Given my work, this is an all too common question I get from all kinds of people -- clients, friends, family, journalists.
I always appreciate when people ask this question, because it means they are trying to wrap their head around an experience, categorize it in some way that gives them an anchor or foundation to start a healing journey.
I also know that sometimes this question is driven by fear or a need to dismiss or minimize something that has happened.
Just the other day, I was asked, "What if it was platonic? Like a father complaining about his wife to his daughter?"
I think context always matters, exactly what the complaint was, how it was phrased, how often it occurs, the intention behind it, and of course the subjective experience of the child.
It made me think of a time when my mom and dad just didn't seem to be getting along. I was around 16 years old. They weren't fighting or yelling - but there was a quiet in the house that was very unusual. One day, sitting with my dad, I asked, "Dad, what's going on with you and mom? Is something wrong?"
My dad let out a big sigh, and I could see he was trying to figure out how much to say, so I just sat quietly and waited. Eventually he said, "I wanted to have sex the other night and your mom didn't want to. That's okay of course, but I am feeling sad and upset about it. But don't worry - we'll figure it out."
I felt relieved to understand what was going on between my parents, and I really appreciated how my father modeled in that moment sharing with me, being vulnerable, normalizing that women don't always have to say yes to sex, normalizing even talking about sex, while also sharing his feelings. And he was very clear that it wasn't my job to fix anything or soothe him or comfort him.
But....sometimes boundaries are crossed in ways that aren't healthy, and this can lead to covert emotional incest, which Adena Banks Lees defines as "an elusive, emotional form of sexual abuse that occurs in a family system with the absence of direct genital contact. Being placed in the surrogate or substitute spouse role for a parent is one of the primary tenets of CEI."
So if we go back to my experience, let's say my dad instead had gone into a lot of explicit detail, recounted the entire exchange, solicited my help (e.g. go talk to you mom)....now we are in very different territory!!
I think what's really true at the end of the day is that there is a distinction between what "counts" as abuse according to our legal systems and what "counts" based on how a person was impacted by the experience.
So while trying to classify an experience as abuse/not abuse can be helpful, I think the better question is, "Did this experience leave a wound or lasting mark on my sense of self, my body, my sense of others, my sense of the world?"
When the answer is "yes", then the invitation is to work to resolve the trauma of that experience regardless of whether it fits prettily into some category of abuse or not.
That being said, sometimes having a label and knowing that others faced the same thing can be very healing, and that's why I wanted to call attention to CEI as it is still not often talked about but something so many of my clients have experienced, and we have to focus on healing this type of trauma as well.
If you need support healing from abuse - regardless of the label - I'm here. Please don't hesitate to reach out!
Your experience counts,
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