I think a lot about my daughter's mother on Mother's Day as well how much being a mother has taught me about love and attachment.
When I first became an adoptive parent, I read everything I could about adoption and attachment. That process helped my own personal healing even though I thought, at first, I'd be learning about my child's attachment issues.
Anyhow, this piece isn't about that. This piece is just my thoughts about my daughter's mother near Mother's Day. It was published in Elephant Journal.
Dear Mother,
Birth. First. Real. Adoptive. I hate these words and what others call us.
We are mothers to the same daughter. Me in the U.S. and you in China.
You are who conceived, carried and birthed our girl. You are more to me than a container which held the amniotic fluid which bathed your-my-our baby.
Kai is the name I gave her. Did you have a name for her?
I wonder if, how, and who…you are. I wish I could let you know our daughter is wonderful and safe.
I’ve read that it’s the birth father and his parents who decide if a daughter is relinquished in China. Was that true for you?
When Kai was born was there an audible sigh?
Was there the heaviness of grief when a vagina was discovered instead of a penis?
Was relinquishment the price for being born girl?
Our custom is to yell, “It’s a girl!” with joy when a baby is born. It’s the typical traditional. I hope that doesn’t sound smug. I’m not some superior American.
When people say to me, “She’s so lucky,” I say, “It is me who is lucky.”
When people tell me how disgraceful it is, the way girls are treated in China I say, “But they are a country that treats their elderly better than we do.” I mention too how poorly our veterans are treated, and those with addictions or mental illness.
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