BRIEF COMMENTARY ON "RESILIENCY"

Welcome Linda D., I think you have offered us some "food for thought". Whether anyone, some members, or all of ACEsConnection agree with the "world view" you have presented here, it is your "world view", and that is most assuredly valid for you. Whether it is valid for all or some of the rest of the members remains to be seen, but I am grateful to make your acquaintance, and look forward to getting to know you. I will probably comment again later, after I have read it in its entirety. But, in my humble opinion, I believe you are "off to a good start"! ...

Thank you for your kindness, Robert, in taking the time to comment!  I have accumulated a rather radical viewpoint on the subject from my history of being raised 18 years with extreme abuse and trauma from birth by a very severely ill psychotic mother.  ETC!!!! good to hear your thoughts!

 

Hi Again Linda,

     I addressed part of my concern[s] in a comment on the Kevin, M.D. blog item on Community Centered Health Homes, about three blog items down from yours. I'll try to get back to yours with constructive feedback, later. And THANK YOU, too!

Linda, I totally agree with you! I was raised by no one but grew up w/a sociopathic father and radically angry mother who gladly cooperated in his sadistic acts. Lots of resilience for kids comes fron caring parents or a caring adult in your life as a child... Some of us just didn't have that...at all...anywhere.....ever.... and I think it is those who struggle the most.   My parents didn't allow me to have friends or go to others homes as if anyone came to our trailer, CPS would have been called immediately but also they the sociopaths didn't want anyone to learn about their sadism.. I do think we can help children become resilience and must by being a caring adult and letting parents know how much damage they are doing to their children's brains by abusing them. Parents deserve to know that abuse is over time as bad as hitting a child in the head w/a hammer. W/abuse you may not kill your child w/1 blow but you may end up w/a teen or adult who commits suicide or becomes psychotic like my little brother did. I too believe it is victim blaming to look at me and say maybe I needed more resilience ... Survival from what I know I could not go through twice is resilience (often i wish I had died or had been killed to just get it over...just being honest) but looking at me and calling me resilient (or someone  else with really sadistic parents and absolutely no supports as a child) really is incorrect too because in that there is a total lack and complete unawareness of how much suffering still occurs from what crazy, mean and terrible people did to my mind, body, and soul.... I call it soul murder....or at least soul on life support.  Education of parents is key!!!!  I don't want to see any kids go through this and the sad thing is now my mom (and you can tell she is for real--- wishes someone had told her how much damage she was doing... Sometimes when she starts to think about all the bad stuff that has happened to all 5 of her kids, her face gets all contorted and she looks like she is about to cry... Sometimes she does... I feel real bad for her and wish she had known that love not anger and hate is the answer.... Sorry for hogging your space.....liked the blog...

       
       


I see nothing radical in your view at all.. There is lots of logic there!!!   http://www.gse.harvard.edu/new...3/science-resilience

http://www.gse.harvard.edu/new...olicy-and-resilience

Looks kind of like Jack Shonkoff of Harvard Center for the Developing Child Agrees...

I also enjoyed your views and reading how resilience and the concept does (or doesn't) speak to or for you. 

Your blog name is great and these paragraphs are quite powerful. 

 

"With those depleted essential resources survivors MAXIMIZE their lives!  Not only do we survive what should not be survived most often from birth but we exist as caring, compassionate, giving people who sacrifice greatly to help OTHER people – including those we love most dearly – MAXIMIZE their resources.

But we often do this by depleting our inner resources in ways we do not detect often until way, way down the road of our lives.  We give and give and love and love and help and help and sacrifice and sacrifice until finally  – if we are not very, very astute and careful – we make it to the ending stretches of our life being left with nearly next to NOTHING."

I think one of the amazing things about all of the ACE research is that it shows that even those who don't have social or mental health issues that impair functioning - seemingly - trauma still exacts a toll on the body. Seeming to be "over it" and the body being free of carrying it are not one in the same. 

For me, learning about ACES has made me much more pro-active about my overall health (reducing inflammation and doing stress-reducing relaxation techniques as treatment for the past not only as prevention for future health issues). And while much of the news about ACES is utterly depressing - I find the research ends up motivating and making me feel empowered more than anything. For so long I thought I wasn't as sturdy or hardy as a person should be. Now, knowing my ACE score I feel I'm pretty hardy (resilient even) after all and I'm not sure I would have said that about myself before. 

 

But resilient can make people feel blamed for being impacted so much. I've felt and heard that as well and it was interesting to hear your take.

Warmly, Cissy

 

The physical costs of any trauma survival, but especially of early traumas as they form themselves into the rapidly growing body-brain (such critical development conception to age 3, especially) is an area of research that has finally come into its own.  Your comment prompts me write something about my grandson, I will call Alex, who just turned 5.  I RARELY ever say anything about my family.

 

Alex was born 6 weeks early.  Nobody knows why.  But it became obvious that "something is wrong" for this precious little boy.  An autism screening is scheduled for the end of this month.  He has had speech therapy twice a week for nearly 2 years, occupational therapy, etc. - BUT, what I wanted to mention is connected to body memory.

