I believe that ending violence requires more than the use of our resources to minimizing the harmful impacts of violence. I believe that there must be a step beyond taking on violence to avert deaths. We need a long-term vision to guide our projects for social justice. And that includes an eye on prevention of violence in the first place. We now know that children brought up in a destructive environment live a traumatized existence and of course fail to get their developmental/emotional needs met. We also know that these same children often become acting-out teens and later acting-out adults.
Recently I had the pleasure to sit down with the founder and CEO of Full Frame Initiative, Katya Fels Smith and Audrey D. Jordan, Full Frames director of community engagement and evaluation. We talked about domestic violence, poverty, and trauma and its impact on our children, families, and communities. They introduced me to Full Frame Initiative’s Five Domains of Wellbeing. These five domains cover the universal, interdependent and non-hierarchical essential needs that we all have. They encompass social connectedness, stability, safety, mastery, and meaningful access to relevant resources.
Throughout my childhood I lacked safety, stability, and to some degree healthy connections. As I grew, the absence of these vital assets hindered my development, denied me the tools that lead one towards mastery, and impeded my capacity to acquire meaningful access to the relevant resources that one needs to thrive and be happy. Growing up with domestic violence and trauma robbed me of fundamental core developmental needs, needs that today I feel deeply grateful to have acquired and possess.
On Saturday, March 29th, a few days after my meeting with Katya and Audrey, I attended an one-day training at Homeboy Industries in Los Angeles. “Batterer Dynamics, Assessment & Intervention” was presented by Alyce La Violette. She’s been working with battered women since 1978 and created one of the first batterer men programs in the nation; she’s been running groups for men for over 35 years. As I sat and listened to her speak, it dawned on me that over 18 years have lapsed since I’d last seen her. At that time I had decided to embark on a film dealing with the subject of domestic violence, focused on men who abuse women, and Alyce was one of the people I sought out for guidance and help.
A consummate storyteller, she is passionate, poignant, humorous, and has a unique gift for effectively speaking to the sensitive topic of domestic violence. She was then, as she is now, a kind and compassionate human being. Looking back on it now, I credit her with my decision to eventually attend a batterer intervention program that helped support me in my own personal growth and development.
During the training, Alyce shared scenes of a documentary that a group of men from one of her batterer men groups had agreed to participate in with the hope that men who witnessed the film would benefit from it. One of these men was Dave. By the way, I just want to share with you that if we are going to look at the issue of domestic violence through a trauma-informed lens we are going to have to do something about the term “batterer” or “perpetrator”. Alyce said that in Canada, the term used is “people who use aggression.”
Scenes from the documentary we viewed gave us a glimpse into some of the issues that men who use aggression contend with, as well as insights, learning, and transformations that transpired throughout the group experience. Dave, who stood almost seven feet tall, was a man who used severe aggression that gave rise to disastrous aftermaths. In a fit of rage he broke his wife’s neck, a crime that put him in prison, severed his relationship with his children, and physically, emotionally, and mentally, damaged and traumatized, the woman he at one time promised to love and protect.
Not until after Dave left prison and joined the men’s group did his life began to change. We watched as Dave struggled with his guilt and shame. We observed him coming to the realization that what he’d done was inconceivable and irreversible. We witnessed his remorse, sorrow, anguish and pain. When the scenes came to an end someone asked, “What happened to Dave”? “Dave ended up getting throat cancer,” said Alyce.
She told us that throughout his treatment he continued in the group. At one point they had to remove part of his tongue and graft some skin from his forearm to rebuild it, causing men to rib him and ask to see his hairy tongue.
Dave learned, and as he did he began to obtain the essential needs identified by the Full Frame Initiative and commenced the transformation into the person he was meant to be. He grew socially connected to his men’s group, developed stability and safety, set off on the pursuit of mastery, and started the ball rolling towards seeking out meaningful access to relevant resources that would enhance his life. Dave became an advocate against domestic violence and spoke at schools, shelters and batterer men programs. He modeled and practiced restorative justice.
One day Alyce got a call from Dave. He told her that his children called and wanted to see him. It was the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world.
Dave died shortly thereafter, Alyce and some of the men in his group stood at his bedside, to comfort him in his final moments. Alyce said, "I couldn't do it." She had to leave the room and go outside. She couldn’t bear to view him passing away. A few minutes later someone came out to let her know that he was gone.
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