When people hear about the mental and physical health risks of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and toxic stress, one of the first questions is, “What do we do about this?” Awareness of the prevalence of adversity and the impact of stress on the brain and body leads to the possibility for prevention and response. Whether you are acting within a family, agency, organization, business or community, the next steps should be taken knowing that we will all work together to bring about change. Creating collaboration begins with creating a felt sense of safety, trust, and connectedness. But, how do we create safety that can lead to trust and connection?
It begins within each one of us. The cornerstone of creating safety is the ability for all people involved to engage in self-reflection and regulation. We cannot create safety until we can reflect on our own thoughts, emotions and physical reactions, and we are willing and able to regulate our bodies and brains to come to a place of focus or calm. Bruce Perry supports this when he says: We need to be able to foster Regulation of ourselves and others to build positive Relationships before we can begin to teach and use Reason to solve problems.
Agencies and schools engaging in the process to become Trauma Informed should initially spend time building a safe, caring environment for their staff as well as clients, students or customers. When I train and consult with agencies and schools, we begin by focusing and learning about reflection and self-awareness; this is an introspective experience exploring emotions, self-talk, body sensations, and what we say and do in different life experiences. Becoming aware of self and reflecting on whether we are instinctively reacting to our experiences or able to thoughtfully respond sets us up to learn how to regulate our body systems when needed. The regulation discussions and activities include experiencing different kinds of strategies and techniques to discover what works best for each individual, then learning how to routinely use those techniques both in-the-moment and as preventative resources to shift energy and emotions when needed. This sharing of knowledge, activities and experiences will increase the ability of most people to have the self-reflection and regulation skills necessary to foster an emotionally and physically safe environment.
When other people are overwhelmed by emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not to join the chaos. – LR Knost
Once we are able to look inward and regulate in most circumstances, we can begin to build safety and connection with others by attuning and responding to their emotions and needs. I use a series of steps to support attunement with others. It begins with using self-reflection, moves to noticing what someone else may be experiencing and then naming and validating their emotion. The most vital piece of this attunement process is our ability to validate the emotion regardless of the behaviors we may be seeing. We should first validate the emotion before trying to solve the problem. How often have you wanted someone to listen, and not fix something, but to just say, “Wow, it makes sense that you feel ____.” With validation comes connection; a knowing that we truly see, hear and understand each other.
Remember: Reactive people are not giving you a hard time; reactive people are having a hard time. --Cheryl Step
Awareness of the impact trauma and stress has on our brains and bodies along with awareness of self and others, shifts our perspective when interacting. This shift leads to more understanding, compassion, trust and connection.
Trust will grow as we and others stumble together into the tentative, fluid process of attunement with one another that supports the awakening of our inherent wisdom and health.
― Bonnie Badenoch
Our next step in the process increases our ability to respond in a way that meets the needs behind the emotions and behaviors. We may co-regulate with someone using breathwork or movement; we may build connection by simply having a conversation or sharing their space quietly. Deciding upon the response takes knowledge and understanding of the needs driving emotions or fear, being attuned, and knowing several regulation and connection strategies to use in different circumstances. We should thoughtfully respond and meet needs rather than instinctively react to a behavior. Our response should create further safety, trust and connection.
Beneath every behavior there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom. --Ashleigh Warner
Self-reflection and regulation, attunement, and response set the groundwork to create safe, trusting, connected environments that allow people to thrive. These concepts and responses need to be embedded in all interactions within the individual, within the family unit, within organizations and within the community. When these concepts are ingrained in our culture, they are like roots that nourish future growth, collaboration and empowerment. This allows us to increase skills and capabilities to further strengthen our relationships and enhance personal growth. The first steps to making a difference in the lives of children, families, adults, co-workers and community members lies in our ability to be aware of ourselves and others and to respond in a way that creates acceptance and belonging through safety, trust and connection.
Our positive interactions will have a ripple effect on the world. --Cheryl Step
For more information about my training and consulting, visit creatingresilience.org.
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