[NOTE: This article was the result of an interview that I did with Jen Kunka of Northern Rockies Institute of Theology, a ministry of the Montana Synod ELCA, shared with permission]
For Parents and Caregivers:
When Pastor JP Carlson drove four middle school students to confirmation camp at Christikon this summer, he noticed something. It was obvious how much they had missed being with kids their own age. “They instantly lit up in the car and were so excited. The chatter never stopped,” he said.
Carlson is Director of Youth and Family Ministry at Christ the King in Bozeman. He said many kids can’t articulate how much they miss the face-to-face contact.
Just like adults, children and teenagers have experienced drastic changes in their lives and they aren’t always able to express how they are feeling. Rev. Chris Haughee, Chaplain at Intermountain Residential, said that social distancing and quarantining can be especially hard on children because they might not understand why they can’t see their friends or do their normal activities. Also, they have lost the routines and structure that provide important stability in a child’s life.
Because families are together more, there is less time for parents to talk without the kids present and children are listening to what is being discussed. “Some of the protective factors that children would benefit from, such as not being present for these anxiety-ridden conversations, have been removed,” Haughee said.
Children have also been asked to take on more responsibility for their own learning and self-moderation when it comes to consumption of entertainment. All of these stressors can exacerbate underlying mental-health issues or raise issues that had not been present before.
“Now more than ever, the adults in a child’s life need to be attentive to what a child’s behaviors, as well as their words, might be communicating and reach out for help if needed,” Haughee said. Instability, anxiety and fear are natural and healthy God-given emotions. When our emotions lead us to unhealthy expressions of that fear or anxiety, though, we need to be concerned.
A child that is struggling with anxiety and fear can be withdrawn, isolated or might stop engaging in things the child used to enjoy. Other times, a child might show behaviors that look like perfectionism, excessive engagement in multiple projects and constantly having to be “working on something,” masking their fear with a flurry of activity, Haughee said.
How children respond to external stress and instability varies. Regardless of how they are responding, however, resiliency helps children when dealing with anxious times.
Spending time together with your child offers opportunity for building resiliency. Even if you’ve never thought about how to build resiliency in your children, you can take a proactive approach right now to build positivity into a child’s experience of the restrictions of the pandemic. One example is to do an activity together such as making a meal or grandma’s special sugar cookies. While doing the activity, tell stories, share traditions. Or you can choose a hobby to do together or a language to learn. Exercise together or find free dance lessons on the internet.
The key is not that you are giving the child something to do but that you are doing something together that builds connection and increases a child’s sense of accomplishment and self-worth. These are excellent building blocks for resilience,” Haughee said.
When challenging emotions rise, as they will, it’s helpful if adults have been intentional about their own self-care and mindful of their own mental state before engaging with a child who is struggling. Haughee recommends taking three deep breaths and reminding yourself that, “this too shall pass.”
“Whatever the momentary crises, you will survive it,” he said. If your body and voice are calm you are much more likely to have a positive outcome when engaging a child who is having a hard time.
“Don’t try to talk a child out of how they are feeling. How many of us have calmed down because some told us ‘calm down?’” Haughee asked. Instead, empathize and reflect what you are hearing. Sometimes, even if you are correct in stating how the child is feeling, he or she may not be ready to agree with you that they are feeling overwhelmed and sad. Be patient and affirm to them that you care about them and will be there when they are ready to talk about what is upsetting them.
Haughee also stressed that it’s important for parents and caregivers to practice observation and curiosity. Many of us use our smartphones as a way to escape and deal with anxiety. But what do we miss in our children’s faces by staring at our screens? How are they holding up? Could we all use a break and a chance to go out for a walk or a car ride?
“In something as simple as playing a game of cards together, I can open up a conversation about how my wife or children are feeling that wouldn’t have happened if we all just turned to our ‘screens’ to cope,” Haughee said.
For Church Leaders:
Churches can provide an important point of connection and encouragement and one way to do this is to provide resources that encourage play and social interaction within families. A church can also plan activities that can be done separately but together such as scavenger hunts, exercise challenges, or arts and crafts together online.
Pastor Carlson said that Christ the King offered a video called “Angst” last spring. The video addressed anxiety in its different forms and talked about ways to work through anxiety, with tips for parents, too. The church offered follow up online sessions for parents that included a licensed counselor.
“We are all trying to figure this out as we go,” Carlson said, adding that he has worked to stay in touch with parents and has especially engaged them with questions about how to plan for the fall.
“I’m trying to get more feedback from parents and to be more transparent with them,” he said.
For churches and caregivers seeking to support children, there are many resources for helping manage stress, fear and anxiety. And one of the most important actions may be trying to create a “new normal” as far as scheduling weekly and daily activities. Meegan Bryce, Residential Director at Intermountain said, “Structure is essential, as is predictability and routine.”
Churches can be part of creating a routine by working with parents to find new ways to interact, new ways to hold youth activities or Sunday school. New ways to get together but still provide for physical distancing. Or simply new written, phone or online connections that remind the children in our churches of God’s love and continual presence in their lives.
Chris Haughee has over twenty years of experience in children’s and youth ministry. He oversees the spiritual development and cultural nurture of the children in the residential program at Intermountain Residential, a treatment center for children who have experienced trauma. Haughee is the author of “Bruised Reeds & Smoldering Wicks” an eight-week bible study and curriculum focusing on trauma informed ministry and compassionate care for children from hard places and situations.
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