It’s not always going to be like this. I hope that’s true. Some morning I wake up and have to remind myself to be grateful and have gratitude for the fact that maybe one day I won’t have to do the work anymore. There is something so burdensome about having to fix all of the issues that other people caused. I constantly think about the fact that there is nothing that I can do about the past. In one way, this understanding inspires me to continue to move forward no matter what, and the other is that it pisses me off — both of which I use as coal in the train of this cptsd healing journey.
What do we do with this understanding that we can’t change the past, yet we face the daunting task of pushing Atlas’s stone? We move forward. To be clear, moving forward is not getting over it, and in fact, anyone who says such heinous things should be tarred and feathered in the public square.
I don’t think I’ll ever have a moment when I am over my mother cutting off my finger, my step-father beating me in the middle of the night, racists grandparents, or being molested, a lot for a ten-year-old boy. But, I will move on because I have made a conscious decision to do so despite the God-like perseverance that it takes to stay on the path. Why? In part because fuck, what else do you do? But mainly because of the anger that I carry, that little chip on my shoulder drives me to live a life that not only breaks the cycle in my family but in the world. Some may balk at the idea of anger being a good thing, but I believe that can only be determined by usage.
We all need a catalyst that is our driver as I have come to find that motivation, inspiration, and discipline have only taken me so far in healing trauma. I think that you need all three traits to solidify the idea that change is possible, to begin with, but it is in having a mission greater than ourselves that pushes us even further. The question that I often find myself asking is not why but rather — for who?
Until next time my friend…
Be Unbroken,
-Michael
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