Tagged With "Unloved Daughters"
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NBC’s Al Trautwig Apologizes for Rude Comments About Simone Biles’ Parents (www.theroot.com)
If you like gymnastics or have been watching the Olympics you probably already know that Simone Biles is an amazing athlete . Did you know she has ACEs as well? Biles lived in foster care, had an absent father and parents who reportedly struggled with addiction to drugs. I didn't know any of this unitl NBC commentator, Al Trautwig, refused to call her adoptive parents her parents, first on air and later via Twitter. This angered many people. Luckily, Biles' coach and the public responded...
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“No Coincidence, No Story.” Lisa See Inspires (www.healwritenow.com)
(Cissy's note: This is a post my sister, Karyn White Doherty, wrote for my blog about an event she organized with her book club. I share it here because it's about loss, grief, and ACEs as well as about what heals - relationships, community, and sharing stories. If you have been dealing with extreme weather or life conditions the last few days, and find reading or writing to be a soothing and wonderful escape, I hope you enjoy this. My sister is the best!) How does an author bring about...
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Our "Entitled" Children & Great Writing by Maureen O'Leary
Have you heard or said how entitled kids today are? Maybe you think they expect too much and aren't as strong, resilient, capable or whatever as you or other adults? Maybe you can't imagine how they live - having so much, insisting on so much and texting so much. Maybe you think they are terrible and we were better. Maybe you admire them and wish you could trade places. Maybe generalizations make you uncomfortable or you just aren't sure what you to think about the generational changes or...
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Parenting after ACEs: Small Changes & Huge Differences (www.healwritenow.com)
Cissy's note: I was on a stay-cation last week and had some time to write and blog. Here's an except from my latest piece.
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Parenting, COVID and Teens: The Hassle
It all started for me about two weeks ago. Even though I heard about Coronavirus here and there, it was just a distant conversation happening on the background for me. Until one day, I got home from work, and my husband said we had to start stocking up for the crisis . "Crisis? Which crisis?", I asked. "The outbreak! It is serious. My company is preparing us to work from home for at least four weeks". "Get out of here," I thought. He is known for being anxious and controlling, so I scratched...
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Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8 (The National Academies Press 2016)
A study published by The National Academies of Sciences in 2016 resulting in 10 Recommendations to build support for parents... "Over the past several decades, researchers have identified parenting- related knowledge, attitudes, and practices that are associated with improved developmental outcomes for children and around which parenting- related programs, policies, and messaging initiatives can be designed. However, consensus is lacking on the elements of parenting that are most important...
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Parenting, Menopause & ACEs After-the-Chat Summary: Carey Sipp
Have you talked with friends, siblings or co-workers about Parenting with ACEs while going through the change? Do you have any fascinating facts to share about how your OBGYN prepared or supported you when thrown by midlife, hormonal shifts and emotional residue from traumatic stress? Me either. And it's a shame. A lot of people parent, go through menopause, and have survived a bunch of ACEs. Conversations and information shouldn't be so hard to find. But they are. T hat's the reason we...
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Parenting through the Storm Book Review
Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems , is written by Ann Douglas. The author, a member of this group and network , has a warm, open and honest tone. She's a parent and gets that parents and kids are sometimes or even often scared, struggling and in crisis. She knows. She writes about the time she almost lost her daughter, thirteen at the time, to death by suicide. Her daughter was vomiting and sleeping, restlessly, all night...
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Parenting with PTSD & ACEs Chats Highlights & How to Find Chat Transcripts
Here are some answers to questions I've had about chats as well as a summary of the highlights from last week's chat . Chat Format The chats are done via typed messaging (no audio or visual). Chats are an hour-long and allow for discussion as well as Q&A. All are welcome to Parenting with ACEs chats. You don't have to have kids or ACEs to attend - though it's fine if you one or both :) You can post questions to a chat ahead of time and review a chat transcript after it has ended.
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Paying Attention as the Most Exhausting Part of Parenting with ACEs
I used to sneak away for a hot bath as often as possible when my daughter was in the need-me-every-minute years. I'd soak long past when the water went cold and I felt guilty at times but sometimes I needed to be alone. To read poetry. To have some physical space. To exhale. I didn't always know where or how to pamper or self-care myself. There were few adults I trusted. I believed in attachment-style parenting and wanted to be there all of the time. And that even made me feel guilty when I...
