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Settling In While Feeling Unsettled

 

How quickly the outside world has influenced our inner world and changed our thoughts, patterns, and triggers.  Life is definitely coming in waves.  We feel a sense of safety if we can be in a healthy home, fear and worry if we have to venture out for food,  calm returns after we practice something that soothes and regulates us, and anxiety builds when we hear news and the impact the virus has on the whole world.  We are beginning to expect and accept many unpredictable and unknown circumstances.

Where will the next hot spots emerge? When will this peak and subside? How will things change as we are released from shelter in place? How will this change the global economy? What medicines are helpful? What is the timeline for accurate widespread testing and vaccines?

We seem to be consistently receiving inconsistent information. It is becoming a pattern, and we are settling in while we feel unsettled.

An email from a friend who lives outside Detroit and is in the epicenter of illness and death sent me into my latest downward spiral of unsettled feelings.  I felt her despair and overwhelming sense of loss of control in my own gut.  I understand research about the vagal nerve and how triggers can make my body react even when I want to desperately have control over those emotions and keep them tamped down.  I know I need to practice compassionate empathy and not distress empathy which creates vicarious trauma.  I breathed; I sat with my anxiety; I went on a walk; I used top down regulation and planned a video I could make to help her staff.  But, when I think of her, my gut still reacts, even as I write about this now.  Such are the waves we are all riding right now.  Sometimes we will be able to surf; other times we may crash and feel the tumultuous water throw us around.  We are settling in to the rhythm of riding the wave, crashing, and getting back up on the board to ride again.

Many people are spreading information to help us focus on controlling what we can as we all feel the pervasive lack of control created by coronavirus.  Having some sort of routine that includes self-awareness, self-care, movement, and connection definitely helps keep our fear response manageable most of the time. Letting go of some responsibilities as we prioritize our time and allowing and forgiving ourselves and others for non-productive moments or days or not always “holding it together” builds compassion. Bessel van der Kolk recently said, “An important part of dealing with potential trauma is to live with the inner sense that every moment is different from the next.”*  These concepts build our ability to surf strong and persistent waves of stress.

But, while the virus lingers, our thoughts and reactions are beginning to be formed around the continual threat of infection.  TV commercials that were obviously created before the virus show people at parties, people eating in restaurants in close proximity to other tables, people interacting with crowds; even these images can spark an alarm.  We have already ingrained Covid19 guidelines into our thoughts so much that seeing actors not displaying social distancing is quickly recognized as “not okay.”  Because our fear reactions in our brains and bodies bind memories with danger, we are beginning to link being around strangers (in what was a typical day) to a spectrum of emotions ranging from unease to terror depending on the impact the virus has had on our own life.  This is evident when we return home from a trip to the grocery store and it takes several minutes or hours or re-telling of the trip feel calm again. We are unsettled, and it is becoming part of the pattern that will change how we react or respond to being in spaces with other people.  

This is especially conflicting within us because research confirms that one of the most calming strategies is connection with others.  So, we know that to be around others and share spaces, conversation and energy is soothing; but now, it can also feel dangerous. We crave the connection and yet our inner fear reaction may push us away from that comfort. Thus, the pattern of calming moments between a wave crashing may persist even after we are released from shelter in place.

We need to continue to navigate these waters.  Within the cadence of waves, our reassurance and hope lie here:

  • Lengthen the calm connection between the waves of stress. We have to recognize which connections within our own body and with other people make us feel emotionally and physically safe. Adhere to the boundaries that make you feel secure, and allow moments to foster those connections throughout your day. It is better to learn how to tread water during the calm than during the crash of a wave.
  • Surf the waves to the best of your ability. Strengthen your proficiency to bring yourself back to a state of effective response through self-awareness and self-care. Take the time to try new regulation ideas to meet this unprecedented need. Give compassion to yourself and others when waves come crashing down because we are all falling and starting over repeatedly.
  • If the waves are too frequent or too strong, keep your head above water and hang onto your surfboard--someone or something that can be a safe supporter. Accept a helping hand; we will all need to rely on the grace of others. Both the giver and receiver of comfort feel uplifted.

We may feel isolated in our homes, but we are connected through these similar experiences. The waves of stress may lessen or build intermittently; recognize this is a pattern being felt around the globe.  Know that you are not alone as we all settle in while feeling unsettled.

Written by:   Cheryl Step, MS, LPC, NCC, NCSC                                                                  Creating Resilience, LLC                                                                                                                                                                                                  

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