For me, resiliency is in part innate. I don't think we can teach resilience. Through love and connection we can most certainly nurture it.
A key piece of resiliency is connection with others. I look back at all that I have endured in my life and wonder what made me keep getting back up. Why did I become more tenacious each time life and family knocked me down?
For me, what kept me going was being out in the world connecting with people throughout the day. It made me feel part of something bigger. It made me see that life wasn't "all about me and my woes". These connections were brief and without agenda. Simply two human beings sharing a moment. Those moments filled my then empty soul.
Relationships with family and friends did not foster resilience, they were toxic and they emptied my soul. Like a recovering addict who must rid themselves of people, places and things pre-recovery; someone experiencing healing must often do the same.
Now, here's the irony. Many of us who have experienced chronic toxic stress in childhood have that belief of "I am alone". The thought of breaking ties with people, even toxic ones, is really frightening. The fear of abandonment is stronger than the fear of losing yourself in someone else's dysfunction. ACE 's often get in the way of developing a sense of self. Losing something you don't have is safer than losing something you do have, even if you'd be better off without.
Personally, I have eliminated all toxic people from my environment. The problem here is that there is no one left but me. I've also started a new career which I 've let keep me isolated by working from home. I decided to test my theory on the correlation between connection and resilience.
Will my resilience crumble without connection?
It's been 7 months now and I'd say yes my resistance is lessening. If I am to be truly honest, working as a solo-preneur from home is the greatest struggle I have ever faced.
What strengthened my resilience in the past?
Being out in the world, outside those 4 walls I could be "me" . I felt that oneness with the world when I was not at home. I felt like I was part of something bigger than my very small world.
Since I started working from home I have seen the "real me" get lost in old beliefs and those same 4 walls. My resilience is not as strong as it was because it's not being fueled by connection with others.
Why tell you all this?
Here is why. I spent almost 15 years visiting welfare moms in their homes in the "hood". Many of these women have significant ACE's scores. I have been "called" to help them move beyond the story of their past. Because of this, I look at each step of my healing and what will be valuable to share with them. Until I physically entered their world I wasn't able to fully grasp the enormity, yet simplicity, of the core issues that keep these women "stuck" in life. One of them is isolation. It's having too much time to be in "your head" strengthing old self- beliefs. It's the lessening of resilience.
My experience with working at home has really let me "walk in their shoes". Without evidence that I am not alone in this world, it is a constant battle to challenge and dispel that old belief. The struggles I am facing now will become a gift once I uncover a viable solution to the problem of isolation.
Here's what sticks with me , if my resilience is fading with the isolation of being home alone in a nice, clean, roach free environment; how quickly would it fade if I if I was at home all day in some run down, dingy row home or room in a neighborhood that was equally as depressing. I'd feel trapped, depressed and hopeless in my head and my non-stimulating environment.
When my loneliness gets unbearable I can hop in my car and drive anywhere I want to see new places. What if my exposure to the world was confined to a SEPTA route?
Here's the point. From what I've learned from the experiences of myself and others, Resiliency cannot fully be realized in the face of social isolation. Poverty increases social isolation.
The work being done to make communities trauma informed is a step in the right direction. What exactly does trauma informed look like? Will it work on the solving the problem or is it simply first making communities aware of the problem?
A quick story as I close. Before I started my healing journey I had this very random vision: a community center in the "hood" where people could come to focus on Mind, Body, Spirit and socializing. A place strictly for healing and growth of the person within.
About a year or so later I took a drive up to Bucks county. I saw a pretty walking trail by the Delaware River. I stopped to walk a bit despite being dressed in jeans and heels. It was quite peaceful. While walking through the fields of lilac I saw a stand for Kayak rentals. Now, I had never kayaked before but for some reason I felt compelled to give it a go! I rented a kayak, hopped in and started paddling down the Delaware River. A woman in her 70's kayaked up to me. I hadn't seen her on the river, it was as if she appeared out of thin air! We talked for a bit and then she paddled off. When she was a few kayak lengths in front of me she turned back to look at me and shouted something.
Do you remember earlier when I said I had a vision?
I’m going to leave you perplexed the way that woman left me. Here is what we yelled to me …
" My name is Sister Mary and you shall have that community center and it will help heal the hurting"
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