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Permission to be actual humans during a pandemic, please
I have a single mom friend who is caring for a baby, a 16-year old, and working full-time. Her name is Heidi. This is the same friend, with an ACE score of 10, written about here a few years ago. This is what she posted on Facebook (and gave me permission to share) the day after Governor Charlie Baker announced the schools in MA will be closed, at least, until early May: The numerous and immediate comments and responses went something like this: I sighed in relief when I read Heidi's post. I...
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Pioneering Research Study on Child-Parent Psychotherapy Incorporates ACEs
The Child Parent Project , a five-year, $3 million federally funded project in Philadelphia, is the first research study in the U.S. partnering with public health agencies and family courts to gauge the impact of child-parent psychotherapy (CPP)...
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Please stop saying parenting is hard for everyone & read Parenting with PTSD instead
Sometimes, we feel anxious, intrusive, or afraid when changing or bathing or own babies. Sometimes, we feel sick to our stomachs and worried while potty training, nurturing, or disciplining our toddlers. Sometimes, we feel shame-filled and ill-equipped when talking about puberty, body parts, or sexuality because of how and where we were compromised by caregivers as children as in our bodies, homes, and families. P arenting is brutally hard for some. If affection, attention and intimacy have...
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Protecting Our Children's Mental Health During the Pandemic
Our physical health is not the only form of health that is in jeopardy right now. The emotional health of our families is also at risk, and it can help to take proactive steps now to mitigate psychological damage to your children and prevent a silent aftermath of this outbreak.
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PTSD in Love (www.healwritenow.com)
I went to the fireworks the other night. I was thinking about how fireworks can be hard for veterans and how it's good people know and respect that. Relationships are my fireworks. Relationships are where it's hard for me to stay present without being sent in to sensory overload. ACEs and interpersonal violence can be so messy and complex. It's hard to find language and even when we have words there aren't always ways to prevent all triggers. Relationships offer the space and place for the...
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PTSD in Women Linked to Cognitive Impairment (www.medscape.com) & Commentary
This article below is about the impact of PTSD on cognitive function in middle-age women. It talks about possible cellular aging and of course I couldn't help but think of ACEs that happen in childhood for the women studied and how much and how early girls are impacted. We know the answer is a lot. Mostly, I'm filled with questions. What's the impact on puberty, periods and sexual health and development? What's the impact on childbearing, pregnancy, fertility post-partum experiences? What's...
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A viral photo of a calm dad and a screaming toddler holds an important parenting lesson. (upworthy.com)
Actor Justin Baldoni recently shared a poignant photo with his own daughter and the big lesion he learned from his Dad about such moments. Baldoni, best known for his role on the show "Jane the Virgin," shared a photo his wife, Emily, took while the family was shopping at the local Whole Foods. In it, Baldoni, along with his father, stares down at his daughter, Maiya. She's crying and/or wailing on the floor. Who knows about what. Her body is twisted into classic tantrum pose. When Baldoni...
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ACE-Aha Moments & Parenting: Meet Aprel Phelps Downey
Aprel Phelps Downey What was your ACEs Aha moment? When did you first hear about ACEs and what impact did/does it have on you? How do ACEs impact you as a parent? How is your parenting impacted by past trauma? What’s been most helpful to you as a parent parenting with ACEs? What’s been most challenging for you as a parent parenting with ACEs? What has parenting taught you? What have you learned? How do you manage complex family relationships? What inspires/encourages and helps you? I know...
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ACE Member Discount 18th Annual Families and Fathers National Conference Limited
I am sharing a 20% discount and that U.S. OCSE as well as trauma experts are actively participating with a special series on March 1st at the 18th Annual Families & Fathers National Conference, "Never Giving Up - Breakthrough 2017", will be hosted by Fathers & Families Coalition of America from February 27 - March 3, 2017 in Los Angeles, CA. Early Bird Registration is now open with full event, two-day or one-day options for individuals to customize their training. The focus of this...
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ACEs Science Champions Series: Eulanda Thorne Applies ACEs Science Awareness at School and at Home
Eulanda Thorne and her children (L to R) Sarah, Joshua, Leah, Emmanuel When school counselor Eulanda Thorne discovered the science of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) in 2018, she felt as if she were on fire. “I felt that I had missed a vital part of my education. Anyone who is in college for social work or teaching, a class on ACEs and trauma should be a required course.” Without an understanding of ACEs, she says, “I would think the students who are sent to me are being defiant or...
