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My heart dropped when I read the message from my friend. Normally the exchange is pleasant and I look forward to our conversations but before I even opened the message, the preview told me that something was wrong. All I could see was, "Did you hear about Edith's son?"
I hesitated before opening the message because I knew it wouldn't be good, and sadly, I was right. Our friend posted that she was planning funeral services for her 15-year-old son, explaining that he died by suicide. I didn't have the words so I waited days to reach out to share condolences.
It hit too close to home. I have a 14-year-old son. I've talked to my children about mental health and how it's always OK to seek help, even when it feels hopeless. I've given tools to clients and friends who are struggling with their own child's mental health diagnosis and the script remains the same, "I feel like it's my fault."
Shortly after Orion's funeral, one of my own children came to me expressing despair and with all of my training I immediately went to self-blame, still. Even though I know better. Even though my job as a therapist is to help others navigate these feelings. "It's my fault" rang in my ears. But just like I tell other parents, your child's mental health disorder is not a failure on your part as a parent. Some people are just depressed without real explanation. Some people's brains are wired a little bit differently and that doesn't mean that someone broke them or that they're broken at all.
Our kids live in a completely different world than we did growing up. They're inundated with messaging on a constant basis, and even if you do your best to limit their screen time, it's impossible to escape. Social media continues to be a big driver in declining mental health among teens.
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