It's been 3 months now since Annie and I have been dating and things are going really well. Yet, cooler heads have prevailed and the both of us are pragmatic enough to know that it's still just 3 months. Prior to the Covid 19 pandemic, the both of us were making plans to travel together in May. Needless to say, that idea sunk like a rock to the bottom of the ocean, the moment #socialdistancing went viral overnight. Though disappointed, we've both taken this opportunity to really get to know each other, chatting often on the phone and providing a listening ear for each other. Annie especially has been exceptional in providing me so much insight for my business and for my personal development.
At 3 months of dating Annie, I feel solid emotionally inside about where we're at and where we're going. I'm checking in with myself often, dousing any fires of self-doubt and thoughts of inadequacy I might have about myself. Being able to pay attention to where my mind is at, I'm no longer driven by infatuation and idealizing my partner. This allows me to see Annie for who she is, instead of trying to shape her into a preconceived image of who I think she should be.
Is that Love? I'm not quite sure yet. Is it headed in that direction? Most likely.
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Does love mean accepting the person as they are?
If love means accepting a person for who they are, and if that person just sits on the couch watching sports, drinking beer every night after dinner, instead of spending quality time with you, then where is the connection?
How often have we nagged at our partners to get off that damn couch, and go for a walk with us instead?
Initially, I believed love was accepting the person as they are. If that's true, you wouldn't be fussing over them to turn off that gawd awful TV show you can't stand, would you? Yet, we still love them regardless of their different interests.
Thus my perspective's changed. You can still love someone, and not accept them entirely.
So, my quest to define what love means for me continued. Here's what I came up with and jotted down in my journal:
To love someone is to support and encourage them....hmm. Not enough.
Too surfacy.
Needs more meat to the bones.
Then, I put my nose to the grindstone...
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What does it mean to love someone?
- I support and align with their ambitions, goals and conscious needs.
- I align with their morals, values and friendships.
- I align with their belief system.
- I give my love unconditionally because I care for their wellbeing. Love is not based on a repayment program.
- I am comfortable and secure with myself. I can't love someone else, unless I'm able to love myself first.
- I understand and accept their mannerisms, idiosyncrasies and thought process.
- I respect their right to make their own decisions (though I may not agree with them) and I value their opinions.
- And lastly, the BIG one, I respect them as an individual, one who is free and liberated from my subconscious needs.
The last one was the big aha moment for me. You've all heard the saying, if you love someone, set them free. I never really latched onto that saying because I felt it needed more. To love someone, means to allow them to retain their identity, allow them to grow as a whole being, and to support them in their journey. Loving someone in order to fill a subconscious black hole left in your life, isn't love. That's codependency.
By sharing this, I'm holding my own feet to the fire, afterall 3 months of dating DOES NOT make me an expert.
I look forward to the many possibilities down the road with Annie once the world resumes back to its new normal state. I can't control where's she's at but if I continue to focus on working on myself, I'm confident everything's going to work out fine!
Jason Lee, Author of Living with the Cat, the 9 Biggest Reasons Why Your Life Sucks!
cover image by vjapratama on Pexels
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