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Adoption: Broken Bonds (www.risemagazine.org)
Across the country, roughly 50,000 children are adopted from foster care each year. They are expected to detach from their families and start over with new ones. Their mothers and fathers, stripped of parental rights, are told to let go and move on, unsure of whether they will see their children again. Adoption can be in the best interest of many children, but experience and research show that it’s not the right option for all children. The trauma caused by separation, the tug of war between...
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Advice from a Parent Advocate: Communicating With Your Caseworker (risemagazine.org)
Interview with Toni Miner, Family Support Partner When the child welfare system first came into Toni Miner’s life, she felt shamed and blamed and not supported. For many years, Miner hid her problems—and that led child welfare to come back into her life. Today, as a family support partner in Jefferson County, Colorado, and a member of the Birth Parent National Network, Miner believes it’s still too hard for parents to be open about their struggles, but she also sees that families do better...
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After the Chat Review & Additional Resources: Talking Tough Topics with Kids
We had our first Parenting with ACEs Group chat a few weeks ago. The full chat transcript is saved online. For those who want highlights only and follow-up from our featured guest, Beth O'Malley, please find the following: Beth O'Malley: Talking Tough Topics as Social Worker, Parent & Adoptee How Lived Experience Can Be a Professional Asset Sharing Our Questions, Issues & Experiences How to Start Having Hard Conversations How to Talk with Teens ACEs as an AHA or Conversation Starter...
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An Open Letter to Teachers
My son and my daughter, like all the children who fill the desks in your classroom, come to school every day prepared to do the best they can and they will give you the opportunity to help them. My children may struggle in ways that frustrate you or in ways that you do not understand. They perceive, process, and express information differently than most people do.
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And Everyone Saw It (Washingtonpost.com)
I know as a parent I feel sick reading stories about sexting in seventh grade. I also feel more informed. How do I offer guidance when I don't feel informed or clear or totally on top of all that happens during screen time when it comes to online sharing and socializing and bullying and harassment. My daughter and I talked about this story on the way to school today. It's not easy or comfortable to talk about sexting, child pornography, peer pressure, cutting, consequences of choices that...
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Anxious Parenting
When my daughter was younger I was anxious. I didn't have full-blown anxiety attacks, as some do. I had an almost constant anxiety motoring within me. It was mixed with dread. Sometimes, it lasted days. Other times weeks. It would come and go. It always returned. When it did, it was hard to read, concentrate or focus. It was hard to eat or sleep or work. It was hard to parent. How I felt in my body scared me and I wanted to be someone else. Anxious time moved slowly. An hour felt like a...
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'Why Is Dad So Mad?' Veteran Writes Book to Explain His PTSD to His Daughter [nbcnews.com]
As he pulls up her colorful blankets and tucks his daughter Raegan in for bed, Retired Army 1st Sgt. Seth Kastle knows that tonight "bedtime" will be a little different. Tonight, Seth will read his daughters "Why Is Dad So Mad?" a book...
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Association of Reports of Childhood Abuse and All-Cause Mortality Rates in Women (www.archpsyc.jamanetwork.com)
Another study about child abuse, early death and I feel motivated and scared as a mom wtih PTSD from childhood ACEs. How about you? I don't want to die early. I feel I've paid quite enough for my childhood and don't wish to pay some more. I don't want to worry. I also want to be healthy, know my risks and figure out what i can do to promote better health. Here's some news from the "Conclusions and Relevance" portion of the JAMA Psychiatry Association of Reports of Childhood Abuse and...
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BBC News: Third of mothers' experience mental health issues
More than a third of mothers have experienced mental health issues related to parenthood, according to an online survey of 1,800 British parents by the BBC Radio 5 live and YouGov. The study revealed that, in comparison, 17% of fathers had experienced similar issues. More than two-thirds of the affected mothers sought professional help - suffering from conditions such as acute stress, severe anxiety and postpartum depression. 'All mums feel like that' Lauren Doyle experienced post-traumatic...
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Behind That Anger is Grief: A Mother-Daughter Relationship
I remember last year on Mother’s Day, I was researching articles about complicated mother-daughter relationships and did not seem to find any that described my experience. What sparked this Google search? All the beautiful messages I saw on social media from daughters to their mothers. These messages described a relationship I did not know of. I wondered why instead of honoring my mom I was very angry at her, this time a type of anger that I could not hide, ruminate in silence as I had done...