 

Being alone in that little box in the NICU traumatized this child, I have do doubt.  About 6 weeks ago now he began to experience intense physical sensations that perhaps would have only been understood by grandma me.  Among the most difficult of all the pains he was reporting (nearly one a minute as this "healing crisis" appeared) all over his body was the itching on his right cheek that had him nearly scratching his skin off.  The other VERY troublesome sensation he was having as he reported it verbally was I AM CHOKING!!  I AM CHOKING! -- as he pulled on the skin of his throat, with undeniable terror in his eyes and voice.

 

In talking with my daughter about all of this when Alex came to spend time with me (I was living 1700 miles away when Alex was born and in the NICU) an amazing answer I need to hear for these pains appeared.  Alex had a feeding tube down his nose and throat for the first 2 weeks of his life.  There was a very large clear plastic adhesive patch on the exact spot on his cheek where his itching appeared in "today time."

 

I am not sure I would have believed that body memory can be stored from birth, stored so intensely, or released so clearly.  In less than two weeks of my "working this through" with Alex these sensations have vanished.  What has his body now done with that part of his early trauma?  I sure don't know, but I do know our body is a miracle of healing if we can find a way to accomplish that -- I believe for our self and for others.

Meant to add, I am currently up staying in the town where Alex and my girls reside.  The other extremely important point I could include here is that for all the extremely loving safe and secure attachment relationships this little guy has in his life, with NO trauma other than his birth trauma, no abuse -- Alex's attachment system itself as such exists in the biocircuitry of the body-brain-nervous system HAS FAILED.  It is NOT working correctly, and as a result nearly every developmental stage he needed to go through as connected to the working of a successful attachment system has been interfered with.

 

Boundaries, separation from Mommy, empathy, emotional regulation (including intensity), building of Theory of Mind, imaginative play, etc. are all on "some other track."  If this is autism, we will soon know.  His anxiety is very high and he is scared ALL OF THE TIME when not within 2 feet of an attachment adult, including teachers.  

 

(Alex is very smart, and I suspect that the at-birth beginning of his Anterior Cingulate Cortex development was directly impacted by early NICU trauma.  Another "off topic" note here:  google "crystal children" and read the first link that appears - fascinating!  Alex would be one of these kids.)

A "knot in my stomach" reference - I don't have any answers, just questions!

 

+WHAT MIGHT LOVE FEEL LIKE? A “RESILIENCY FACTOR” STORY FROM MY ABUSIVE CHILDHOOD

Tina, at looking into the link you posted above which states: "When confronted with the fallout of childhood trauma, why do some children adapt and overcome, while others bear lifelong scars that flatten their potential? A growing body of evidence points to one common answer: Every child who winds up doing well has had at least one stable and committed rela­tionship with a supportive adult."

 

I DID NOT have any such relationship in the 18 years of my childhood.  Not one with the exception of the very meager connection I gleaned with my grandmother before our family moved 3000 miles away from her when I was 5.  Even before leaving Los Angeles Mother was able to nearly completely interfere with my grandmother's access to me and mine to her.

 

My connection to life itself was formed in my relationship with the wilderness on my family's Alaskan mountain homestead.  THAT land and all its life became my life.  Would I have survived if my parents had not moved to Alaska and staked claim to that land?  I will never know, of course.  

 

But because of the fact that I had no human safe and secure attachment and still survived begs the question to me about how resiliency is assessed even in the context at the link you gave.  I hence believe there is far more to "this story" than people might, as a whole, be comprehending.  Whatever that "more" might be, I firmly and thoroughly believe is valuable beyond measure and is worthy of consideration in some of our thinking.

 

Thanks!

I think it is pretty complicated. After my grandmother was killed when I was 4, I had no one either and grew up in horrific poverty... I still went to University of Michigan medical school... Though I need to find a job where people are doing ACEs work (as ending child abuse has been my single focused mission since I was 5 and looked my mother straight in the eyes and told her I would never be like her and she slapped my face). I wasn't like her but I was a little lucky, many years later.. She finally got it and is gosh awful sorry.. There is some comfort there in her final confirmation.... and in the genuine remorse. I don't know all the elements.... But I do believe having just one adult who cares and truely loves that developing child can make a world of difference in survival...Thanks T

Tina, I can tell even from what you are describing here in this limited format that you KNOW what I am saying about this topic!  Always my heart BREAKS for other sufferers!  SO WRONG!!!  The world has to CHANGE - you are AMAZING!!!!! 

 

Yes, "that one relationship" would be NICE and of course most excellent - BUT - there IS more to "this story" of resiliency!  Oh, well.  Shouting into the wind?  And I tell you, living at present in North Dakota the wind SHOUTS BACK!  Last week many residents couldn't leave their office buildings or open their car doors the wind was SHOUTING so loudly!!!

To me this is weird. I read Age 8 bloody nose. We had the same three stacked army beds in my small room in the trailer. Me on top no more than about 18 inches (cause I'm the oldest), Renee in the middle and Steven on the bottom.. It gave me weird déjà-vo..... We might have lots in common...

