Cis I can relate to all of this. We've all had those moments as parents where the past affects how we respond. I love the idea of doing yoga after a tough parent/child moment -- as a way to heal the stress of an altercation! Brilliant. My hardest moments as a parent have been when I convey feelings I don't want to convey (appearing to be shut down, angry, overwhelmed) and I end up going from happy normal parenting of my lovely kids, who matter to me more than anything on earth -- to an overwhelmed and less than mindful parent -- what I don't want to be. Which worsens an old grief and sense of self-shame for not being perfect. It becomes like a maze of emotion. Those moments only last for a brief time, but they are linked to the past. It has led to some hard moments in the mirror, that is for sure. The good news is that when I can mindfully see my interior dynamic occurring, I can step back and intervene and make a repair, and say to my kids, hey that was about me, not about you. I love the yoga strategy! I'm going to borrow that one. Thank you for sharing.

Donna,

I shared that article. I like it a lot. It goes beyond the platitudes. I especially like the "repair quickly" and the reminder that it takes five to 1 (of positive to negative). It's good to remember these in relation to all relationships but especially with parenting.

Also, thank you for the reminder to do Mindfulness-Based stuff. My daughter had her first time of getting into trouble this year (she's 12). I won't go into her details as this is about my parenting not about her but I over-reacted and my own fear and stuff came up. BIG. It was hard for a few days. I rarely get mad at all and I showed up as the more shaming type of angry. It was new for both of us and absolutely not my proudest moment. My buttons were pushed far more than the toddler limits or the sleep-deprivation. It was a case of, "I thought she already knew this" and honestly, I was disappointed. First in her and then in myself.

O.k., I got some counsel from my mom friends to help get perspective (about the issue) and to get support (since my buttons were pushed). It all turned out fine and in the end we had a really productive conversation. However, I hate how shut down angry I got because that is honestly quite rare for me. I just was so mad I was afraid I'd say something I'd regret (also not an issue I've had in my parenting before). I still loved my daughter, told her so but I didn't feel loving. Anyhow, it felt terrible and I don't feel great about it still.

However, it also showed me I need to sturdy up some of my resources in order to have a bit more "flex" when it comes to her. She's going to make mistakes. It's natural to make mistakes and figuring that out is part of life. Anyhow, one thing we did is "punished with yoga" meaning that instead of taking things away from her (Iphone limits, etc.) I thought, "I have to fill more in." We did one class at a studio and we're doing some yoga at home. It's good stretching, good bonding and good for both of us.

Today, after yoga last night, we talked about how well we both slept. I realize now that's older I can be attentive and draw her attention (and mine) to what's healthful as well.

Anyhow, I don't always know what's a parenting issue and what's more complicated because of my own "stuff" issue. So, I'm ALWAYS glad for strategies, relating and sharing and I especially love hearing from people who have grown kids and can give a little perspective that I sometimes don't have when in a moment.

Thanks again for the place, space and conversation about very real life issues. I appreciate that/this a lot.
Cissy