Trauma is never an easy thing to deal with. Sometimes, it can be so painful that we try to avoid it or numb ourselves to the whole situation completely. Personally, I was lacking the emotional intelligence needed to deal with my trauma. My inability to deal with my issues led me down a path of denial, self-destruction, and increasingly difficult pain.
Denial and Oblivion
When I was 12 years old, I was raped at a 4th of July party. I entered that party with my innocence intact, but when I left my world had been completely shattered. My life was changed forever after a stranger decided to steal my self-worth, my sense of security, and my trust in others. I did not know how to process what happened to me because I was too terrified and jaded to confide in anyone, so I unconsciously made the decision to completely deny that I had been raped.
Instead, I took to telling people that the sex I had was consensual. I thought that if everyone else believed I had wanted to have sex, that eventually I would start believing it as well. Sometimes I was able to actually believe it, but most of the time all I could think about was how that man violated me. Vivid memories still flashed in my mind constantly; the false sense of power that he proudly wore on his face, how helpless and empty I felt, the ways I tried to disassociate in order to distract myself until it was over. My flashbacks led me to seek out other ways to aid myself in denying my trauma.
I found that using substances, like drugs or alcohol, would help me ignore the emotions and thoughts that still lingered in my mind from that night- at least temporarily. I began to obsess over making sure I always had some sort of drug in my system at all times. Eventually, everything that I once found enjoyment in became a burden. I needed to focus on obtaining and taking drugs 24/7 in order to avoid dealing with the after-effects of my sexual assault.
With the loss of my self-worth, I began seeking out validation from anywhere I could find it. I ended up getting into an abusive relationship that I told myself I deserved. I viewed myself as worthless, so dealing with verbal and physical abuse seemed like the only way I would ever find “love”. My whole perception of love was tainted because I never allowed myself to recover from my trauma. Being in an abusive relationship that was fueled by drugs and constant fear ended up bringing me to a place of extreme desperation. I tried to overdose on drugs, in an attempt to end my life.
Recovery
Thankfully, my suicide attempt was unsuccessful. My mom finally saw what was going on with me and sent me to a drug and alcohol treatment center, where I began my journey towards recovery. I started to acknowledge my trauma and found that there was power in speaking the truth. Once I allowed myself to recognize that what happened to me was rape and was not my fault, I began to feel a little better day by day.
Going through trauma therapy taught me to practice radical acceptance, which allowed me to come to the realization that pain is inevitable but suffering from it is optional. I had been living in pain for years; I went down a path of total self-destruction by not dealing with my trauma in a healthy manner. As soon as I accepted reality, I began to love myself again. My need to use drugs was lifted, my PTSD began to soften, and my self-worth was being built back up. I began to find happiness for the first time in a long time and started to get to know myself, probably for the first time ever.
I found purpose in my trauma. Today, my experiences allow me to help other men and women who are suffering from similar issues. As a direct result, helping others aids me to feel like my pain happened for a reason. My identity is no longer that of a victim, but of a survivor. My past does not define me, only the present does. I have survived sexual assault, drug addiction, and a suicide attempt for a reason; and for that I am grateful. That is why I do everything in my power to give back by helping the next person, remaining an open book, and speaking up about topics that others may find difficult to talk about.
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