Why is it addicts | alcoholics lie, cheat and steal from those they love the most? How can a mom or dad pick up a drink or drug, after years of sobriety, "knowing" what it was like for their child when they were active in their addiction? How does one help a child who is living with familial alcohol abuse or drug addiction somehow thrive in spite of the trauma?
These and similar questions are consistently asked of me; the answers to which I include as part of my lectures and consulting sessions, regardless of the target audience. I say, “regardless of the target audience,” because childhood trauma - such as that experienced by a child growing up with untreated parental alcoholism, drug addiction or substance abuse - changes a child's brain circuitry, thus most of my audiences/clients need to understand this.
The trauma activates the brain's fight-or-flight stress response system. When chronically activated, the toxic stress changes how that child's brain wires, which is what sets up childhood trauma as one of the five key risk factors for developing addiction or a substance abuse problem and thus perpetrating the cycle. These three resources expand on the research behind the roll of childhood toxic stress and brain development/circuitry: Toxic Stress Derails Healthy Development (Harvard University Center on the Developing Child); Understanding the Effects of Maltreatment on Brain Development (Child Welfare Information Gateway, Children’s Bureau/ACYF) and Childhood Maltreatment Can Leave Scars in the Brain (Health News from NPR).
Because of the role unanswered questions like those initially raised play in forming the basis of childhood trauma for children living with substance abuse or addiction, it is so important we become versed in answering the questions. To do that, we need to be versed in understanding, “How could _________?,” ourselves so that we can share the answers in a way a child can "hear" them. And not only must we be versed in answering these types of questions, but we need to get really good at adapting our elementary school education messages to include simplified brain science - what changes the brain, what heals it, what protects it. We need to get so good at answering these sorts of questions so that we slip them in between, "what would you like for lunch" and "how was your day," when the timing of opportunities to enlighten without being asked present themselves.
This is so important because the neural network wiring a child needs to differentiate between another person's behaviors and their (the child's) own behaviors does not even start developing until around age 16. As a result, the child interprets the behaviors of their parents who are active in their addiction and/or drug or alcohol misuse as reflective of them (the child) - that somehow something they've done or said or not done or said is the cause of their parent's behaviors. Complicating this further is the equally cofounding behaviors of the non-substance abusing/addicted parent – the parent experiencing secondhand drinking | secondhand drugging. That child's self-worth, learning capabilities, coping skills - everything they think, feel, say and do - is at the mercy of their parent's brain so deeply compromised by drugs, alcohol and/or the disease of addiction. It's little wonder childhood trauma is one of the five key risk factors contributing to a child developing addiction or a substance abuse problem.
Understanding the brain, brain development, addiction and addiction relapse in a kid-friendly way can help us help children differentiate. This in turn can help them give their brains a break, which in turn, gives them a chance to counter toxic stress with the protective mechanisms that are possible with a healthy brain and brain-health protecting coping skills, of which there are some wonderful options nowadays.
So back to the opening questions… I'm sharing a the link to a post I wrote following Philip Seymour Hoffman's death of an apparent heroin overdose, titled, 5 Reasons People Relapse After Years of Sobriety. I'm sure we'd all agree that the wonderful, compassionate, loving man and father that those who knew him proclaim him to be would NEVER have intentionally traumatized his children by willfully relapsing.
So what is it then?
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