I teach Parenting and Anger Management to inmates and have found that part of the problem with the entire societal system is that the word 'violence' creates a misunderstanding of the problem. I teach my students that the violence is only a small part of the overall problem. The overall predictable pattern of abuse is what needs to be recognized. I have found that discussing a list of controlling personality behavior patterns is extremely effective in reducing the reluctance of offenders to say 'that ain't me'. Everyone will identify with a few things on the list but when every point hits home, that truth is hard to deny. Interestingly, I also teach court ordered classes on the 'outs' and find that my inmate students are easier to convince than the students I teach in the other classes.
The lifelong effects of ACEs are important to highlight as many perpetrators have not previously connected the dots as to the harm that they are causing as well as the harm that was caused to them predominately as children. Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris's TEDtalk turns into a very powerful show-stopper to drive home important points of the ACE effects.
The really difficult reality is that many people can be the abused in one relationship then turn around and be the abuser in the next relationship or there can also be co-combatants in one relationship. It is also important to highlight that abuse is not limited to romantic relationships: friends can be abusers, parents, grown children or siblings can be abusers as well as women. In a 2010 study from the CDC reviewing 18,000 calls placed to DV hotlines, 53% of the calls were placed by men.
Another issue that comes up repeatedly is that many people have no clue what a healthy relationship is suppose to look like. Many define controlling behaviors as love.