My parenting was not ideal yesterday. I'd slept three hours and had a condo deal fall through days before closing. My house will still sell so I don't know where we'll be living in a few weeks.
This is high stress.
I was distracted, on the phone over 50 times with real estate people, the bank, attorneys, friends, town hall and rental places. Not fun.
I cried a little but mostly felt an overwhelmed shutdown, the kind that comes with terrible thoughts. Like when the realtor says, "This has never happened in 15 years" and I think, "It's because of me. I did this. I am stupid and attract deceit (or blah, blah, blah)."
And still I am a single mother and need to parent.
This was true even when the old familiar default came yesterday. When I broke the bad news to my daughter and had to share that we weren't going to get paint after all for walls we wouldn't be decorating, I was still pissed off and upset and reeling.
I was not as convincing or present or soothing or comforting about why the insurance of the owners being canceled had such a great impact on us, condo fees and the move that wouldn't be and the jarring change for her.
I felt guilty, ashamed and like a bad mom as well for not preventing a deal gone bad - even though it was out of my control. I wasn't horrible. I was mediocre and dialing it in. She deserved more.
I was not my best which is hard to admit. Still I will. Here's why.
What is different and why I'm writing today, is that I could not get my brain out of a loop immediately yesterday. I wanted to. I tried. I couldn't - not on my own - not instantaneously.
But I could, eventually, before bed with guided imagery. I Googled 'You Tube' Guided Imagery and said Tara Brach and Belleruth Naparstek til I find one I liked.
I couldn't stop my inner negative voice but I could tune into something else. I couldn't pull up calm or warmth or gentleness but I could listen to someone else. I allowed myself to be guided and driven and 'live in' a safer, happier and more calm moment, image and part of my brain.
And IT HELPED!!!
I was able to drift into sleep and stay asleep. I woke up with all the same worries about where we will go, if and how we'll get the deposit back and a long list of calls, documents and things to sort through.
But I connected with myself and then my kid.
We made a plan to get fancy bath soap and mashed potatoes and iced coffee. We made a plan to get sushi and ice cream and gather ourselves and adjust.
I was able to let my friends be there - listening and supportive. I could feel the relief of having a partner who took the day off to field calls with me and who brought breakfast and coffee and hugs. It didn't help me instantly or right away yesterday but I FELT the appreciation today and could tell him.
Today I feel o.k. and it's in part because of those acts of love. And for connecting with myself and my kid. I can't control life events and I may always try despite that knowledge.
But my survivor friends loved me up this morning online and I went to guided imagery to feed me. The people I couldn't meet yesterday sent loving thoughts. My mother gave me endless practical guidance and it was welcome and appreciated and I was able to allow it which can be hard for me. My sister and friends and partner and mom offered a place to live. It's not fun. But it will be o.k.
We are o.k. even in a stressful situation. I know that at least in some moments and that - for this someone - with post-traumatic stress is proof of healing!
I'm grateful for guided imagery and the way it helps me change the fear channel when I just can't on my own. And to my friends and loved ones and partner for helping me return to myself.
So I can return to them when I'm present.
So I can return to myself.
So I can be the mother I want to be and the one my mother daughter deserves. I can be that again without beating myself up for not being it from the get go though I wish I was.
So praise guided imagery and teachers and healers. Here are two I use most:
- Tara Brach's You Tube talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdviZ2lSxfc
- Belleruth Naparstek: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyyd4MOI_R8
Now, back to work and stress and joy and calls because always life really does go on.
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