Hi I'm Donna

Donna Woodard 11/12/136:00 PM

I am studying Becky Bailey's "Conscious Discipline." It seems to be the best technique for guiding young children toward self-regulation. Dr. Bailey is a guru in the child-care industry but I find so few caregivers who can execute or implement the techniques. This is not our natural/instinctive way of handling behavior.

The book I started with is "Managing Emotional Mayhem." You might think you will be learning to manage children's behavior. But, in fact, you learn to manage your own. That is the logical starting point, isn't it?

I am practicing, practicing, practicing the techniques. I seem to be doing fine right up to the point my fiercely angry (because he has to sit in his car seat) three-year-old throws down the gauntlet, growls, and spits at me. But, I considered it a success that I took the deep breaths, kept trying to relax and got into my own feelings. I am still emotionally drained from the encounter. But, I don't feel bad about how I handled the situation because I did not use threats or power plays. I did use the minimum amount of force to buckle him in...then ran to the drivers seat and started my deep breaths.

I really think we need a 12-step program for parenting/disciplining. Would step one be to admit our addiction to poor practices? Aren't we always just on the edge of reverting to our old habits...no matter what those habits are? In all seriousness, we do need support groups for teachers/caregivers to encourage each other.

Hi, I'm Donna and I'm a spanker/yeller/threatener...

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Louise GodboldMember

Dear Donna:

It is so scary when we realize that we have the potential to become parents who use violence (physical or emotional) and manipulation. We've all been there! Our parenting program at Echo Parenting & Education does just what you suggest - provides classes and support groups for caregivers (whether parents, teachers, childcare workers or other professionals). Are you in the LA area? If so, we can hook you up with our community of nonviolent parents. We use the term 'nonviolent' parenting because nonviolence respects the dignity and life force of each living thing, including the pint-sized versions of ourselves! It is also about choosing a way of communication which focuses on understanding feelings and needs, and not getting the other person to do what we want!

I am the Co-Interim Executive Director, but also someone who has raised a son and I know how hard it is. You seem to be doing all the right things, giving yourself empathy, regulating yourself, understanding that you need support... and congratulations, it sounds as if your son made it into the car seat without all those poor practices you were tempted to use. However, it's no good just having the theory, as you know: Until we examine how we were raised and work through some of the fear and hurt that we experienced we will continue to be triggered into becoming the parent we swore we would never be (or the theory admonishes us not to become). In our classes we look at our own childhood legacies so that we can begin to understand those times we feel out of control and fear that we will become a spanker/yeller/threatener.

Thanks for sharing and hang on in there! Let me know if we can be of help.

Louise

Take a look at our website: www.echoparenting.org

11/19/135:17 PM

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