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Better Training for Foster Parents Could Have Changed My Life [chronicleofsocialchange.org]
When I was 11 years old, I went to the doctor for a check-up and my whole world stopped. In that one moment, the family I had spent six months becoming a part of decided against adoption. I was removed from my biological mother at just six months, and this was the closest I had ever been to joining a family. One week before a judge made me somebody’s daughter, my almost-parents decided that they did not want “a kid with a baby.” “You’re pregnant!” “What were you thinking?” “There are...
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Beyond Mom: Postpartum depression can impact a partner’s well-being, too [WashingtonPost.com]
Like any expecting couple, Brett Pipitone and his wife, Laura, knew that having a child would upend their daily routine. But no research or planning prepared them for their biggest challenge: postpartum depression. “It was an incredibly stressful situation,” Brett said. After giving birth to their daughter in 2014, Laura found herself “wanting to disappear” and completely disengaged from her surroundings. She’d call Brett at work in tears, and he’d rush home to help. He wound up taking much...
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Cancer as a survivor
Many people use the phrase CPTSD to stand for PTSD from complex trauma. To me, C-PTSD means cancer and PTSD. I have cancer and I’m a trauma survivor. I’m a survivor with cancer but not yet a cancer survivor. Will I be a survivor squared?
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Careful, It's Not Over Yet & Parenting with ACEs & PTSD
Note: Dawn Daum & Joyelle Bran dt are the featured guests on the live chat held in the Parenting with ACEs Group on Tuesday, June 13th at 10 AM PST / 1 PM PST. The topic is Parenting with PTSD & ACEs. Dawn and Joyelle are artists, activists and parents. They met a few years ago and set about creating an online community for parent survivors to working to break the cycle of abuse. Here's a small sample of the work they have done and are doing: Wrote a resource about Parenting as an...
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Childhood Trauma Can Mean Early Death. This California Mom Wants to Beat the Odds [KQED The CA Report]
After a very diff icult upbringing and early adulthood, Sabrina Hanes is doing everything she can to overcome the trauma she experienced and give her daughter, Aroara, the best possible life. (Anne Wernikoff/KQED) . Listen to the full 30 min special report on the CA Report by Laura Klivans and Anne Wernikoff. Such a powerful story of a powerful young woman, Sabrina Hanes, a nd a great and thorough overview of the ACE study told from the story of Sabrina. Also read the accompanying article...
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Children of depressed parents at high risk of adverse experiences in adulthood (sciencedaily.com) - plus commentary
Parents with mood disorders often feel guilty - which is why I hesitated to share this study article. It says: "It has been shown that even highly efficacious prevention programs for previously depressed adolescents were less effective if the parent was depressed. Our previous work has shown that treatment of the depressed parent to remission can reduce the symptoms of depression for both parent and child." This is probably not news. But might it also mean that when we prioritize our health...
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Choked & Soared: Public Speaking about Parenting After Childhood Trauma
I gave a keynote address to over 100 people. I’m not bragging. It was an epic failure. And an epic personal triumph. I traveled alone, spoke in public, met new people and shared meal times with total strangers! I tackled social anxiety, figured out flights, luggage and directions. I went in elevators and walked halls alone, without pepper spray. I searched in closets and under beds for monsters and then was able to fall asleep, and stay asleep, without drinking. Twice. Huge. Enormous.
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Medications for PTSD Tied to Increase Dementia Risk & Commentary / www.mentalhealthexcellence.org
Note: I just saw this article , and it's one alarming and depressing read and super relevant read. Lots of us take these medications and/or have kids, parents, and partners who do as well. Did you know about the increased risk for dementia associated with them? I didn't. To evaluate possible effects, the investigators turned to a nationwide sample of 417,172 US veterans aged 56 years or older who had not been diagnosed with dementia or mild cognitive impairment at baseline in 2003 and for...
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Coping with Incarceration & Sesame Street in Communities Website
I LOVED Sesame Street as a kid and I like it as a parent, too, especially when my daughter was younger. It entertained her and helped me re-parent myself at the same time. I got some serious emotional repair that way and from other kid books and shows. I worry that parents aren't watching as much as kids watch alone on devices and maybe miss out on simple, but not always known, basic and affirming messages about life, emotions and family. It's not like as a parent I'd watch Sesame Street by...
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Dear Laurie (www.cagedmoments.com)
File this under kindness matters only every single time. And for lots of people, most especially, at this time of year. Excerpt from "Dear Laurie" post written by the same Heidi written about in this piece. I came in for a shift one night and she said, “oh” (nonchalant) “I picked up that doll you wanted.” She bought the doll and brought it in. For me. She saw it, knew I was looking for it, and picked it up for me. I was moved. I didn’t have a lot of people in my life. At all. All I did was...
