I am feeling tired after the holidays but overall, it was pretty amazing. I hugged my hubby tight on New Year’s Eve and thanked him for our 19 years together and for pulling off another Christmas with the kids being happy and content with all that we did. They are actually not that hard to please but I put a lot of pressure on myself.
This Christmas was a little different because my mom came and spent almost 2 weeks with us. Her husband died this summer and I knew this would be a tough holiday for her so I was happy to invite her to be with us. I do have a fairly good relationship with my mom considering what we have been through together.
Some of you may have read my story here about being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My abuser was my mom’s husband, my step father (not the one that just passed away).
I was the caretaker in my family growing up. I am the oldest and took on the role as the protector of my twin, at least as much as I could and I did try. I have had my moments with my mother on the healing journey. I have expressed my anger towards her for not keeping me safe, for not getting me out of that house, for staying with him for 25 years. I was angry that, in the end, she didn’t leave him for me and my sister but for her own reasons.
That was a long time ago. I did cut her out of my life for a few years. In the beginning, all she had to do to say my name to set of those old memories in my head. It was hard but it was the best thing for me. I clung (in a good way) to my support group, husband, and a few close friends when I restored my sense of self and chose new beliefs about myself and the world around me. It is different now with her. I don’t have to rescue her. I don’t worry about her or feel the need to entertain her when she is around me. She can just be with us. She was very helpful with the baking, cooking and shopping during the holidays and was very generous with my kids and her time with us.
I am sharing this because I know many survivors that cannot fathom having a close relationship with their parents, especially the parent that did not protect them while growing up.
I did have coffee alone with my mom a few times during the last couple of weeks and I took the time to thank her. I thanked her for hearing my story, for validating my truth, for answering my questions and during other visits, letting me cry with her. She is and will always be my mother. Our stories are intertwined and can never be separated.
I live my own life and am not dependent on her, in fact I never was. I was very independent much too early, often a sign of abuse at home.
My life began because of my mother’s trauma. She was raped and I am the result of that. I realize that during that time, I was the worst thing that happened to her. But I know now that I am one of the best things about her life. She loves me and is proud of who I have become.
I would have been alright without her acceptance because I love myself and feel proud of who I am and what I have accomplished as a parent, wife, educator and an advocate for others. But having her love and acceptance is an added bonus.
I love her and am thankful for what we have and I hope it gives others hope as well. I believe that if I can do it, so can you.
I take what she can give now. I have compassion for her and love and appreciate her. I cannot be angry about the past anymore. It hurts me more than her. I am not anyone’s judge and my job is to focus on myself, my healing, my family, and being the best I can be.
Sharing my story and my healing journey is what I love to do. It helps others. I hope for all the 42 million survivors of child sexual abuse in America today that they all find peace and the help they need to have the lives they dream of. Healing is possible and it starts with us.
I think it is going to be a great year. At least – I am planning on having a good year.
Thank you for reading,
Love and Light.
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