It is a common experience. And it makes it hard to figure out who you really are. If we look at the research about healing there are several things that stand out for people exposed to adverse experiences. They are all ways of taking care of yourself.
- This is not who you are, this is what you are experiencing. In order to grow from the adversity, (which is possible) this is critical. Easier said than done, but it creates a window for healing.
- A support network. Dr. Perry's work really demonstrates that the bigger the helpful network of support, the better the outcomes. Most of the kids he works with do continue to experience adversity. The support network makes the difference. Feeling felt and heard is healing.
- Regular exercise. This is good for all of us but particularly helpful for people exposed to trauma.
- Mindfulness practices. This also helps with bullet #1 and is can be difficult for people who have experienced trauma. Slowing the thoughts down, often allows other strong feelings to arise - and many are painful. So starting with support and in tiny bite sized pieces and very short time periods can be helpful.
- A good trauma-informed therapist (helps with bullet #1). Not everyone has access to this.
- Patience... and the understanding that adverse experiences don't go away. You will always be triggered...but it will shift. You will be able to recover more quickly and recognized that is not who you are, but something you experience. With it will come a deep sense of empathy and compassion for yourself and the human experience.
- Recognize the gift. People who grew up and experience adversity have a set of skills that can be really useful. They are often particularly sensitive to non verbal communication (they relied on it for years for safety). As they manage their own pain, they are often able to hold space when someone is in pain, they don't need to fix, or brush over bad things. They understand that being present with someone else's pain won't hurt them, and it is one of the biggest gifts of presence you can give to another human being.