...

it is very hard for me to start this post.

i am afraid no one will help me with what i need. i need some encouragement. i need to feel cared about by someone. valued.

i dont need it from anyone in particular as much as i need it from people in general. but it does hurt that i dont feel valued by people here. it would help if just one person replied and offered me some encouragement, some empathy.

i did not hear from jame the last time i wrote her. that hurts. i feel rejected by her. i need to feel accepted by people.  i know i am very different than probably everyone on here. i am probably the only one who listenst to suicidal people nearly each day, who thinks about them and who also feel suicidal at least once each day..  it seems people are very afraid to talk about suicide here. i suppose they dont know what to say or how to express their feelings, even their discomfort with the topic.

i am afraid i will get banned from here because i am not "positive" enough. so i am taking that risk now.

i am showing myself. exposing my true feelings and thoughts. i am making myself vulnerable. - as i read in leo buscaglia's book called love. he starts the book by telling the true story of a student of his, 20 years old, who he called intelligent and sensitive who killed herself. and he hadnt suspected a thing.

maybe one of u who reads this has a family member or a friend who has killed themselves. so maybe this is a reminder of that. and maybe u dont want to be reminded. idk really why people here are so uncomfortable with the topic. but i do know that ignoring a suicidal person is like not giving water to a person dying of thirst. one drop would help that person.

one drop can be more than one drop in fact. one drop might not seem like much. sort of like voting. does ur vote matter? does one drop of water matter to a thirsty person?

i suspect that many people are afraid of trying to help a depressed or suicidal person because they are afraid of how much time it might take. and they are already so busy. busy keeping the system going.

or busy trying to chnage it, but not in really fundamental ways. not in radical ways. after all the system is probably providing them a comfortable office and a roof over their heads.

so they probably would tell a young person to stay in the system. they probably would not say "maybe this system, this country, this culture is not the best one for you."

i would like to know if anyone has ever told someone that. i would feel surprised if they did. i would also feel encouraged and would like to know that person.

which leads me to friends. i was adding "friends" here - but is someone really your friend if youi cant tell them you feel suicidal and they can't offer you any encouragement or empathy or understanding? or even acceptance?

so i dont know if i will ever find any friends or support here. maybe this will be my last attempt. maybe jane or someone will delete this comment. idk.

it hurts me btw that people called "minors" are not even allowed on here.

reminds me of the concept of the ivory tower, where the professors are out of touch with the people they are supposedly helping.

i feel so out of place here. i can just imagine people thinking how "negative" this post sounds. but i dont use the word "negative" much now. i use the words pain and painful.

in fact i would like to show people, my new model of what i call my painful emotions technique. i call it the H-PET.

i am afraid to even come back on to this site to check to see if anyone has left me a message. i am afraid it will hurt too much if no one has. or if no one has left a message showing any empathy or understanding. i have realized in the past few months that empathy is one of the main things i did not get from my family.

i have written that u cant feel empathy and defensive at the same time. i suspect people will feel defensive as they read this post, so i wont be too surprised if i dont get any replies. i will probably just post this and go do something else. if i am dependent on a response here... i am in trouble. but actually i am in trouble. or pain. a lot of pain. nearly every day.  so i see i have 2 messages in my inbox. i will open that now. maybe there will be something encouraging there.