Healing Tools for ACEs & Trauma

Tina,

     Congratulations, on Progress ("Recovery is a Non-Linear Process."). I'll look forward to your elaborated version. ---Bob

 

These posts on this "thread" are "Gold Mines". Thank You Jane S., Thank You Kathy B., and Thank You Dr. Tina. I got an e-mail from someone today-who I'd had an "intense argument" with at our Peer Support Center last week, and we had resolved it then...and when I offered a handshake in mutual forgiveness, she insisted on a hug which somehow was preceded by a spontaneous mutually acceptable brief kiss on the lips,...but the article she e-mailed discussed how being "too Masculine" and not enough "Human" is supposed to deter men from weeping-which I had been doing a lot of during the Memorial Day Parade. Fire Truck and Police Sirens somehow remind me that someone[s] Cares....(or trigger me) .... And expressing our humanity (rather than masculinity)...

 

Okay so now I am on my computer and my crazy dogs, a part of this personal anecdote, are an important part of this story. 

 

So, 

 

As many of you on ACEs... I have been horribly hurt by people.  I want no part of fur even if it is the only way to heal.  Fur is scary and this to me is part of the reason why...

 

When I was 7 or 8, I was with my dad in the Pinto in Bay City, Michigan. Bay City is about an hour away from my trailer.  I generally never asked my dad for anything because he was incredibly mean, however on this particular winter occasion, I had a cold or something.  My dad was a cigarette smoker and smoked in the car with us kids inside.  On this winter day, as he is smoking, I all of the sudden cannot breath.  I am scared to death but I cannot breath. I timidly ask him "Dad (I would rather call him Leo or our dad because I absolutely hated this monster but those names would not have worked, so I called him "Dad") could you please stop smoking? I cannot breathe.  His response "If you don't like it, I can drop you off her right now and you can walk home!" A very typical response from Leo.  I, however, was very serious.  I don't know how I managed to escape with my life in that small car in the winter for an hour as he puffed away while I was close to respiratory arrest... but I never forgot that or his insensitivity.  From that time forward, I could not ask for anything reasonable - I am 47 years old but could not ask for something reasonable to save my life. 

 

NOW THIS IS THE NON-COMPLIENT PATIENT PART. It is a little embarrassing to me, but it is my truth.  Please everyone follow instructions if you decide to do this. It is better and if you are afraid of people like me and try to fix everything on your own... well I understand, but not the best approach with this technology.  

 

So Kathy's warning stands "Don't Try This At Home - without consulting your coach when you hit a hiccup.   I am a bad patient.  I admit my faults. I dislike doctors though I am one.  My neurofeedback machine stopped working properly.  You are supposed to after each session rate your goals and answer a series of questions.   I had not been doing that because my cursor wasn't working properly.   Whenever I wanted to rate a goal as to better or worse, the cursor would move to 100 percent worse, so I stopped trying to rate.  I thought I had hurt the machine (which I think is why I didn't ask for assistance - I wasn't able until I did more work).   You use salt water on sponges with the scalp electrode inside to make the brain wave connection and I thought I must have broke the machine with a wet sponge.  Well, I hadn't broke the machine. The program needed an update.  It was updated Friday.  I reviewed the protocol with my home neurofeedback coach and she told me STOP trying to do things on your own... NOT A GOOD IDEA... nope not a good idea. I was improving for sure but not like I could or would or will. These things need to settle in your brain.  I had stopped the training for 2-3 weeks so I was basically at a new baseline. I promised to follow the directions not like a terrible patient and did so over the weekend.  Boy did my brain move with the new protocols.  

 

Today as I was doing my session with directed protocols to the letter--- I came to the above epiphany... 

 

Now that text may seem like a no-brainer. But for me, tremendously hurt for years starting at a young age --- to consider in the middle of today's session that I could ask for reasonable help, made me start to weep.  I have to say, I probably will no longer respond immediately to such epiphanies as I want to be reflective going forward - and I believe for the first time in my life I am also very capable of such.  An amazing plus of the neurofeedback I have been doing.

