I think this is a great fundamental question to raise and can see both sides of the discussion. Hope I’m adding rather than detracting to this conversation!
Brevity has never been my forte…!
Our brains endeavor to make sense of what has happened to us. It’s a natural human drive. Some of us will seek very detailed analysis, some won’t. I believe as one gets older there is more seeking of the ‘truth’ as one has more time to reflect than act or react.
Naturally most people on this website have thought about such questions, and it can seem like the trauma analysis, etc does indeed go on and on without solution/resolution.
But until everyone has a deeper understanding of the trauma people may have endured – and I think we’re still a long way off, in terms of mainstream and even most therapists themselves, then this part of the story, the evolution of understanding trauma, if you like, is still in its infancy. The current research is demonstrating just how complex our oh so important organ, the brain, is. I really engage with the brain research imparted to laypeople. Does it help? Somewhat, but of course it is only part of the answer, fascinating as it is. But it’s also one of the main drivers of understanding TIC. Hope there’s no contradiction here.
So I agree with Jane, in that parents need more than resilience skills ‘thrown at them’ (my words), if they’ve come from dysfunctional families, especially intergenerational ones, that on the surface seem appropriate to use, only to find down the track these people simply cannot sustain the ‘superficiality’ of the skills ‘taught’ without further knowledge/deeper understanding. One needs to be taught the skill of objectivity, once there is further grasp of what’s actually been going on. In my experience most people love to learn such things. Because at last their experiences are making sense to them, as never before. ACEs etc also does that.
One has to go to the SOURCE, I think. For how long and how deep the understanding is up to the individual. But life throws some curved balls, and if you haven’t ‘properly’ understood what has happened to you, then you will repeat it in SOME form. – Whether on yourself or others.
So to say it is up to individuals to seek help in healing is a little more complex, unfortunately. Of course it is, BUT how much understanding and expertise the therapist has is crucial. I have found there is truly a superficial understanding from many. This could be because of the time constraint as much as other factors. There has been a discussion on vicarious trauma. Who wants to risk that? Etc etc.
Thanks to what could be viewed as an ‘indulgent’ website on narcissism, I’m quite fascinated how this guy has honed in on the fine details of growing up with narcissists, for example. And all the abuse that can occur with it – sexual, physical etc etc. I’ve had so many aha moments from his insight. Yet it is a guilty secret pleasure (well it was secret until I'm telling you). Surely I’ve got over it by now. But the abuse can be so very insidious, and as said earlier, if you encounter it again in later in life, which the chances are you will, as you’ve been trained to accept such abuse, you need to understand it on a deeper level. I consider myself reasonably intelligent, yet the emotional acceptance on an intellectual level is not fully embedded. The scars of toxic stress and shame are so very deep that I wonder if any therapist can get through, unless they do something radically different. And it’s not ‘stubborness’! It doesn't help that narcs are so good at showing such a different face to the world, which then means it looks as if you're the one lying or exaggerating to the extreme and therefore the problem resides in you...!
I was trained to accept abuse, even though as a teenager and beyond I fought it with the energy and understanding I could, yet I ‘stupidly’ believed that she must love me underneath it all. A counselor once barked, “Of course your mother loved you!” But the sad fact is she couldn’t, nor could my father, also a narcissist, that’s why they couldn’t be together. I know now yes, it happened, yes they were that bad. And yes, they had very difficult childhoods too. BUT… You have to have experienced genuine malignant narcissists to even begin to understand them. They're usually of reasonably high intelligence, though not always.
The younger one is arriving at the bigger picture understanding, the better skilled they are in dealing with it. Not wasting their lives in nebulous suffering that so often has occurred in the past. The ‘truth’ as much as it can be has been unveiled or understood. Thanks to the web, etc there is more understanding and sharing. I am in no way advocating wallowing. I am advocating fully understanding what you experienced, and why, and then taking positive steps forward. Initiating what is called resilience, but I prefer the term ‘bouncing back’, as you’ve had to learn what resilience skills look like in the context of prior trauma experiences. They then have decades to embrace the understanding in order to be able to be more fully resilient. Will this make them better, more conscious/cognizant and conscientious parents? I think chances are, yes.
A child comes into the world ‘believing’ that they will be loved. Ie have their needs taken care of. Society tells you it is so. Mother’s and Father’s Day Hallmark cards tell you what wonderful people they have been to you, as did a good Christian neighbour I believed… Those that go non contact as early as possible have the best chances in life, in these situations I believe. Yet all around me, they were telling me to stick at it.
Bad bad ignorant advice. I think such advice is slowly changing.
As an aside, I had to endure the abuse by myself, my codependent sister much older than me, without any other siblings and/or witnesses, so I believe the impact is greater in these circumstances. Another ACE?!!
So when I stumbled on the ACE and resilience score I found a far better explanation than I had found prior to this, together with the brain research, etc.
So, briefly summarizing (!), yes, resilience is absolutely crucial, but not until trauma is understood in a more holistic way than it has been. Trauma is deep and complex. And every individual is different having experienced individual circumstances. Hence healing by therapists is not by any means, an easy task.
And yes, unfortunately, some clients may die, Peter. Better to die, trying to heal, I think. Or as Midnight Oil, an Australian rock band sang in their lyrics: "It's better to die on your feet, than live on your knees"...