"Proper” goodbyes are a ritual of the past — for now. As Americans mourn their dead, families like Maddox's, with the help of funeral directors and clergy, are rewriting the norms of farewells because of stay-at-home orders, social distancing and travel restrictions.
That's a good thing, according to David Kessler, 61, an author and expert on grief and healing. He says don't delay the rituals, even if the restrictions triggered by the pandemic mean that traditions must be modified. “If your loved one died today, this is your moment to grieve. This is your month to grieve,” he says. “You can always have another physical get-together later."
Psychologist Alan Wolfelt, 65, who founded the Center for Loss & Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado, agrees that people who have lost someone to COVID-19 or any other cause should consider a small ceremony now and a larger gathering later. “Anything that delays a funeral delays the natural mourning process,” he says. “It's better to do something than nothing."
Now mourners are taking part virtually in visitations, funeral services and burials. Families use video or audio streaming and video chats in an effort to enable some participation by those who want to grieve together.
Now they stream funeral services on Facebook Live, if requested, to keep the crowd to 10 or fewer people, standing apart from one another.
Burials are changing, too. Up to nine mourners and an officiant stand near the grave, and others in the cemetery stay in their vehicles and watch video on FaceTime or listen to audio on Bluetooth.
But new traditions have emerged, too. Baskets appear on front porches so that friends can leave behind condolence cards without meeting face-to-face, McBrayer says.
And, in a twist on the post-funeral repast, one family paid tribute to their fallen patriarch by holding separate cookouts and chatting on FaceTime. “They laughed that he wasn't the best griller, but he loved hot dogs and hamburgers,” she says, so that's exactly what was on the menu.
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