 

Wow, I have experienced an amazing movement of my brain that I don't think could have occurred any other way.  I may even be able to move to where "fur" is okay.  So thanks ya'all. 

 

(Oh and as I had this epiphany - my dogs ate my dinner and I didn't get mad - progress).  

Hooray!

I can't wait to hear more about how you're leveraging BrainPaint!

Kathy

Congratulations, Tina!!  That's a big one!!  Not wierd....wonderful!

I'm sending you this cause it is important and weird!
This is absolutely crazy but Neurofeedback must be helping me. I was scared to take the girls to the vet because the office is on a main highway. The girls jump out of the car as quick as a door is opened. I had been afraid one of the girls would jump out and get hit by a car. I have to put them in the back of the RAV4 when I'm driving or I have a 60 and 45 lb dog in my lap. This was something I just couldn't figure out cause the back had an auto liftgate that I cannot control. This is so stupid but the first time in my life I thought, I could go inside and have a front office staff person help me so they wouldn't jump out and get hurt. This sounds so stupid but it isn't it means for the first time in my life I considered asking another for reasonable help! That means believing people are to help each other and can be approached for help. First step in trust. Wierd!!!


Okay this is pasted from a text I sent to my home Neurofeedback coach from my iPhone. Now I am going to my Mac to elaborate where I can type better!

I should probably stay out of this but all I want to say is that sometimes when we feel very strongly about something, we will react. Some maybe more than others (I react particularly strongly - though I am getting better).  I believe for many of us hugely traumatized especially without any real attachment to help us develop social skills or affect regulation -- a part of the social healing is sometimes having a reaction, and being able to do that but then sit back and observe.  Maybe even discuss how others observed or perceived the reaction. I never got this training, so for me this can be a particularly difficult process and if I am not allowed to ask - how was that perceived? I cannot learn anything and have to keep guessing (usually I am harder on my responses than the way others perceived me) but this is really stressful and a part of my fear of getting out around others - because I am out, say something - someone gets a funny look on their face and because the standard is not to be able to ask questions about how did you perceive that? This is what happens to me -- did I screw up, am I am screw up and on and on which makes me want to have a drink and escape the situation.  I'd like this circular process to end for me and anyone else who finds this occurring.

 

I never want those of us from a shame-based origin to feel shame as I feel shame is a corrosive and toxic emotion.  

 

Now remorse is not shame ---- but I just want you to know Kathy. I know you were fine in your response and all of us who understand trauma reactions in no way felt anything negative (though I should not speak for others).  I think you were just fine. Remorse okay -- shame hurts us at least feeling shame hurts me.  

 

I hope it is okay if I say that.  I liked you ode to your cat cat too (though I am really more of a dog person). 

What a beautiful tribute to your cat, Kathy. I understand how you feel, as some of my closest relationships have been with my cats!

Thanks for sharing the link.

Cheers, Jane

 

I know of a mutual acquaintance who tested the validity of his unworthiness when he joined Toastmasters. Their by-laws used to require applicants for membership to "be of good moral character", and everyone in the club he attended know he'd been in prison [as a youthful offender-no criminal record]. One club member was on the [International] Board of Directors, and made a motion at an International board meeting to remove that clause from the membership requirements. Someone asked him why. He replied: "Because I don't know anyone of Good moral character." They changed their by-law, and the person applied for membership in that club, and was accepted unanimously, When he gave his first prepared speech, from the lecturn--he realized forty people were all making eye-contact with him. Then he went to a church on a Sunday....., after a visit during a youth meeting there on a Friday ......

