As child abuse survivors, we work really hard to do the best we can with our children. We want them to have what we didn’t. So we try to create a healthy, nourishing environment to help our kids grow and thrive in the best way possible.
But after working all day, sometimes there isn’t much left of us for our children. That used to bother me a lot. I felt like I wasn’t giving my kids 100% of what they needed from me.
Finally, I realized I was trying to give them what “I” felt they needed, not what “they” feel they needed. They didn’t need a mother who ran herself ragged every day, trying to be a supermom. All they wanted was what I needed when I was a child: to be seen, heard, understood, and validated.
How do you make this happen for your children?
You simply do less and listen more. In fact, the less you say the better. Instead, listen intently to whatever your kids want to tell you. Ask questions when appropriate and make encouraging, supportive comments like:
- I hear you.
- That sounds interesting.
- What a great idea!
- I would love to see you do that.
- How can I support you?
When I was certified in Positive Discipline Parenting, I learned two more important parenting skills.
- The Iceberg.
A child’s behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the iceberg is underwater and represents an unmet need that child’s behavior is trying to meet. A parent’s job is to create a supportive environment in which all your children’s needs can be met in empowering, healthy ways.
- Connect Before You Correct.
Your first response to any troubling situation shouldn’t be to correct, advise, or suggest. Instead, create a calm atmosphere in which your child feels safe to communicate his or her needs to you. Then you can solve the problem together.
When you say less and listen more, your children open up and connect with you in amazing ways. Best of all, when you honor them as unique and valuable individuals, you’re truly giving them what you never had.
Mission accomplished!
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