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Death Is Stupid, and Other Lessons Children Teach Us About the Inevitable End (onbeing.org)
I've been struggling with how to talk with my daughter about what happened in Orlando. Another shooting. More death. Hate. She's heard the news. It's been discussed a bit at school too. But how do I talk to her as my own daughter, in between getting ready for school and dance? What can I say to her about homophobia or even what helps people recover? About what headlines and deaths grab our attention and which ones do not? I admit I'm at a loss. I don't have great words or wisdom or even a...
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Divorce During Christmas
My home was flooded just weeks before my divorce was final. The ocean spilled over the sea wall and headed down the street carrying telephone poles, patio furniture and boat parts. It was 2 a.m. and I was in my bedroom with the cat as my daughter was with her father on one of her first overnights. I was knee deep in despair. And fear. The ocean pooled around my stairs, foundations and car. Outside, the flood would take my blue Subaru, dog fence and air conditioner. Inside, it was thr heating...
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Don't Know Any Young Moms With Special Needs Kids? They Probably Unfriended You (www.romper.com)
Excerpts from an article by Hillary Savoie . After a totally uneventful pregnancy, Oscar was born with a rare genetic mutation neither Smith nor her husband carry. He spent the first two months of his life in the NICU due to uncontrolled epilepsy and feeding difficulties before testing revealed his genetic mutation and doctors found medication to manage his seizures. When Oscar was discharged at 2-and-a-half months old, Smith, 33, suddenly found herself staring down life as a millennial...
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Down the Generations (www.bbc.co.uk)
"In a sense, it doesn't matter from a policy point of view, whether bad health is transmitted down the generations through a biological mechanism, a social one or a mixture of both - because we largely already know how to fix it. The good news is that even if you start life with a low stock of health, if you live in a society with good public health, you can, to some extent, build up your stocks as you go along." This BBC radio show shares stories and research which are hopeful, horrible and...
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Early childhood educators learn new ways to spot trauma triggers, build resilience in preschoolers
A hug may be comforting to many children, but for a child who has experienced trauma it may not feel safe.
That’s an example used by Julie Kurtz, co-director of trauma informed practices in early childhood education at the WestEd Center for Child & Family Studies (CCFS), as she begins a trauma training session. Her audience, preschool teachers and staff of the San Francisco-based Wu Yee Children’s Services at San Francisco’s Women’s Building, listen attentively.
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Re: The Friendship Bench Can Help Chase The Blues Away (www.npr.org)
Deborah: That's what I thought of as well. There's a bully bench at my daughter's school and to be honest I didn't think it was a great idea at first. I thought it would make the already vulnerable kids more vulnerable. I couldn't image the courage in going on the bench at all, as a child, to risk that exposure. But I thought, maybe it will be o.k. for extroverts. To my great surprise, my daughter says it is used. Actually used. I admit that stunned me. But even for the kids who don't use...
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Re: How to Become a Compassionate Parent
Svava: This brought a tear to my eye. Thank you for being so honest and hopeful. It must have been painful to hear you weren't there for your daughter, but it sounds like you got a chance to re-parent her in the way you were able to respond. That's so hopeful and realistic because parenting is hard and we often don't know what we don't or didn't know, til later. But it is not too late. Thank you for this. I'm sharing on Facebook, too. Cissy
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Re: Parenting after ACEs: Small Changes & Huge Differences (www.healwritenow.com)
Bravo and thank you, Cissy, for this wonderful piece. So much wisdom being offered through your vulnerability and amazing writing. The whole concept of changing things changes things - YES. And teaching your daughter to not just listen to but communicate with her body - brilliant. And saying trauma therapy should start with attachment - critical advice for sure. Every time I read your writing - I want more! Here's to lots of stay-cations for you. Warm Regards, Donna
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Re: Cannitta’s Story: Surviving, Not Living (www.lsnj.org)
Thank you for sharing this. I am not going to watch just before I go to sleep. I am so blessed to have that option. To not watch this video. So many people who “live” this video are not living. Chronic trauma is just breathing enough to stay alive. Never getting a full breath. I think that is part of the reason so many people in poverty have asthma. That and mold infested apartments. So I will watch this in the morning, so I can “sleep well.” And I will say prayers that this mom, and you and...