Dec. 11, 2021
The safer children feel, the more they can show their true selves — warts and all — experts say. And that’s good for their development.
There was a moment over Thanksgiving break when my 7-year-old bossily instructed her 76-year-old grandfather, whom she rarely sees, to “stop taking pictures and put down your camera,” and boy, I wished I could hide under the dining room table for the rest of the evening. I wondered: What kind of child am I raising? I would never have dared to speak to my grandfather that way. Am I failing as a parent if my kid is sometimes rude, or even defiant?
We all know friends or relatives who would unequivocally say, “yes.” In their generation, they say, children knew their place and respected their elders. I certainly try to teach my kids about respect, and we talk ad nauseam about table manners and saying “please” and “thank you.” Still, the relationship many parents today have with their kids feels substantially different from parent-child relationships decades ago.
Much has been written about the shift in recent years toward more intensive, child-centered parenting, and one byproduct is that many parents today are less likely to bark out orders and punish their kids. They are more likely to empathize and engage in dialogue. Because of this, many children today feel more comfortable around adults, and they are more willing to challenge them and speak up when they feel the impulse.
Although this spiritedness sometimes looks unsavory, child psychologists say the shift is a good thing. It is a reflection of how safe and loved children feel and how much trust they have in their parents.
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