should not be afraid or ashamed to tell someone. To tell them that there are people who care and that they are not alone.
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