I think there are a lot of resources that can help parents who are parenting with ACEs. Two books offering a lot of very practical support are both older classics--
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Faber & Mazlish)
and
Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Thomas Gordon
Both these books contain information and practical examples that can help parents become more resourced for responding constructively in moments or situations that are likely to be challenging. Having concrete examples for how TO respond when your child speaks in a way that sounds disrespectful or defiant, for example, gives a parent options in triggering situations. Having options or alternatives to your automatic reactions doesn't mean you will reliably access those options each time, but it means that you are resourced rather than completely at a loss for what TO do or say. This is very different than simply knowing what NOT to do/say but unclear about what else might be possible when faced with something upsetting or provocative.
These books are about improving communication by understanding it differently and responding differently. They identify some of the unintended problems with many of our habitual or automatic responses, and give examples to illustrate how many routine responses are unintentionally negating or invalidating. They also identify how our own discomfort can drive some of our responses (like reasoning/debating, or giving advice) which is something we can shift once we bring that discomfort into awareness. Then we have the possibility of not trying to talk our child out of his/her unhappiness or frustration, because it no longer feels so much like an intolerable problem we need to fix or solve!
Tom Gordon's book P.E.T. also describes how to think in terms of "who owns the problem" in a given situation, and how to choose a response based on that answer. This means you will respond differently and initiate discussion differently depending on whether YOU own the problem or your CHILD owns the problem. Simply being able to recognize that the other person is the one who owns the problem in this discussion can liberate us from inadvertently responding to complaints (etc.) in ways that don't help at all!
Gordon also explains the concepts of "I messages" versus "you messages" and identifies how to speak without blaming, shaming, criticizing or accusing when establishing a boundary, or when you wish to address something with your child. He also explains how to utilize "active listening" (rather than debate, reasoning, giving advice) when you recognize that your child owns the problem.
I think being resourced for HOW to respond to a child's negativity makes a significant difference in the parent-child relationship and in how things tend to unfold in your interactions. It goes a long way to helping to avoid the types of automatic responses that reliably and predictably tend to escalate situations and alienate people. This can make a huge difference in your experience of "parenting." It makes a big difference in navigating conflict in any relationship, and it makes people's feelings seem more dealable. Whatever they might be, they increasingly seem like something we can acknowledge & accept, rather than something to resist, avoid or fix. Because we are better resourced!!
Awareness of this sort also can help inform a parent's awareness of what has happened when things DO escalate or take a destructive/alienating turn, which means that a parent is better able to take clear responsibility and to repair the rupture at those times. (Rather than feeling bad but not really having an idea of what to do.)
It has been years since I have looked at either book but I think they are solid resources.