Follow-up to An Asteroid...

David:

I was just saying today how for a LONG time I thought, if people just did better, more, tried harder and sucked less - the world would be a better place. And, I also felt if my parents had done all of those things my world would have been a better place. It's not a view I have today.

I believe people can be doing the absolute best they can and it can still fall far short of what children need and deserve and that is HARD but that doesn't mean it's evil.

What we wish to be able to do and what we are capable of doing isn't always an exact match. Where we come from shapes how we parent. It's not just that we didn't learn parenting skills it's that we learned survival skills that did in fact shape us. Some of those survival skills (duck, cover, dissociate, etc.) worked well for living through trauma (which in my book is pretty resilient as it's not a guarantee)... However, the exact skills, capabilities that worked for survival make parenting well, attuned and attached and non-reactive VERY difficult even with willingness, work, education, therapy and effort. And that's even with lots of advantages. 

We can't shame parents into parenting. To me, it's like hitting kids for hitting or yelling at our kids at home because they yelled in school. I don't think shame on shame works. There are a tiny percentage of people without empathy or conscience and I believe that's even related to having experienced early trauma. It doesn't mean we aren't responsible for ourselves and our lives and our choices as adults. We are. ALL of us, collectively and as a society. But we can't shame ourselves and each other and hope that more than shame will grow and flourish. We can't help a hungry person cook a meal by giving out recipes if there is no food in the fridge or cupboard. 

I wish the process of becoming a healthier, happier and more whole parent after trauma were easier, quicker and that solid and sound advice was enough (though I'd have different views on what a list like that would be).

But the truth is that what works for surviving trauma, and surviving danger, threat and neglect isn't the same skill set for attaching, attuning, creating safety and many of us have to learn new ways of being, with practice, with guides, with time. If we are still in danger and in threat, and many are in adulthood, survival is still paramount.  

I can't speak for Dr. Felitti, of course, but I don't read that quote you cite as a call to call out evil but as a call for all of us to support parents and parenting and to understand that doing so is not only personal and family change but also social change. 

As always, I appreciate your passion and your intention for children to be cared for and safe. Cissy

Thank you Mr. Tunnell!  Visit advancingparenting.org and order a bumper sticker for your car or sets of the fifty parenting tips bumper stickers for tabletop displays or to give away at events.

David, great job! I was just made aware of your work at the Inland Empire Community Collaborative (IECC) THRIVE Conference last week. Keep writing and raising awareness for family strengthening through good parenting skills development.

www.momanddadproject.com 

The most valuable takeaway from the ACE Study and the one that is being ignored is the good that would come from a new kind of parenting education that reaches everyone, everywhere, all the time.

Parents have ACEs, especially parents that create environments where their children experience ACEs. Parents that have been educated about ACEs and resilience (by pediatricians, faith-based community members, social services organizations) understand their own life course, why they react the way they do to their environment and to their children, and become more engaged in wanting to learn how to regulate themselves and to pass that knowledge on to their children, so that they don't pass on their ACEs.

As Claudia Gold noted in the chat she did on ACEs Connection, telling parents who need this information the most only how to behave....without educating them about ACEs science and creating a safe place for them to explore their own reactions....doesn't help them change their behavior. 

ACEs isn't a euphemism, and it doesn't really refer to what you describe. It's a research-defined category of truly traumatic events and conditions: abuse, witnessed violence, loss of a loved one, poverty, divorce, housing instability, etc. The violent adult behavior you describe is more rooted in these than in parenting practices.

The poor parenting practices you describe can be truly harmful, but they are not necessarily ACEs. Any of the above can be traumatic if they are taken to an extreme or occur in a context of toxic stress, but they aren't intrinsically traumas. 

It's true that kids will be better off if parents had the skills, knowledge, and social supports to address the errors you describe. And definitely if parents had the skills and supports to manage their own emotions and build resiliency, we can reduce the risk of abuse and neglect.

We also need to move the needle on the community and societal conditions that increase the risk of trauma--poverty, violence, racism, and the like. The focus of your post has the danger of feeding into the "They just don't raise their kids right" mentality that runs contrary to research and certainly doesn't help improve conditions.