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Parenting with PACEs. PACEs science & stories. Trauma-informed change.

Parenting with ACEs Resources: Power Sharing & Sharing Powerfully

 

Sharing as a trauma survivor, parent (via adoption), writer, and advocate, I'm going to detail what I find crucial in any program or perspective geared towards those currently parenting with ACEs. 

Most important, is that any program be survivor and peer-led (or co-led). If that's the only change done, it's a good one. Who shares content, and how, is as important as the content being shared.

So often, programs to parents are patronizing, punitive, and can come across as "edupuking" all over people, though meant to be helpful. It's can be like hearing advice on menstrual cramps or hot flashes from men, nutrition tips and weight loss advice from someone who has never struggled with weight, or money talk from someone who has never been poor. It's simply not as effective and much harder to listen to, take in, and engage with than getting the same content from someone who gets it, has been there, and has maybe figured some stuff out that are still a challenge for the listener.

Robin S

Who delivers content and how is a HUGE aspect that isn't addressed enough, in my opinion. To me, If talking and working with parents with lots of ACEs, get content and training and workshops led by parents with lots of ACEs as often as possible, and if that's not possible, work content in from those groups doing that parent and survivor-led work. Why does this matter so much? It makes the content and environment safer, accessible, and relevant. it safer and more gentle for the listener and eliminates much of the awkwardness, judgement, and language problems when we're talking in us vs. them tones rather than as, to, and about us and we.

I think if we are learning together as peers, it helps. We've all had teachers who aren't parents giving parent advice. And it's as welcome as parents who aren't teachers giving teaching advice.

When asking people to think about, share, consider and reconsider parenting styles and approaches, the impact of early trauma and ACEs, safety and power sharing are not optional. Parent trauma survivors, like trauma survivors in general, are often re-traumatized by policies, programs, and systems that may be meant to help. Meant to help and actually helping are not the same. And for trauma survivor parents who also deal with racism, classism, homophobia, ableism, there are legit and well-documented reasons to have fear or mistrust of systems, policies and programs. I think this has to be acknowledged and addressed early and often - and often it's not done at all.

Father abernathy

Just as we now know that kids in classrooms we used to say were difficult or disruptive or non-compliant were actually in overwhelm or not regulated, that's often the case as well for many parents. However, even in the ACEs and trauma-informed movement, many parents are harshly judged and poorly understood, as if we forget, as Rebecca Lewis Pankratz says, that many parents with ACEs are just kids with ACEs who grew up. 

We have to make sure we understand that little or no regulation as a kid, and living in survival mode offers unique challenges to parents that those without ACEs or who haven't lived in survival mode don't share.

It's not just that peer and survivor-led is more compassionate, it's likely to be far more effective and less likely to cause more harm.

Specifically, I think these people/programs/orgs are great:

I know there are lots of programs and tools many professionals use such as Near@home, but in this post, I want to share what I have used and shared parent to parent, survivor to survivor, as someone with 8 ACEs talking to others with lots of ACEs.

rebecca

Personally, I found all I learned about attachment as an adoptive parent-to-be was far more healing to my own complex PTSD, than more than a decade plus of evidence-based therapy for PTSD. I wish this information were shared earlier and more regularly with trauma survivors. So often, we show what goes wrong in the body and the brain when there's lots of trauma and ACEs. However, we also need to show what goes right in the body and the brain when there's no ACEs. It's not intuitive information and for some of us parents, learning that 1 in 3 people have no ACEs is far more shocking than learning than 2 out of 3 have at least one ACE.

Depending on what we experienced in our lives, as children and adults, as well as lots of other other factors, will shape how we learn about ACEs and ACEs science. For me, understanding child development, and how it differs when there is or is not war, trauma, poverty, ACEs, oppression, family or community support, and how each and all of these when combined create a cumulative impact was a game-changer for me in my understanding of my own parents, childhood, and helped me get some distance from intense and personal experiences because I saw a much wider context.

Lou

There's so much room for so much more and exciting that so many people care about parents with ACEs and about parenting with ACEs.

I hope others share about approaches, perspectives, policies, programs and people you admire so we can all keep learning. 

Cissy

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  • Robin S: Artwork 'Wishing Tree' & favorite quote of Robin Saenger of Peace4Tarpon
  • Father abernathy: Father Paul Abernathy on Trauma-Informed Community Development
  • rebecca: Rebecca Lewis-Pankratz
  • Lou

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