I have a friend going through a rough patch. She was physically sick with a back to back virus which is no fun for anyone but brutal for a single mother with young children.
She got herself and the kids bundled up and out for a full fall day on Saturday and Sunday left her utterly depleted and unable to do much of anything.
So she was now not only sick and exhausted but deflated and feeling guilty for not being a better mom, for her kids having a boring day, for not being more fun or active.
Is this what all parents feel when they are sick and the kids are stuck at home, safe but bored? Do parents with a history of ACEs struggle more?
The truth is I don't know that answer.
For much of my parenting I've had a best friend Mom mentor. She was 12 years older than me and so her three kids had already been through most anything I was facing. I called her all the time.
And so often, like this weekend, I find myself repeating what she shared with me with other moms, who like me, are filled with uncertainty about parenting.
These are the nuggets:
- You are allowed to rest.
- You can be a good mother even if you don't entertain your child every second.
- You need to be a rock but that does not mean you are 100% in service and should ignore all your own needs.
- Your child will not die of boredom. In fact, boredom is good for your child.
- You are doing your child a favor if they see you reading or having a cup of tea with a neighbor or taking care of yourself when sick.
She'd have to tell me these things over and over and I'd be like, "I don't have to feel wrong, bad or guilty?" She'd have to tell me how much her kid did or didn't watch t.v. or what a normal amount of teen time in the bedroom might be. She'd talk it through with me my unofficial mother mentor and I'd be reminded, "Oh yeah, I loved seeing my mother read on the couch after work." I'd think, "I love the way my mother devoured books before bed even when she was busy."
I was basically begging my friend to take care of herself trying to give her permission slips to make sandwiches for dinner or eat frozen pizza without apology. I was telling her to stay in her pj's and even if she couldn't color or craft or cook she was still a worthwhile human being.
She didn't have someone to take over and nurture her. No one could step in and I had to remind her she is not failing at parenting this day because she is not, like the day before, directing activities.
I struggled with that too.
I told her taking care of herself is not selfish and that it is, in fact, good mothering. Her kids will be sick and need to learn that adults do self-care because adults are not children and they might have help and support but they also take care of themselves.
How did it get that we feel so useless or worthless or uncertain if we aren't in "on all the time" parent mode?
I think that for adults who parent and have had been neglected, we don't always know what's normal, healthy and allowed.
We know what a bad parent is but not necessarily what a good parent is. That's the thing we don't get a job description for and so we keep trying, doing and working at what we don't want.
We don't know how to stop, rest and be.
To allow our own selves to be sick, tired or vulnerable and to see that is not a flaw or a failure or something we must make amends for. It just means we are 100% human.
Is it because some parents maybe don't know they have a right to exist and that even when they are not doing something pro-active (parenting, work, working out), that they (we) have a right to just be? To breathe. To self-nurture.
Or is it in the culture and all parents feel this?
I don't know.
Is this just a parent thing or a parenting with ACEs thing or both? What do you think?
Comments (0)