I have also been taking others suggestions or at least listening and then making I think more informed decisions based on information from others. To me this is the start of trying to connect.  Also though I generally don't do Facebook much, I have been posting on Facebook (usually the kinds of stuff I post on ACEs) but then I will see people I know. Before, I would be afraid to send a friend request -- I would be too afraid --- I'm a bad person, that person wouldn't want to be my friend, I won't bother, but I have been taking chances, sending friend requests and guess what - people have been accepting.  I just find this totally weird for me.  I am starting to feel more like a competent instead of "out of control inside". I don't look out of control outside but what I mean by that is that strange anxiety that one feels when you feel like you don't belong, like you are an alien to a foreign species.  I guess I am kind of feeling like I too am human, if that makes any sense. 

Hi Tina

I am so happy for you! 

I'm sort of back online but going out of town again tomorrow til Monday...

Please feel free to just keep posting, anyway I don't want to chime in to interrupt what you're writing, it's all so great what you're writing.

I can't wait to see what you've posted when I get back on Monday....

I feel like I am better able to sit back, take in others point of view, back off from feeling like I have to do everything myself. I really feel this is great.  I also contribute it to the neuro-feedback.   I still haven't been going out yet.  That will be a tough hurdle for me as attachment is a huge issue but I feel like I could do well and have a great interactive conversation without feeling strange and out of place inside.  This is all awesome to me. And I am feeling like moving into other areas of healing like meditation which I am not good at because of a "way too busy mind that is always quadruple tasking".  I actually sat down and did about 15 minutes of sitting meditation yesterday and that was good.  So I think all in all this has been a very positive process for me.   

I haven't had anymore of those really emotional spells during the alpha-theta, but my dreams have been more colorful actually last night I had the first dream in color and it was sad but more positive.  Usually my dreams have always about big mean things trying to kill me.  So that is great too.  Anyway still at the meeting. 

Hi Kathy, 

 

I see you are on-line. Pretty soon I have to go to work on our "trauma informed school presentation".  

 

However a quick update. You kind of need to give the neuro-feedback some time to settle into your brain into new patterns.  First you can see, I am not posting as much.  I just don't feel the need to reflectively respond to everything generally. I think that is progress.  I have been able to work through my anxiety and though it seems strange, send the emails and make the telephone calls that I need to make but generally procrastinate on. I have been cleaning and organizing. Usually I am so disorganized I am not too good at this.  I am less reactive. I am certain of it.  When talking to others and they say something that would generally trigger me - I might still become triggered but there is more of a second or two to contemplate first.  I stopped doing several hours per day though. I think that was making it very confusing for me to determine which protocol I was using was helping (thought I think generally it has all been effective) but I like the generally stabilizing non-linear protocol to do first. I have done several more sessions of the alpha - theta. That is the type that has the capability to take you into the deep meditative state.  Well our meeting is starting so I gotta go. Will put some more on in a bit. Tina. 

I posted an inquiry on my high school Classmates page, asking if anyone had my grandfather for a teacher, before I was a student there. Knowing my grandfather's tendency to "Bully", I wasn't surprised when a student acknowledged knowing him, and told [his side] of an incident when my grandfather "bullied" him verbally, in class, in front of other students. I replied empathetically to the student in question.

Hi Cissy, I think those are great things to do. I used to exercise but when my brother developed psychosis (actually I listened to a ton on Allen Schore yesterday and I am convinced my brother has somatiform dissociation - he had bodily delusions without any memory of his child abuse).  But after he got sick, I kind of fell apart. So in addition to the neurofeedback.... time to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity (something I have always wanted to do), start on my treadmill, now the weather is nice get out more to the beauty of the great lake with the two labs.  The alpha-theta training has been likened to hypnosis by some.  I think it probably is... I am just too hyper-aroused that I don't relax well... Still alert for the lion.  

 

Anyway I wish I was doing what you are, but I think the neurofeedback is allowing me to calm enough to move in that direction.  I am one year younger than you, per your post of yesterday or a few days ago. If I start working hard, I could get far in a year.... I am so glad you are on the site and I can learn more from others.

 

Thank you So much....

 

Tina.....