By Alayne Unterberger, The Good Men Project, September 24, 2021
I love this brave wild flower thriving against all odds. I never watered it nor do I care for it, yet it’s so beautiful and thrives in its environment. People, and relationships, are not like this wildflower. They need a lot of care, time and communication. In short, nurturing.
A lot of relationships suffer from untreated childhood trauma suffered by one or both partners. I felt compelled to write this essay after reading too many essays on Medium.com decrying that my partner is a “narcissist.” Since I am not a licensed psychologist, I refrain from diagnosing. Then it occurred to me that perhaps we need an article that takes a more holistic view of the pain of relationships, and believe me, I have suffered.
It is very hard for some people to accept that in order to be a good partner to another person you first have to be your own best friend. It’s tricky because this same trauma creates self-doubt, anxiety and unhealthy behaviors. It is next to impossible to have a healthy relationship when trauma is not addressed by both parties. Choosing to not have relationships is not a solution because people are social creatures and need others. Therefore, denial of this situation creates more trauma for those interacting with the traumatized person, especially as they become serial monogamists who find fault in every single one of their partners. We might be tempted to put labels on these folks or say something like “he’s a player” or “she is just in it for xyz.” But is this really useful, in the long run? Many times putting labels on this real pain diminishes the fact that this person inflicted great hurt to the other. I have sat with many a friend who is trying to figure out what happened or why he or she stopped calling and honestly, I’ve been that person who stopped answering and the person who was left with the questions.
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