Sawed off metal Army bunks!  HA HA!!  Do not sit up on the bottom ones and expect to keep your HAIR!  Ouch!

I just finished reading your entire story. We have lots in common. My dad was the insane one with BPD or sociopathic personality disorder. My mom was an angry observer who never stopped my dad at all. You parents were absolutely as sick as mine and I am so sorry.... I know how very very bad treatment like that is...and yes we had the same stupid sawed off stacked three high army bunk beds whenever I was up there, I felt like I was in a coffin.

I too have had lots of problems with all these definitions of resilience. Could it be the time you got away from them for a short time and went deep into the inner workings of ones mind, or left thoughts of them for a time to look at the beauty of a monarch on a milkweed or just chase clouds in the sky... When it is as bad as your story ... I think we get completely back to the wall pushed to survival and really just about survival only... I knew at any time my dad could and would have killed me or my brother if he wanted and he made sure we knew it.... I bet you felt that your insane mother could kill you too at any minute.. That's what I think when it is God awful bad with no reprieve from fear of death, resilience is mearly a manifestation of doing whatever it takes not to die.

And our homestead Jamesway's roof was curved canvas, right over the beds!

 

There was a LOT of forced isolation and solitary confinement done to me - massive amounts!  Along with the terrible abuse.  Such bizarre parents and HARMFUL - and no way society is prepared to screen for them or get children away from such harm!  Borderlines can be so "charming" and cunning - making it even harder for their abusive madness to be detected.  We have a LONG way to go to protect children

 

You are very correct on the threat to life!!  And what that does to a very young person - even an infant - especially the very young!  But ultimately LIFE ITSELF was bigger than those who harmed us.  To this day I have times I envy the dead!  The continuing to live - it is very complicated for some of us

I gotta say I cannot say it any better....they isolate and then methodically destroy the soul such that an envy of the dead has been a frequent companion of mine....

This is the darkness of what sadistic abuse does to a human....

I too am often concerned about how to screen for these parents. I have screened for aces in the pedi office but always knew these ones, the sadistically damaging soul murderers, are the ones I don't think can be picked up either and they are common... My thought is show serve and return early.... Show how rewarding it can be interacting with the infant from the start... In no way disrupt the birth bonding not for checking weight or a dumb blood sugar or what ever... Then lots of info about how abuse and trauma for young kids brain development is a kin to feeding a child lead... Now it is important to use finesse and this won't work for those really mentally ill who just cannot seem to get it but that's my start.

       
       


Yes I remember my hair pulled and caught many times.

I think, Tina, that in the end I continue to fight for those that whatever research might say are not "doing well."  This topic is rather central in my thinking right now, in what few moments of quiet I can glean in a busy week of days caring for my daughter's youngest who turns 3 in July, because this brilliant daughter of mine is currently lining up her own research involving the ACE questionnaire combined with resiliency study for her doctoral dissertation.

 

We do not (yet?) see anything like eye-to-eye on this topic.  She knows my history well.  She knows, honors and respects me.  And yes, it is primary to me to support her in finding her own way as I have all of her life.  BUT!!  What about "the rest of us?" I want to know.

 

The rest, who are still alive, GOT this way by using a combination of amazing abilities that allowed them to survive when surviving was not an option.  

 

++

 

I had not yet read your comment about your patients when I began to write this.  How you brought yourself to such a high level of service to humanity has to be a stunning story.  In the decades I did seek therapy NEVER did any therapist suggest to me that Mother was mentally ill!!  Of course the diagnostic category of borderline didn't exist until recently, but some one of those therapists needed to TELL me my mother was insane!

 

The closest any therapist ever got to telling me this truth, and even she was shooting in the dark, was the one who told me to read People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck.  And, yes, BINGO with that identification of the snakes-in-the-gut feeling from being around someone who is evil.

 

I now know that this sense of evil is not that the person is evil, but rather than the person is SO SICK there can be no consciousness that could prevent evil actions from being taken.

 

When my oldest daughter was in about 2nd grade her teacher in that very small town school asked a question of her students one day that I thought was very astute!  "Has anyone ever made you eat part of a bar of soap?"  This took place nearly 40 years ago.  Smart teacher!  What she did if a student said yes, I have no idea, but it does make me think that there must be some very simple, creative and yes SLY ways to find the sickest of the sickest parents.

 

I "accidentally" ended up with all of my mothers letters and diaries when she died.  I am hoping my daughter will someday have time to edit them.  There are 10 manuscripts finished from these writings which include some with my commentary included.  If nothing else, I believe these writings from Mother provide an extremely rare long term look inside the mind of an incredibly abusive mother.  

 

The babies!!  Oh, these sickest parents are so clever!  It may be that ONLY people like you can protect them.  I so honor the person you are and the work that you do.

Tina, our conversation last night was surprisingly good for me.  I guess it has been awhile since I have had the opportunity to meet someone like you!  Some of my related thoughts are in this post

 

+TEMPORARY TRAUMA-BURDEN VACATIONS! (locating our trauma-healing peers)

Thank you!