We have a mainstream directive for raising children in our society: You provide them with support, shelter and care until they’re 18, and then they’re supposed to be, more or less, self-sufficient, launched into the world as adults. This framework leaves out millions of parents whose children struggle with substance abuse or mental illness, who may be providing active care to their adult children for the rest of their lives.
A new book, “Difficult: Mothering Challenging Adult Children through Conflict and Change,” by Judith R. Smith, an associate professor at the Graduate School of Social Service at Fordham, seeks to define and explore this often painful type of parenting. An estimated 8.4 million Americans care for “an adult with an emotional or mental health issue,” according to a 2016 report from the National Alliance for Caregiving, and 45 percent of mental health caregivers are caring for an adult child.
For “Difficult,” Smith writes, she spoke to 50 mothers of adult children who were not fully independent, who had issues from severe mental illness to persistent unemployment. All of these mothers were over 60, and many were also dealing with their own declining physical and emotional health. Smith writes that half the women she spoke to were doing this with incomes under $17,000 a year for a family of two.
“My research revealed that a mother’s internalized mandate to protect her child does not end when her children are grown,” Smith writes, and she outlines the stigma and worry they feel about their children’s problems. She seeks to lessen this stigma for parents, more and more of whom will be in the same situation as her book’s subjects in the coming years, with young adults increasingly reporting mental health issues, particularly during the pandemic, and the opioid crisis continuing to take lives.
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